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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"What you doing?" "Who was that?" etc

12 replies

WanterNotNeeder · 04/01/2008 15:45

My partner is driving me nuts constantly asking me what I'm doing, what I've done, who I'm speaking to etc.

We have been together for about 2 years and do not live together but whenever we are together he's up my back like a lost puppy and its driving me mad.

If he stays here on a weekend its murder, if I go upstairs he follows me and asks what I'm doing, if I go into the bathroom he knocks on the door and asks what I'm doing, if the phone rings he asks who it is and sometimes even sits there going through the caller list on the handset. When I question it he just says stuff like "i'm seeing how people it holds at a time" etc. If I come onto to pc quickly to check my bank or have 5 minutes to myself he will come into the bedroom and sit behind me asking me what I'm doing, when I say "checking my bank" or "just having 5 mins to myself" he will say "oh right" and sit behind me until I turn in off and rejoin him downstairs.

Last weekend my friend text me, I read it, answered it and then put the phone away...no giggling or anything to make him wonder, just a straigh read, reply, close. Anyway he said "what was that?" so I said "a text message" so he said "who from?" so getting a bit pissed off I said "my friend" so he said "oh? what did she want?" argh it drives me mad.

Whenever I question it he just says hes making conversation but I hate having to explain myself constantly. Could he really just be trying to make conversation like this?

OP posts:
BroodyBaby · 04/01/2008 17:03

Dont want to panic you but i used to be like that, and it was because i was cheating...

missingtheaction · 04/01/2008 17:41

it's not normal and not reasonable. Is he hugely insecure? does he have trust issues? does he feel he loves you more than you love him?

of course this becomes a vicious circle - he follows you like a shadow, you withdraw, he sticks closer for fear of losing you...

You are going to have to have a talk with him - you have the right to some privacy. Maybe you could keep a tally of the next (say) 5 specific events, then do the old 'i am very happy with you/love you very much but something you are doing is making me very uncomfortable and i am afraid if it doesn't change then our relationship may not survive'. to make it stick there need to be consequences for his actions - if he does it again you need to tell him so straight away BUT if he doesn't do it (eg lets a phone call go without prying) then you need to reward him.

Good grief, sounds like something out of a dog training manual.

RGPargy · 04/01/2008 17:43

Sounds very insecure to me!!

Shaniece · 04/01/2008 17:45

My sisters ex bf was like that with her, it turns out he was the one carrying on with whoever would have him, not her.

Worrying behaviour.

Pages · 04/01/2008 17:47

Sounds like DS2 to me. But he's 2 so I understand it's just the curious phase...

He sounds very high maintenance, and whether he admits it or not, possessive.

rosalinda · 04/01/2008 19:12

is he the FBI?

ladymariner · 05/01/2008 01:14

Put a stop to it. Now. While you still can!

amytheearwaxbanisher · 05/01/2008 01:23

leave him!!!!!!!!!sorry but having been with a controlling bastard i feel strongly.imagine if you lived with him!there is a slight chance you can change him if you try mabey

mummyvontummy · 05/01/2008 01:36

God dump him-he sounds like a nightmare! Can't be any good for you or your dc's! Controlling guys get worse, and worse, and violent, and urgh-break it off now before he turns into a creepy stalker! Sorry if it sounds harsh but I've been there!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/01/2008 02:58

Sounds like he just doesnt know how to hold a conversation. He's trying to attempt interaction, and not quite managing it.

IrishMammyto2 · 05/01/2008 07:32

OMG he sounds just like me with my partner! I blame it on the fact that my husband cheated on me and it is sometimes just to make conversation.....

I have backed off gradually though, and being aware of my own insecurities makes this easier.

Despite what others say i wouldn't assume he was having an affair, or that he thinks you are. I would go with the "i love you but need you to realise thst this drives me crazy" route.

thetoothfairy · 09/01/2008 12:03

I had this with someone - it is very controlling and, unfortunately, likely to get worse not better. I stopped answering the more intrusive questions, but we did part in the end. Hope you sort it - apart from anything else I found it very tiring!!

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