Living in the now

[Cbar]

Been divorced 3 years, been dating on and off and I have just had my heart broken again. I was dating someone I thought was really great, had even thought about introducing him to my kids (thank goodness I didn’t)!
I swing between thinking it will all be ok and then just in sheer panic that I’m going to be old and alone forever! I keep thinking to when my kids are grown up and away and I will be by myself which I know is crazy as that is years away and anything could happen. But just can’t seem to stop myself panicking about the future and find it so hard to live in the moment. Anyone got any words of advice? Or just a hand hold even!

Hand hold from me!

I'm 43 with dc aged 15 and 20. Had a couple of semi relationships but I think I hold on to anyone who will talk to me. I'm so so so afraid of being alone. I feel so despondent

I am very similar, it’s so hard to accept being alone. My kids are only 12 and 10 so will probably be home for a few years yet but the thought of being alone for ever is incredibly overwhelming.

It is, it makes me so sad. I want to have someone to live who loves me and that we are each other's 'one'

Doesn't bother me being alone. I'm twice divorced and never want to live with a man again. I have my son, my friends and my cats I'm not lonely. I'm filled with horror at the thought of another relationship.

I wish I could feel like that! I have a busy job, kids, house, friends but still feel like I want to find that special someone. Wish I could get to the point you are at!

I spent way too much time worrying about exactly this. In a way, I'd love to tell you that I met a great guy and we're happy! But I didn't! What changed, is I no longer cared. But it took me until my early 50's to feel that way.

Please don't waste your time worrying about the future. You really don't know what life will bring. You'll either meet someone or you won't. You'll either be ok with it or you won't. But that is far into the future. Enjoy your life in the here and now and the future will take care of itself.

I'm finding that now I'm older I have more freedom/disposable income (my DC are adults), so I travel a lot (outside of covid times!) and I can just take off on a whim without anyone else to consider. I love only having to take care of myself, cook for myself (or not if I don't want to). I spend my free time doing hobbies, making my home nice (and can choose all my own decor!).

While you still have DC to take care of, I think it's more natural to want a partner. Once they grow up and you discover your freedom, it's hard to imagine giving that up for a partner!

I think I’ve found my people! I feel so disappointed with my life in that, my last relationship was with an abusive narcissist- and the realisation that I wasted so much time trying to build a relationship with someone who wasn’t capable of loving me, and the fear that I’ll never find someone to have that bond and partnership with - is probably the hardest part to ‘get over’

What have you done for yourself today to make yourself feel good/progress in your passions/expand your horizons etc?

What happened with this guy that caused you heartbreak by making it come to an end?

Twice divorced, both abusive. Never again. But I totally get why you feel the way you do

@Cbar you always get the "never again/happy on my own/what's wrong with you?" brigade in a post like this . 🙄 If you want to meet someone then you start aiming for that whether it is online dating or by other means. It doesn't mean it has to take over your life - enjoy your years with your kids while they still want to be with you.Your kids are young as are you - there is no point in listening to the negativity. You are not them. Everyone is different and some people let the past dictate their now and future. I was alone as an adult with no kids and I fucking hated it - holidays, special events , going to sleep on your own, waking up on your own, not talking to someone all weekend. I had my own house, my own money, I travelled but it wasn't what I wanted. It was lonely. I knew I didn't want to be and am now very happily remarried.

The truth is you're already living in the now. However your mind is projecting illusions of the future and so you're feeling anxious.

There's an Taoist proverb......

If you're living in the past you will feel depression. If you're living in the future you will feel anxiety. Live in the now for happiness.

You can only do what you do NOW.

I certainly don't think you're alone feeling like this. Good days / not so good days. Maybe a bit lost at times.

My Mom and Dad separated about 20 years ago. My Dad has had a new partner for over 15 years. My Mom didn't really meet anyone new that became a long term relationship. Who is the happier is hard to say as my Dad's partner is a bit of a dragon to be honest. I think they both have regrets but have found happiness in their own way.

Thanks for all the replies. I’m having a better day today but I’m aware my kids will be away this weekend and even though I have plans I will be on my own for much of it, and I’m bound to feel sad. I do want to meet someone and I know it’s too soon as I really liked the guy I was seeing recently. But sadly that wasn’t to be, and I’m hurting just now. But I would like to find someone lovely to settle down with eventually!