Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Sad about the end of a friendship

21 replies

SofiaJessica4 · 09/03/2022 00:21

Found out this week a close friend has blocked me on Whatsapp due to a falling out over a trip we took together. I'm not surprised but I'm sad and wanted some support / to vent.

She had accompanied me to the US in December for a long planned surgery trip. I had invited her for support and hoped / thought she understood the implications of it although it turned out she didn't. We had (so I thought) the kind of friendship where I could have asked her for that kind of support and vice versa.

To cut a long story short she it seems thought the trip was primarily a holiday and I would be out and about the day after surgery ready to go to the beach / lounge by the pool / go out and about despite lots of discussions where I'd stated the contrary, that Id be bed bound.

It all ended in lots of stress and tears as she also had boyfriend trouble while we were away so she became hysterical while I tried to keep it together as I had just come out of major surgery.

Given the situation I offered her flights home / an airbnb for herself etc which she declined. She then decamped to my friends house without me (someone she had met once) for 3 days where she got high and almost made us late for our flights back.

i just feel really sad about all of it. She's obviously going through things and is avoidant so she won't discuss what went wrong and wouldn't tell me at the time things were too much for her at the time. I would have tried my best to fix it. She did tell my US friend who she had only just met and that is the only reason I have much of a clue what's going on. I just found out she's also been texting my friends husband for emotional support (a man she barely knows) which is upsetting.

I think I really expect too much from people and should have known better than to ask anyone who isn't family on such a trip. I should have realised she didn't understand the seriousness of what I was asking. I feel like I often put in masses amount of effort into friendships and gladly give of myself but it seems really I'm misjudging relationships.

Not sure what I want here other than to vent. I've recently moved house and in the space of a few months also had my dad relocate internationally and the last close family move 100s of miles away so it all feels quite intense right now.

Thanks for listening if you made it this far.

OP posts:

SallyMcNally · 09/03/2022 00:33

Did you post about this before? I remember reading a very similar situation earlier in the year.

If you are the same poster I seem to remember that you paid for the majority of her trip expenses?

Justilou1 · 09/03/2022 00:37

Are you sure you need this person in your life? She sounds hideously toxic. No boundaries, no accountability, etc… I bet if you think about your relationship, you will find that your role has always been HER support person. Friendship is a two way street. You may find after a few months that you find the thought of conversing with or seeing her utterly draining. You probably do anyway. Do you find that you’re tired when you’re in her company? She’s a leech.

Original poster

SofiaJessica4 · 09/03/2022 00:39

@SallyMcNally that was me. We had promised each other we were going to work through it as the friendship meant a lot. I think she's going through things and can't face it / doesn't want to. Just feeling really sad. I loved this friend

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 09/03/2022 01:10

All the best op

Watchkeys · 09/03/2022 06:06

I think you need to recognise that you don't have to try hard and 'make loads of effort' in healthy friendships, and that if you do have to do that, it's a symptom of the fact that you've picked an incompatible person to be friends with. Yes, it's sad, if you've allowed yourself to get close, so the lesson here is not to get close to people who you know don't understand the seriousness of the things you say.

She doesn't get you, she doesn't want to, you were ill and she made it all about her. She's not a good friend, and goodbye is the right thing here, otherwise you will just be dealt more of what you've been dealt now, and it feels horrible, right?

Boundaries 101: If someone makes you feel crap, stay away from them. In fact, that's all you ever need to know about boundaries.

SNUG2022 · 09/03/2022 06:14

I remember your thread. It was all her, she was a complete twat. You did nothing wrong. I'd get the friends husband to.blovk her, and the friend. She sounds like trouble.

SallyMcNally · 09/03/2022 10:34

Yeah I think she behaved really badly. I know it's really tough when a friendship like this ends. It's similar in lots of ways to the end of a romantic relationship. But just like in romantic relationships sometimes people don't turn out to be who we thought they were when the chips are down and you need to believe in yourself and that you don't deserve to be tested this way.

Give yourself space to grieve the friendship but I don't think you should waste your energy in trying to fix it. She doesn't deserve you

vampirewellness · 09/03/2022 11:52

I remember your previous thread. Your friend sounds bonkers. Her behaviour was completely unreasonable.

mcmooberry · 09/03/2022 20:53

I remember your original thread and felt huge sympathy for you then and now. Her behaviour was outrageous and unbelievably selfish I personally would have found it unforgivable.

FurPunt · 09/03/2022 21:11

Boundaries 101: If someone makes you feel crap, stay away from them. In fact, that's all you ever need to know about boundaries

^ excellent quote. Though I must say, living like that the last 2 years, hasn’t left much left .

Losing a friend is nearly always at least a bit sad, as presumably there were some good times, but sometimes you gotta move on ….

NotaCoolMum · 09/03/2022 21:11

I remember you op- she’s a twat. I’m sorry she’s hurt you like this but I really don’t think she deserves your friendship if this is how she’s behaved 🌻

Oblomov22 · 09/03/2022 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Rogue1001MNer · 09/03/2022 21:36

I remember the thread too

Muppetlove · 09/03/2022 21:49

@Oblomov22 what an incredibly heartless post. Are you trying to be a bitch or does it just come naturally? The op is sad, there's no reason she couldn't post an update and I don't believe you are the forum police

You deserve better friends op. I'm sorry things ended as they did. Now you know her true colours believe them

PersephonePomegranate · 09/03/2022 22:09

I remember the thread too. Perhaps she is going through a tough time and is behaving erratically because of it. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do except give her space and be open if and when she comes back.

user1471457751 · 10/03/2022 09:05

I seem to remember your previous thread slightly differently to others. While her behaviour wasn't great, neither was yours. You expected her to act as a nurse, and she couldn't even get a night's sleep as she was expected to get you up every 2 hours but you hadn't explicitly told her this would be required beforehand. You also got her to pay for flights and accommodation so hardly surprising she was thinking of it as a holiday rather than being your carer.

Original poster

SofiaJessica4 · 10/03/2022 10:07

@user1471457751 there were definitely lots of things I should have done differently, from not inviting anyone who isn't family, to paying for 100% of costs, to being extremely detailed re what was required. I wish I had done things differently. re the getting up every 2 hours - it was me that had to get up to walk around (not her). 90% of the time she slept through my night time walking routine. but it's true I'm not blameless in this and there are lessons there for me, particularly around communication and expectations

OP posts:

Original poster

SofiaJessica4 · 10/03/2022 10:09

thank you everyone for your kind words. I think I need to treat this almost like a romantic break up. It will take time but it is what it is. I'm trying to take the lessons that are there. it's been really helpful posting

OP posts:

Ambushedbycakeinmydreams · 10/03/2022 10:33

@user1471457751

I feel sympathy for you, OP, but are there two sides to this story? Maybe worth reflecting on this, accepting the loss of your friendship and putting the whole thing down to experience.

Watchkeys · 10/03/2022 10:40

@FurPunt

Boundaries 101: If someone makes you feel crap, stay away from them. In fact, that's all you ever need to know about boundaries

^ excellent quote. Though I must say, living like that the last 2 years, hasn’t left much left .

Losing a friend is nearly always at least a bit sad, as presumably there were some good times, but sometimes you gotta move on ….

What's left, then, is the time and space to meet people/do things that are good for you.

FurPunt · 10/03/2022 12:34

True, Watch.

Also I am getting on a bit, and don’t feel the same need for new friendships; acquaintances seem enough.

I also notice I seem to have attracted quite dominant, opinionated friends in the past, which whilst was fun at times, also has drawbacks.

So yes, since I have withdrawn there I am finding more space for other interests and more peace generally.

Flip