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Original poster

dating someone that doesn’t have children

55 replies

AHungryCaterpillar · 08/03/2022 17:33

If you have children and are a single parent do you think it’s unreasonable to not want to date someone that has children? I say that as I’m a single parent but if/when I start dating again I wouldn’t want to date someone that has children, do you think if you have children you are suppose to only be open to dating those with children? People say now I have children I won’t be able to meet anyone without..

OP posts:
gogohm · 08/03/2022 19:06

I didn't want to date someone with kids under 18 but I had adult children and the age bracket I was interested in were 45+. If you are younger it might not be feasible

iwishu · 08/03/2022 19:07

I find it difficult to date men with children as they often have their children on my child free days off, so a relationship wouldn't work, I wouldn't mind older children that aren't so dependent. Depends if you can work something out on your days off.
Men with no children, I'd worry they'll change their mind as I'm getting too old to have more. I guess with the right person something will fit I hope.

upupandawaytoday · 08/03/2022 19:14

I'm an a single mum of 2dc late primary.

I had two short romances before my current long term dp, all childless. I'm sure the pond is smaller but I never had any problems.

My exh tried so desperately to blend our dc and his gf dc but it ended it disaster and I just don't want that for my dc.

Bookaholic73 · 08/03/2022 19:17

I have 2 children (22 and 17) and if I was single, I’d never date anyone with children and especially children under 18.

My DH has 3 kids, 2 of them are under 12. Never again.

sofakingcool · 08/03/2022 19:19

I think if I was single Id only date someone with older or similar age children to my own.

I'd be worried a childless partner would want his own, and that ship has totally sailed!

Sunnytwobridges · 08/03/2022 19:21

I only wanted to date men without children when I was a single parent. I don't really like children, and didn't see myself raising anyone else's or becoming their babysitter, etc.

However when my DD was late teens I met someone with three DC's, two of them around my DC's age, the youngest around 7/8 yrs old, so I thought it wouldn't be too bad. I was wrong, it was a nightmare. He was a Disney Dad and had different parenting styles than I did, and like a pp mentioned I always came last in his list of priorities (altho I knew how to balance prioritizing him and my DD just fine). In the end it was one of the main reasons we split.

Also there are actually a lot of men in their 30s and 40s without children so the dating pool is narrowed but not as much as I thought it would be.

Original poster
AHungryCaterpillar · 08/03/2022 19:29

Thanks for all the comments I’m glad so many feel the same as me... thought I would be told I should only date someone with kids (that’s what people irl say, that I will never meet a man now without kids) I am a lone parent so tbh I doubt a single dad would be able to relate to me anyway, the vast majority of single fathers are the NRP and see their kids eow so I really doubt a single father would be able to relate to not being able to see someone at the drop of a hat since most of them will have a significant amount of free time and won’t know what it’s like to be a full time RP, I can’t relate to eow single dads. I don’t mind that it narrows down my options as a single mum that would put a lot of men off anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
AHungryCaterpillar · 08/03/2022 19:31

Also being a lone parent my ex is not involved at all so I don’t have to deal with an ex or drama from an ex which would likely come if I was to date a single dad and I’m also not keen on children I love my own but I’m not interested in anyone else’s.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 08/03/2022 19:40

It works both ways.

I'm childfree and would not want to date someone with children. There are family children that I prioritise. I actually had an ex with children, I made it clear that I wasn't interested in being a stepmother etc. Come Christmas I was expected to prioritise his children over the children I had made clear came first for me.

A lot of the childfree men I know wouldn't date a woman with children.

However, it takes all sorts! For every person who doesn't want to date someone with a child, someone else will!

Original poster
AHungryCaterpillar · 08/03/2022 19:43

I know many men won’t date women with children, it will put a lot of men off, which is understandable.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 08/03/2022 19:54

@AHungryCaterpillar

I know many men won’t date women with children, it will put a lot of men off, which is understandable.
Like I said, it's both ways. I wouldn't date a man with children. I quite like children but I wouldn't want to take on (for want of a better phrase) someone else's. To me, it wouldn't be worth dating as it would never become serious.

There are plenty of fish in the sea Grin

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 08/03/2022 20:04

@AHungryCaterpillar

I know many men won’t date women with children, it will put a lot of men off, which is understandable.
I wouldn’t date a women with school age children, but am seeing someone with an older child, (6th Form), and that’s fine, no real involved needed.
Knutface · 08/03/2022 20:37

It’s certainly ok to think this way. In my younger days I wouldn’t have dated someone with children but now I have them myself I prefer someone that has children and definitely doesn’t want anymore. Having said that, I wouldn’t be interested in dating someone with children that are younger than mine and not yet at school. As I’m in my 40s most men have children the same age as mine or older.

jimmyjammy001 · 08/03/2022 23:32

If you've got kids allready, I think your find it alot harder to find a bloke that is willing to get involved in a family lifestyle than somebody who hasn't.

Unfortunately some people get really offended when you tell them your not interested in dating them because they have got children, especially if you don't have them, blokes who don't have kids have a child free lifestyle and alot of free time to give to a relationship and generally not interested on going on days out with children, or holidays with children or long term then living with someone else and their children, because they won't put up with all the dramas/hassle/problems not to mention all the restrictions of what you can do and where you can go because of kids, not the lifestyle blokes usually want in a potential relationship unfortunately.

Sportslady44 · 08/03/2022 23:58

Depends on the person. Nothing to do with whether they have kids or not.

Wagsandclaws · 09/03/2022 00:17

It definitely depends on the person.

Dh was 33 when we met and I had 3 youngish children when he had none.

He wanted to be with me AND the DC's and had been a brilliant stepdad to them ( they are all grown up now as we've been together 15 years.
)

We also added two more into the mix so it can work.

Casper001 · 09/03/2022 06:57

I'm on the other side of the fence to this. A Dad with EOW access and a little extra thrown in.

I think its a bit of a misunderstanding that the nrp has loads of free time. Working full time and having the kids every other weekend along with fitting in other stuff is quite time consuming. Especially when you throw in time on the exs weekend or midweek visits.

I've dated women that have kids, don't have kids and one briefly that had grown up kids. What I've found is it's more important to find someone that has similar ideas in terms of the time they want to commit to a relationship and being part of the kids lives (should that happen).

LatentPhase · 09/03/2022 08:02

I think you’re actually pretty wise, OP.

Before I met my BF (together 6 yrs) I would have said I wanted to meet someone with kids, so that we had that stuff in common. I met DP who had dc of very similar ages and I thought, ‘great’. We bonded over the kids similar interests etc.

But now I’ve seen the reality of NR Dads. It’s generally ‘anything not to rock the boat’. I find myself living a completely different sort of parenting life to him. It’s inequitable and skewed in favour of women doing emotional work and men ‘enjoying their kids’. e.g. on Monday eve I was simultaneously coaching one kid how to cook a meal, one to book a university open day/manage her child trust fund money. He’ll be free as a bird all week apart from having a chat to his dc on the phone on a Sunday. Not much comparison. Especially now that they’re older and living FT with mum (it didn’t used to be that way). One of his will be off to uni. Men and women seem to play such different parenting roles that there’s very little ‘in common’ at all. Certainly in my case.

In my case he as he has one dc who is likely never to grow up or leave home. So he’ll never be a live in partner for me as he’s stuck ‘being nice’ around a dysfunctional manipulative ‘kid’ (20yo).

I would actually say: never again.

Original poster
AHungryCaterpillar · 09/03/2022 08:18

@Casper001

I'm on the other side of the fence to this. A Dad with EOW access and a little extra thrown in.

I think its a bit of a misunderstanding that the nrp has loads of free time. Working full time and having the kids every other weekend along with fitting in other stuff is quite time consuming. Especially when you throw in time on the exs weekend or midweek visits.

I've dated women that have kids, don't have kids and one briefly that had grown up kids. What I've found is it's more important to find someone that has similar ideas in terms of the time they want to commit to a relationship and being part of the kids lives (should that happen).

Yeh I just meant I can’t relate to a dad that has his kids eow weekend as that’s nothing like being the full time RP. So I don’t think they would necessarily be more understanding than a man without kids.
OP posts:
Original poster
AHungryCaterpillar · 09/03/2022 08:28

@LatentPhase

I think you’re actually pretty wise, OP.

Before I met my BF (together 6 yrs) I would have said I wanted to meet someone with kids, so that we had that stuff in common. I met DP who had dc of very similar ages and I thought, ‘great’. We bonded over the kids similar interests etc.

But now I’ve seen the reality of NR Dads. It’s generally ‘anything not to rock the boat’. I find myself living a completely different sort of parenting life to him. It’s inequitable and skewed in favour of women doing emotional work and men ‘enjoying their kids’. e.g. on Monday eve I was simultaneously coaching one kid how to cook a meal, one to book a university open day/manage her child trust fund money. He’ll be free as a bird all week apart from having a chat to his dc on the phone on a Sunday. Not much comparison. Especially now that they’re older and living FT with mum (it didn’t used to be that way). One of his will be off to uni. Men and women seem to play such different parenting roles that there’s very little ‘in common’ at all. Certainly in my case.

In my case he as he has one dc who is likely never to grow up or leave home. So he’ll never be a live in partner for me as he’s stuck ‘being nice’ around a dysfunctional manipulative ‘kid’ (20yo).

I would actually say: never again.

Yes this is what I’m saying, I don’t think I would have anything in common with a NRP dad, we both have kids but our lifestyles will be very different, my ex use to think taking the kids to the park for one hour Eow made him father of the year. So whilst people say they will be more understanding I’m not sure that’s really the case.
OP posts:
LatentPhase · 09/03/2022 08:35

Yeah I just find I’m constantly engaged with the kids and have full responsibility for them financially, etc. coaching them as they navigate the world and gain independence. I’m at a phase where I’m juggling finances to get them through uni, etc.,

He pays £75 pm maintenance for his soon to turn 18yo and chats to them on a Sunday and sees the dc ‘every now and again’ where he ‘sees what they’re up to’.

Um. Like. No comparison.

When BF was feeling sorry for himself recently, I reminded him of the fact!

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 09/03/2022 08:42

Even men with 40/60 or 50/50 can still leave the mental load to their ex. My stb ex didn't do any homeschooling over covid as he had the all important job and left his ex to pick up all of the slack around that. He didn't think about school uniforms or school holidays.

I could date a man with dc if he actually had proper boundaries around his ex and wasn't held hostage to her tune. Didn't have conflict (I feel really sorry for my ex dss as all he's ever known if conflict between his parents. Made his behaviour very hard to live with but he learnt it from somewhere) and - actually no I couldn't. I could never ever be bothered to deal with that shit ever again. Ever. My life is worth more than the misery of step parenting.

Original poster
AHungryCaterpillar · 09/03/2022 10:24

JiannaTheWitchQueen
That’s the thing and kind of the other reason behind me posting, I’m part of a single parents group and one of the women on there was asking how to deal with her child meeting her exes new partner as she was upset/worried about it, totally normal to be upset, however so many women were saying they would demand to meet up with her first for a coffee just the two of them Hmm That’s just not something I want to get involved in, like I said my ex isn’t around so I don’t have to answer to my own ex let alone anyone else’s, when I told them you have to trust your exes judgement and I wouldn’t like my ex meeting any of my partners like that I got called childish! I don’t need my ex to vet my new boyfriends and what if the ex decides they don’t like the new partner are you expected to break up with them? I don’t need someone’s ex overly involved in my relationship and it just confirmed to me another reason why I don’t want to date someone with children. It’s fine to meet new partners if/when it happens naturally but interviewing your exes new partners before they meet your child? Nah don’t need that drama!

OP posts:
Confusedteacher · 09/03/2022 10:31

Some very crude stereotypes about NRPs and their exes! They are not all Disney dads and exes are not all ‘crazy’. Just don’t date a dickhead and you’ll be fine.

Shiteshow100 · 09/03/2022 10:35

I always had this rule, I was a single mum. I made an exception for my ex and it was awful, his child was younger and I ended up looking after and disciplining his child as he was basically incapable and would ignore everything, I was basically the babysitter every other week. Not surprising I resented the child and I'm ashamed to say I hated the mere thought if him. It doesn't help the dad's have guilt so are ultra soft on their own children whilst yours have different rules. I would never date a man with children again just from that experience.