Anyone changed their patterns and made it stick?

[JiannaTheWitchQueen]

I've been doing a lot of counselling recently and have uncovered that my relationships are very similar to my dms and I've been brought up unconsciously thinking that having a man and taking care of a man is the most important thing.

I didnt know that there's a difference between being an adult and being cared for rather then taken care of. All of my adult dating life has been taking care of a man and expecting to be taken care of rather than two independent people caring about each other in a healthy relationship.

I asked my counsellor how I would make this stick and not go back to the same patterns. She turned the question back to me and I just don't know. I know that I don't ever want to be the side line act to someone else's story ever again. I know I don't want to be like my dm. I'm grateful that I'm mid thirties and still have so much time to enjoy my life without becoming the side act again. That if I did ever get into another relationship I would like to think I wouldn't be all consumed with them again, I tend to take on their likes and dislikes and I really lose myself from the beginning until I become resentful and end it. But knowing this and putting this into practice is going to be very difficult for me. I have 4 sessions left to explore this and want to make the most of it. I am starting with boundaries this week. My dm and a couple of my friends want me to get back out and start dating after the disaster of my marriage ending but I don't want too. I want a year to firm up my own identity and feel confident in leaving any relationship that doesn't work for me but I have problems telling people that. So my homework is saying, no I don't want to get back out there yet.

I want to really be myself and not fit myself to others anymore. It feels like there are so many strands to my childhood that has made me who I am but that's not who I am. Its like cobwebs I can't escape from. Knowing and then doing something about it seems very hard.

I think your 1 year plan is a good one. I definitely identify with the taking on of someone else's likes etc until you end up resenting it and not having a firm sense of identity. I also had a terrible marriage as a result, plus failed relationships before that.

I did end up meeting someone amazing and have struck that right balance, but boy do I wish I could go back and have just a bit of time to straighten out who I was before we got together. He's very supportive of me doing it now, but it's very tricky to do in the context of an established couple with a busy life with kids. I feel a bit stuck and broken at times, unable to figure who I am outside of our relationship, and whether I have just absorbed his opinions on some things or if I truly agree. It's frustrating!

I suspect that part of exploring who you are might involve dating new people and actively rejecting those that aren't compatible with your sense of self (rather than just molding yourself to them because you like them and you like the life they lead), but I'd say that's a bit further down the line. Also putting your ideas and likes and opinions out there and risking rejection or ridicule by people you like, as I think that's often what underpins this sort of behaviour (it is for me at least).

That's turned into a bit of a ramble about me but I hope my point came across!

Hiya @IfOnlyIdHadMNThen thanks for responding. Glad I'm not the only one! I don't want a whole thread about me and I'm interested in others experiences.

The boyfriend I had before I got married liked the pub, so I liked the pub. Until I got fed up of being with a heavy drinker and didn't want to drink like that anymore. My stb ex h did like similar things to me, but it was always his choice and I would happily (but now I realise I wasn't happy about it) chose what we watched, when we went out, what we did if we went out. And I let him. I was happy to go along with everything he wanted until I realised I didn't know myself anymore.

When we first got together I played the happy wife and looked after him. I cooked, cleaned, baked and looked pretty whilst doing it and working FT. I actually enjoyed doing it and playing that role. But it was playing a role as I don't have the emotional energy for that and why should I!

I definitely want a firmer grip of who I am before I start dating again. I don't want to be consumed in someone else's life again.

The feeling of 'losing yourself' starts long before you recognise it, and first manifests itself as a quiet voice inside that you try to ignore. That voice gets louder and louder until it's unbearable, and that's the voice that gets lost in the 'losing yourself'. It's yourself. It's your heart speaking, Your soul.

Practice hearing it in every day life. It doesn't only speak in relationships. It'll speak when you're deciding what to do with your day, who to see, where to go. Follow it. At first you might only hear when it shouts, but if you keep responding, you'll learn to understand it, to understand yourself, on a more subtle level.

I did this, and changed my patterns. My relationships were always horrible because I would try to answer the question 'Why do I feel unheard?' rather than identifying what that inner voice was telling me: Nobody's listening; go find someone else. But in reality, it was me who wasn't listening. It helped to treat the inner voice like a child (it often was upset to start with) and treat those feelings with a nurturing attitude, rather than getting pissed off with them and trying to shut them up. So, for example, when I previously would have stood around feeling uncomfortable at a party, making small talk, ignoring how I felt, now, I just leave, because I feel like it.

It's very simple, really; stay in situations that make you happy, and if you're not happy, leave. You don't have to judge your feelings.

Yes, I have changed the pattern although I think it was probably mostly luck - I didn't really have a big enough gap and if DH had been another abuser I probably would have been suckered right in, luckily he wasn't.

I don't really know how I changed it but reading a lot of MN relationships and the baggage reclaim blog helped a lot too. There is great article about co-pilots on there which helped explain healthy relationships in a way that made sense and seemed exciting.

I think this is it
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationships-in-a-nutshell-co-pilots-drivers-passengers-and-the-importance-of-a-joint-agenda/

I was always the passenger type before. Just went passively along with anything at all. I probably still am a bit...

I love baggage reclaim, haven't noticed the co pilot blog post before so thank you. I was literally married and not in a committed relationship but it had the hallmarks!

@Watchkeys I am fairly good at listening to myself in the rest of my life. I can say no to doing things I don't want to do although in work I tend to take too many projects on. Not because I can't say no but because I really want to do the work but then end up running on empty. I can say to to family and friends most of the time. It's in romantic relationships I struggle with.

Yes, it's often a pervasive problem but only really shows symptomatically in romantic relationships, because they're the ones where we most mimic our parents treatment of each other, and of us.

Were your parents good communicators? Did they respect your feelings? That's what's missing, really, isn't it. You're not respecting your own feelings, either in relationships, or in saying no when people say you should be out meeting people. It's the same problem, demonstrated in and out of romantic situations.

No I play out my parents dysfunction towards each other and to themselves/us dc and subsequent partners in every relationship I've had. Today's been the first time I've realised that I've ended up like my mum (who is also like her mum and so on) in the way I enter and stay in relationships.

I knew I was like my mum in some ways but today I've realised the depth of it. Now I think how the hell can I unpick this all and figure out who I am and what I like. Even the men I get into relationships with are like the men my mum chooses. They are not the type of men I actually like, but at the time I think I like them. My heads quite pickled today!

I was (and my siblings) always looked after with food, clothes, days out, swimming lessons ect but we were always an annoyance and in the way of her newest relationship. My mum has sadly poured her entire self into each man and changed who she is with each man. I didnt realise that I had turned into her until today and that those subconscious messages from childhood are woven into all my choices in relationships and my sense of worth and self.

I have listened to myself and stopped dating men that I have felt it wouldn't work with before. I don't do this every single time. But once I'm attached I'm really attached and can't let it go and fit myself to them and go along with their agenda.

I know what it is, I just don't know how to go about fixing it and it staying fixed.

For me, the change happened when I realised I was responsible for myself. It wasn't a problem that had been dealt to me that I was the victim of. I didn't have to keep turning over my behaviour and analysing my feelings. I had to look after myself, as if I was a child. Recognising that voice inside, and responding to it gently and kindly, rather than telling it to shut up. Essentially, respecting it, having always ridiculed it.

You're in charge. This isn't an external problem that you're labouring under. This problem is 'things that you do', rather than 'things that happen to you'. You can do them differently.

If I'm completely honest, and I feel really uncomfortable saying this and did say this in counselling today - I don't want to be responsible for myself. I've been responsible for myself since around age 12. I don't want to think about adult things, I don't want to deal with adult responsibilities like MOTS and mowing the lawn. I don't. I want someone to scoope me up and look after me. I know logically and through experience that when I enter into those type of relationships I dislike the power imbalance and control over me that those relationships bring. I know I want that type of relationship because I wasn't looked after properly as a child. I know its not very adult or very fair to put that onto another person to do either. But I want to be looked after.

I am unpicking this further next week in counselling because although I've said the above actually I want (eventually) a healthy relationship and my want to be looked after won't bring me one.

We're all 2 people. We all have the adult part who does the MOTs and mows the lawn etc. And we all have a little kid part, too. The trick (in my experience) is to get the adult to look after the child, rather than trying to get another adult to look after the whole you. Identify the bits of you that are the child bit, and indulge them. It's like looking after a kid who hasn't been heard for years. Yours never got heard because she had to do adult stuff from a young age. Mine never got heard because my parents were always fighting and drinking. But it left us both in the same boat: with the kid inside trying to be heard, saying 'Please take care of me!'

You have to take care of it yourself. Once you've got into that habit, it'll be easier not to seek that in relationships.

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families is great for going deeper and understanding and changing your patterns.

www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk

Love what @Watchkeys said by the way. Very wise.

Thanks @Watchkeys I don't really relate to the inner child theory. I've done counselling before where I had to do loads of inner child work and I didn't get on well with it. I did have a mushroom experience once where I sat in front of a mirror and saw my childhood being played out on a video and I spoke to myself at different ages and put them back in my body! That was a strange but wonderful experience. I do hear what you're saying, I just don't get on well with that theory in general.

I think I just need to get on with it and stop over thinking. Be accountable to myself. I might make a scrap book of this year and have an eat pray love type of journey without going abroad for a year. Work out what I like. Work out with my counsellor what healthy relationships actually look like in practice and get to the point where I would fling any toads that creep up out of the swamp back into the swamp when they show me their red flags.

Time to get out of the pity party and stop being a sad sack and grab life and go for it!

No sorry, I had counselling after two marriages and one long relationship and realised that I am just not made for relationships.
I decided that was it, single life for me and three years later I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

Well, it doesn't have to be your inner child, you can call it your genuine voice or your heart or something. It's really just the pure, unfettered you. And if you don't believe in her, that'll be why you're having problems.

I found that doing an autopsy on previous relationships helped a lot.

Writing out what my values and boundaries are.
Writing out the warning signs and triggers that I am falling into the same pattern again.
Behaviours, traits of unsuitable men.

It's helped immensely as when you have those happy hormones with someone, it's far too easy to go to what you've always done.

Taking out the list/notes and there they are in black and white, makes it easier to flick unsuitable dates.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I'm watching with interest Op.

Do you have children?

I think for a lot of women it's hard to break out of a " relationship pattern" when they're still wanting to obtain certain life milestones such as having a family.

Thanks for the advice @Watchkeys

@RantyAunty I have done my autopsy. That's what led me to realise I've been with the same man all my life but in a different body. Before I did this I would have swore blind they were all different

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I totally understand that.

@Anthurium yes I have two teens who are surprisingly doing really well and not traumatised from my shit relationship choices. I had them really young, then was by myself (apart from the couple of years I got back with their dad) until the youngest was in year 7. Then had two car crash relationships. I did date, I was always looking for the one. I wanted that Mills and Boon story, the rescuer, god I wasted so many hours agonising over men. I don't want anymore dc, one of my life goals was to get married, well I've been there and done that now! Wouldn't recommend! For the first time in my life I'm genuinely happy living with just me and the dc.

Ah, Op. if you’re genuinely happy right now living with your dc then you’re in a really good place!

I have found meditating has really helped me to tune into my inner voice and hear it (before it shouts!).

Might be a bit ‘woo’ but I have found it helpful.

That's @LatentPhase yes definitely in a good place, and I do meditate every night. I'm not adverse to a bit of woo. Have been listening to Louise Hay how to heal your body . I just don't get on with the inner child stuff. I had a NLP session not long ago and could feel what part of my brain told me horrible things about myself and could make the other side of my brain say it to take away the feeling behind it. That was really interesting.

What I'm worried about is falling back into my pattern. Now I've uncovered it I don't want to go back to being attracted to the same men in a different body.

[quote Anthurium]@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I'm watching with interest Op.

Do you have children?

I think for a lot of women it's hard to break out of a " relationship pattern" when they're still wanting to obtain certain life milestones such as having a family.[/quote]
I have a 40 year old son. We've bought a home together and divided the house into two with our own front doors so we have separate lives as well as supporting each other.

When I left my exH I promised myself never to co-habit with anyone prior to a period of 5 years. And prior to ironing out all the small print on domestic labour/finances.

I’ve been with BF 6 yrs and we still don’t live together. My home is my absolute sanctuary.

Could you make a promise to yourself like this? Means you can date but not lose yourself.

@JiannaTheWitchQueen In my first marriage I think I had a similar experience to you. Interestingly we'd had a fairly equal relationship for 5 years, until we married where suddenly I started to behave like 'a wife' (aka my Mum) and he started to behave like 'a husband' (aka his Dad). That was truly a bad combination!

With my current dh, you would never match us on a dating site! But I think it helped that we have such different hobbies and passions - I never want to go rock climbing, he never wants to sit in a yoga class. But we have found lots of common ground (shared values, mutual respect, ridiculous sense of humour) and we have worked out how to manage our lives together e.g. a nicw walk and a picnic together which culminates in me reading a book in the sunshine and him running to the top of a nearby mountain. I do offer caring acts (thinking about him and what he would like) and he does similar for me. But I don't dedicate my life to caring for him.

And yet sometimes the voice of my dm, and my innate desire to please her, can still be very loud - even though she died a few years ago. I have to remind myself that I really can please myself.

I also think that the 'being taken care of' feeling is often inside many of us. I was having a discussion with my 92 year old MIL recently, she's frail, as is FIL and we're trying to help them (and us) make the best decisions for their future. I asked what she wanted and her reply "I just want to be looked after, to have no responsibilities other than to play and to come home for tea. Nothing to worry about. I even find myself missing my mother - and that's saying something!" I find myself occasionally dreaming about a retirement home, with other people doing the garden, changing light bulbs, bringing tea and biscuits. Not quite ready for it yet though

I really like that promise to yourself @LatentPhase and keeping your home as your sanctuary. I previously always wanted to share my home and my life and now I want to keep it for myself!

@venusandmars you didnt get shared interests and values mixed up! Sounds like you now have a lovely relationship. Yes I also played my dms role! Then resented it! I think I'm being all sensible and making sure we have shared values in the beginning, but I listen to the words and not the actions.