Shutting Down Emotionally

[BadKarma111]

I’m married with a toddler. My mother is terminally ill but can be quiet difficult to deal with. I work full time. My life is one endless round of jobs and stress. I wake up, get up, get ready, get my toddler ready, drop him off, go to work, bolt some food at lunch and try to get jobs done. Remind my husband to collect our son, come home, deal with feeding and entertaining him, do bedtime and fall asleep.
When we found out that my mother was ill, we moved to be close to her. Our plan has always been to stay here until after she is gone but my husband is constantly hounding me to look at houses and move to be close to his family. My mother has at least a year left (hopefully), but it’s relentless. I cannot discuss my stress with him because he immediately gets moody and accuses me of being moody and bringing him down. He is also of no practical support with our child. He talks about doing bedtime but can’t even look after him for long enough for me to go to the toilet.
My mother is dying but apart from that, keeps all information about her diagnosis, treatment, medical appointments, etc. secret. She’s incredibly frail now. I cook and clean for her. She’s systematically pushing people away, so it’s hard to see.
My son is a healthy toddler but he’s boisterous and has started shouting a lot.
My job is ok. It’s high pressure but the people are nice.
I don’t see or speak to friends. I don’t have time. Every single second of my time is accounted for.
I used to cry and lie awake. Now, I have just completely disengaged emotionally. Physically, I’m there but emotionally I’m not. Yesterday, my husband watched hours of news. I tried to feed my toddler but he kept throwing food on the floor. I cleaned up, then did some jobs. My husband finally appeared to take him out of the high chair. He had been in there for about an hour and was crying (really crying), but I hadn’t noticed. I took him to bed and I didn’t speak to him. Same this morning. Again, he was actually I’ll but I didn’t notice. I feel like I’m just broken now. I really don’t care if my son is happy or unhappy, laughing or crying. I feel nothing. I don’t care if my husband ever speaks to me again. I don’t care if my mother is dead or alive. I’ve been feeling like this for a while and I know it’s not normal. I feel like I am a monster and a bad mother (objectively), but I can’t muster the energy to care.
Any advice?

It’s past time to speak to your doctor I think.

You’ve been giving and giving and giving and you don’t have anything left to give. You are absolutely not a monster or a bad mother.

Not remotely a bad mother or monster. You are dealing with so much and this is your brain’s way of trying to cope. Def time to speak to your doctor-you’re emotionally (and probably mentally and physically spent). Hope you get some help xx

@BadKarma111 My heart aches for you. This is an awful lot to be taking on single handedly, no wonder you are not coping! Why is your H not supporting you? I fear you may have slipped into depression and would really need to speak to a GP. Can you take some time off work to catch your breath? Signing off sick, taking holiday? You need to look after yourself first before you can look after others. You are NOT a bad Mum. You are burnt out.

This is your thread, write as much or as little as you want. Here to listen to you 

That sounds awful - you poor thing! You are absolutely not a monster or a bad mother, but you sound as if you are breaking down through stress. I think you have too many difficult and emotional issues to deal with and are (very understandably) finding it hard to cope. You need to seek help from your gp. Perhaps being signed off for a week or two would help give you some headspace. Also, your husband needs to start stepping up as a parent. It’s very hard to talk about these things (I know from personal experience) but would he respond to having it written down in a letter - that you need more support from him? Just an idea (which I sometimes think I should do!). Please do phone your gp in the morning!

Oh my love.

You need a GP appointment first thing.
You need to be signed off work for a good chunk of time - a month at least. Keep the toddler in childcare.
Your husband needs to step up with the toddler pretty damn quick.

To add. My mother was terminally ill but not difficult or secretive like your mother. We also moved to be close. It’s very, very, very hard to live with anticipatory grief. It’s like cognitive dissonance - you feel so conflicted at the inevitable grief to come and the stress right now and just not feeling is a perfectly rational response if you look at it that way. You’re NOT a monster.

Whilst I had a different context I know exactly how you feel with the detachment and non caring feeling. It's pretty unbearable. The word gets overused but you are 100% burnt out - classic signs are 1) feeling negative and cynical, the feeling that you don't care anymore about anything and expect the worse 2) feeling worthless 3) total mental and emotional exhaustion.

Can you book some time off? Even if just to stay somewhere for a day/week or two near your mum and not work?

You need to find a way to focus on your needs. It will not get better unless you start taking your own personal needs seriously.

Can you arrange someone to look after your DS for a day or two whilst you take a day off? It might feel impossible but it would be a good start to rest and decompress even if just for a day to help your emotional recovery/sanity.

Once you have some strength, you need to think practically about things you can change to help you for the better. Simple simple things for now. What one thing would make your day easier?

Seek out and prioritise things/people who are good for you.

Your DP sounds like they are adding to the problem. I don't expect you have energy to deal with more stress at the moment but when ready there definitely needs to be a conversation about what needs to change in the relationship too.

I'm so sorry OP to hear what you're going through. It is a totally awful experience and so lonely.

Giving you a big virtual hug. You're being so strong and carrying so much at the moment. You are not a bad person. You are just overburdened and overwhelmed from all the shit you have to deal with.

*change things for you for the better (not change you!)

I think you're suffering from carer burnout. You're neither a bad mother nor a bad person but this situation is untenable and so urgently needs to change.

I would urge you to go to the GP and get help for yourself along with arranging an assessment of need from the local authority for your mother.

Your mother will need to accept carers because it cannot be you solely doing this any more. I would also sadly think she's always been difficult to deal with so you're perhaps caring for her out of duty and guilt. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep people like your mother and your DH warm. Your son is a toddler and could well be picking up too on all the stresses within your home.

I guess your DH has not got on with your mother at all well and perhaps did not want to move house either so that you people could live closer. Why have you however, had to remind him re his child?. It appears that he sees the childcare for his son as primarily your role.

Thank you all for replying. Ironically, I had to leave work early yesterday and I’m off today because my son is ill.
My mother has always been difficult, yes. She’s generous and loving but has a quick temper and can turn in the blink of an eye.
My husband doesn’t particularly get along with my mother but there’s two of them in it. Previously, we were living far from both of our families with no support. I own our current home outright, so with the pandemic, we really examined where we want to be and it wasn’t there. The house we’re in now is a detached house with a big garden. He wants to move closer to his family because it’s unfair that I live near mine (which has a very definite and looming end date). His family are cold, distant and indifferent to me and our son. This causes me a lot of stress too because he wants to visit them, won’t go alone and they really are unwelcoming to us.
Why does everything fall on me in terms of childcare? I was stupid enough to marry a lazy man. He didn’t have confidence in his ability to look after our son when he was younger. Now, he talks about how I have robbed him of bedtime snuggles but he can’t even keep our son entertained while I go to the loo. He constantly needs me apparently.

I probably am just burning out. I have a small child asleep in my arms after a terrible night and I feel absolutely nothing.

Another vote for seeing your GP and getting signed off / medication if necessary.
Everyone has a limit.
Tell him you won't discuss moving before your mother has died.
He sounds incredibly immature and selfish.
Do you want to stay with him ?
Hopefully you'll get some help soon 💐

I’m making no sense! We were living far from family in a three bed semi-detached house with a postage stamp garden. One lockdown later, with no peace or privacy, we knew that we had to move. I inherited this house because we could never have afforded it otherwise. It’s in a beautiful area, with lots and lots going for it.
He wants to move closer to his family (hours away), back to another semi-detached house with a tiny garden because he’s selfish. He wants our son to connect with his family and his area, not ‘mine’. It’s pathetic and no, I want to separate but I honestly don’t trust myself to know if it’s what I really want or just because he’s adding to my stress levels all the time.

You really have to think of yourself and what you need right now, not him. You are a being a great mum. You're just exhausted. He sounds extremely selfish. And at the moment you're taking on so much and need support - not more change, not more stress, not more criticism...

I do agree with other people that I would seriously consider speaking to your GP and being signed off. Burnout is serious and takes time to recover from. Your brain has become frazzled by so much stress it basically leads to emotional detachment because it has become too distressing and unhealthy.

Be selfish. Focus on what you need right now. You have to look after yourself. I'm sure you're naturally giving a lot all the time and it is time to give to yourself

I really wouldn't entertain moving at all. What's the rush? Certainly for you it sounds like it would be pretty hellish and doesn't make sense.