Issues communicating

[SunnydaleHSAlumna]

DH and I have been having some issues and I've been feeling very unhappy in our marriage, to the point where it's making me feel increasingly depressed.

One of our issues is our communication. We don't really ever argue or shout at each other, but we both quite quickly become defensive and have a tendency to stick our heads in the sand. I feel like I get "told off" a lot, I feel like he doesn't listen to me, he will talk over me and it tends to be his way with most things.

How can I get better at this? There are a few things I want to raise with him and have a big, open conversation because they are weighing too heavily on me. But I can't get the words out of my mouth. I don't know why not, I don't know what I'm scared of. I think potentially we might split up over one of the issues because I don't think there is a compromise.

I would absolutely love to speak to him about it with a counsellor, but I have asked him previously and he won't agree to it. My current counsellor that I see says I have boundary and avoidant attachment issues. I don't have good examples of communication from my parents.

I think I'm just posting for advice really, I literally just don't know how to have this conversation, how to even start it, what to expect, how to regulate my emotions whilst we have it, etc. But the longer I hold it in the worse I'm feeling.

I had an idea that similar to maintenance reports, e.g. What the issues are , what options you offer for the prefer method of fixing the issue, but all written down or email ect, then theirs a written record of it, and gives you time to prepare and write it, and then for your oh to read and study your perspectives ?

I have found WhatsApp can be good?! Separate rooms then just fire off a message and it goes from there!

I know it’s not ideal but it can be useful with terrible communicators and then they can see what they are writing and if it sounds ridiculous they hopefully delete it and reframe what they were going to say!!!

Although I suspect I’ll be ridiculed on here for the suggestion! Obviously a therapist would be better but in the absence of one………..

Those are both good ideas, but the issue with that is he isn't a very good reader, he has dyslexia and I think it would put me at an unfair advantage.

Although maybe if I wrote everything down for myself to refer back to, to help me stay focused and clear? I could read out my points if necessary.

@SunnydaleHSAlumna

Those are both good ideas, but the issue with that is he isn't a very good reader, he has dyslexia and I think it would put me at an unfair advantage.

Although maybe if I wrote everything down for myself to refer back to, to help me stay focused and clear? I could read out my points if necessary.

Noting your perspectives would be a good assist, from my experience I forget some information at times when debating but with the points listed you could go through each one when discussing then write any extra information etc

It looks to me like the problem is that he simply doesn't want to listen, rather than you having 'issues'.

Could this be the case? What's your conflict resolution style like with other people?

Dear OP your post looks to me like I might have written it a few years ago. This was the same with me and my husband. We could talk about things forever, other things like politics, or movies or weather, but when it came to important things, especially our relationship, kids or family we just could not. Like you I would feel like words won’t come out of my mouth, I would get panic attack and I do not know why as my husband (now ex) never hurt me or yelled at me. I was just never successful in getting my point across. Every time I would say something he would get defensive and start arguing with me. We would never solve anything and then he would give me a silent treatment. Eventually we would start talking and the thing would be swept under the rug. He too did not want to go to couples counselling as he said, he was uncomfortable talking to strangers about our private stuff. Well, I did go and for me there was no looking back. Therapist explained to me that what I was experiencing was abuse, emotional, verbal and financial (in my case too), I realized through therapy how messed up this made me and decided I did not want to fight for my marriage anymore. I did not want to stay with the person anymore and so we split up.

I am sorry, I am not saying you have to leave your husband too, but noticing similarities in our situations felt I needed to tell you my story. The problem is if people have problems and do not realize that they have them and/or are not willing to do the work, but hope that they will magically disappear, there is nothing you can do about it but walk away. Save yourself.

@movingon2022 thank you for sharing your story with me. What you wrote is so similar to us, we could talk about anything and everything all day long, except the important things that are actually bothering me. I think that, deep down I know you're right and that I should end the marriage, I think it's what I want to do actually I'm just afraid to.

@Watchkeys yes I suspect a lot of not wanting to listen. I can be pretty avoidant/laid back with other people too but if something is brought up, I say what I need to, listen to the other side, and work out a solution. He definitely doesn't want to listen because he's the one who I need to move from his current standpoint, it wouldn't be beneficial to him.

It sounds like you communicate well then. Sack the counsellor.

Curious to know why he needs to do things your way, though? Why you're seeing it as him refusing to change, when, surely, you equally could decide to do it his way?

I’ve been doing things his way for ten years and it’s making me absolutely miserable, my mental health is suffering, what I’m doing should be up to me as I’m the one doing it. It’s something I should have autonomy over but he is currently dictating.

I’m sorry to be so cryptic @Watchkeys, I know it’s annoying, I just don’t feel comfortable giving more details.

That's not cryptic at all, @SunnydaleHSAlumna, it makes perfect sense. You've been forced to do things differently from the way you've wanted for years, and it's finally driving you bananas. That's not you having a communication problem you need to solve, that's you choosing to stay in a relationship with someone who refuses to communicate with you, even to the extent of respecting your feelings.

Just get out, honestly. I bet you've got people in your life who 'get' you, who you don't feel like this with. I bet you only feel like this with him. And yet you insist that you're the one with the issues and that you could be dealing with this better. The only way to deal with someone who refuses to talk is to walk away.

@Watchkeys I suppose I think the issue that I have in communicating is that I don't set a boundary, I don't say "I will no longer do X" and stick to it. I tell him I don't like X, I tell him X is affecting my mental health, I tell him instead of X I want to do Y, but I don't actually say "no I will not do X". He can't physically force me to do X, but I'm very susceptible to the emotional tactics like guilting me, shouting, tells me I have to, etc and it's all that I can't bear and try to avoid and crumble in the face of.

"He can't physically force me to do X, but I'm very susceptible to the emotional tactics like guilting me, shouting, tells me I have to, etc and it's all that I can't bear and try to avoid and crumble in the face of".

This is abusive behaviour from him. Abuse also is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. I would plan your exit from this marriage before you are further dragged down by it.

What are you afraid of here with regards to ending your marriage?. Is it fear of him, fear of the unknown, fear of being "alone"?. All these and more besides can come into play here.

That's a really good question @AttilaTheMeerkat and I've been thinking about it all day.

I am scared of all the things you mentioned plus more, but the fear that actually stops me, is that I'm scared I will regret it.

I regret a lot of things in my life, but as I've been thinking about it since you commented, I realise that the majority of things I regret are things that relate back to my DH and doing things to make him happy rather than trusting my own gut and instincts.

[quote SunnydaleHSAlumna]@Watchkeys I suppose I think the issue that I have in communicating is that I don't set a boundary, I don't say "I will no longer do X" and stick to it. I tell him I don't like X, I tell him X is affecting my mental health, I tell him instead of X I want to do Y, but I don't actually say "no I will not do X". He can't physically force me to do X, but I'm very susceptible to the emotional tactics like guilting me, shouting, tells me I have to, etc and it's all that I can't bear and try to avoid and crumble in the face of.[/quote]
But this is what happens when people are in incompatible relationships. If you're compatible, you don't need to enforce boundaries. Think of people you love and trust, people who love and trust you: the idea of enforcing boundaries in relationships like that is ridiculous, because they simply would never want to push you. They respect you. They want you to feel nice. They don't do guilting, they don't shout at you, they don't tell you what you have to do.

Your issue isn't a communication issue, it's that you think you have an issue within yourself when the issue is external to you. Stop blaming yourself for this malfunctioning relationship that malfunctions because he bullies you. Leave.

[quote SunnydaleHSAlumna]@Watchkeys I suppose I think the issue that I have in communicating is that I don't set a boundary, I don't say "I will no longer do X" and stick to it. I tell him I don't like X, I tell him X is affecting my mental health, I tell him instead of X I want to do Y, but I don't actually say "no I will not do X". He can't physically force me to do X, but I'm very susceptible to the emotional tactics like guilting me, shouting, tells me I have to, etc and it's all that I can't bear and try to avoid and crumble in the face of.[/quote]
It is interesting you say this because, again, here is a similarity between you and myself. I too never went as far to say:" If you do not do this I will do/not do this", and that is why my ex would not take me seriously. I would bring something up so many times, but would do it in a normal, civil way, not shouting and no if you do not do this I will not do this" kind of thing. In the end he told me, "well you never looked like you were seriously invested, like you really cared, so i did not think this was so important to you". This made me so mad. So normal, grown up and civilized approach was wrong, I should have shouted, threatened and got mad. But @Watchkeys is right in a healthy relationship you do not have to do this kind of stuff at all. A loving partner would want to make you feel better, do things that make you happy, care about your well being not his own agenda.

@SunnydaleHSAlumna thank you for starting this thread. What you and other posters are describing really resonates with how I feel about my relationship with my husband.

That's probably a bad example for me @watchkeys because in a lot of my close relationships, I've felt like I haven't had my boundaries respected, and it's probably partly why I struggle so much now. There was a lot of guilting and shouting around me growing up.

You and @movingon2022 are both right in that I do know that I shouldn't really have to do this, I should have never been put in this position to start with. But he really is respectful and puts me first in a lot of other ways. It's just this issue, but it's such a big one for me. I can feel it coming to a bit of a crisis point though, I can't keep going with it. I wouldn't even know where to start to leave.

@kennelmaid I'm glad it's helping you too

OP they have done away with attachment styles now. You're either a secure or insecure attached person and you can change between secure and insecure with different situations and people. Don't let that pigeon hole you.

I think he's the problem here, he doesn't want to communicate with you. If what you need to say will likely end the relationship then just end it and move on.

This man is yet another person here who has not respected and or otherwise tried to trash your boundaries. I would think your parents never respected your boundaries either and or perhaps encouraged you to not really have any.

Re your comment to me earlier:-
"I am scared of all the things you mentioned plus more, but the fear that actually stops me, is that I'm scared I will regret it.

I regret a lot of things in my life, but as I've been thinking about it since you commented, I realise that the majority of things I regret are things that relate back to my DH and doing things to make him happy rather than trusting my own gut and instincts".

I think you've answered your own question here; you've being making him and other people happy at your overall expense. Such people pleasing behaviours often start by wanting to parent please a very difficult and/or emotionally absent parent. Is that the case with you?.

@SunnydaleHSAlumna

Have you had any healthy relationship in your life at all? Quite often people have strong, healthy, loving relationships with their grandparents, especially when they're small. If you can just think of one respectful relationship you've had, that's enough. Base all relationships on the way that you felt in that relationship.

You don't need a big collection of examples. You just need it to have been demonstrated to you, at some point in your life, so that you have a reference point.

It might be that you have to do what I did, and have a cull/withdrawal from many of your close relationships, to make space and time for yourself to build up a new circle of people. It's life changing.