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Original poster

Loses EVERYTHING

17 replies

NuclearBunker · 08/03/2022 14:01

I'm so defeated and angry at the same time and I'm here to rant so I don't just snap "Will you just fucking be an adult" at my husband, because it wouldn't be fair.

My husband loses EVERYTHING. He has ADHD and we have so so many strategies but he still loses everything. A month ago he lost my spare key to my new car. Yesterday he lost the actual key. He's lost our daughter's blue badge. Her wheelchair is now locked in my car. He's currently rummaging around under the stairs for a tool. In amongst all his tools. His tools that he put in there. He cannot find it.

He's lost school books, driving licenses, money, tickets, keys, watches, passes, tools, medication, coats, appointment letters...... basically if he's had it, he's lost it.

But my car keys. Not for the first time!! It doesn't even help if I say not to drive my car, because mine is the family car and there are times he needs to do so, but I end up kicking myself for not doing every damn thing myself. And because I've mentioned the lack of car key hindering my ability to collect the shopping, he's now sternly told me that "That does not help me right now."

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
DenholmElliot · 08/03/2022 14:05

Keep important things locked away from him and let him just lose his stuff. DO NOT help him when he loses his stuff

Cas112 · 08/03/2022 14:06

Sounds so annoying OP

pinkyredrose · 08/03/2022 14:08

Why does Adhd make him lose things? Has he come up with any strategies to stop losing things?

gamerchick · 08/03/2022 14:11

@pinkyredrose

Why does Adhd make him lose things? Has he come up with any strategies to stop losing things?
It does, it's a hell of a pain in the arse for people who have it, as well as those around them. Strategies and strictness of routine can help but for some it just doesn't.

Car keys cost a bomb to replace, he wouldn't be getting another one.

Oddbutnotodd · 08/03/2022 14:13

I lose stuff too and live alone now so can’t blame anyone else. Get him to retrace everything he did yesterday. Did he use the car. What did he do when he game in? Look down the side of every flat surface that he might have put them down on. When I’m distracted or in a hurry I do random things.
Once you find the key get another one or wear it on a lanyard. I speak out loud to myself when I put something down that’s important. Try and find a landing place for keys and encourage him to use that

Oddbutnotodd · 08/03/2022 14:15

Sometimes I take a photo of the important thing and where I put it down. That helps too

NippyWoowoo · 08/03/2022 14:16

@pinkyredrose

Why does Adhd make him lose things? Has he come up with any strategies to stop losing things?
Google is your friend

And OP already said that he has strategies, HTH

RantyAunty · 08/03/2022 14:17

It'd would be maddening.
He can collect the shopping, get the keys replaced.

How does he manage to keep a job?

My ex was good at losing or damaging my things but somehow managed not to lose or damage his things most of the time.

SertralineThrash · 08/03/2022 14:27

@pinkyredrose

Why does Adhd make him lose things? Has he come up with any strategies to stop losing things?
I have this and can understand your frustration. Part of the condition relates to something called "object permanence" I can't explain it too well myself but the links below might. He will be feeling awful about this.

psychcentral.com/blog/adhd-millennial/2018/05/4-reasons-people-with-adhd-lose-things

themighty.com/2021/09/adhd-forget-friends-love-me-object-permanence/

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/object-permanence-adhd

SertralineThrash · 08/03/2022 14:31

@RantyAunty

It'd would be maddening. He can collect the shopping, get the keys replaced.

How does he manage to keep a job?

My ex was good at losing or damaging my things but somehow managed not to lose or damage his things most of the time.

He has a neurodivergent condition that he will have had from birth. This means his thought patterns don't work in the same way as the majority of the population when it comes to many things, particularly linear thinking.

Please try to understand that this man is neither "lazy, stupid or crazy."
Also, were his employer to dismiss him without providing for these traits he would quite rightly be able to take them to court under the Disability Discrimination Act.

SertralineThrash · 08/03/2022 14:32

@RantyAunty

It'd would be maddening. He can collect the shopping, get the keys replaced.

How does he manage to keep a job?

My ex was good at losing or damaging my things but somehow managed not to lose or damage his things most of the time.

The tone of your post sounds as if you think that punishment will help him to be less forgetful in the future. Please educate yourself.
Original poster
NuclearBunker · 08/03/2022 20:18

@RantyAunty @SertralineThrash

He hasn't always managed to keep jobs and he actually has taken someone to tribunal and won based on disability discrimination for the way they treated him about his ADHD

He absolutely does lose his own stuff all the time. And yes, it is maddening and I'm getting that out here rather than on him because he can't help it. I have feelings about things being lost despite numerous set ups to prevent it. I don't think my feelings are wrong, but I do think it would be wrong of me to go off on one at him over it. He's not being deliberately thoughtless

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 09/03/2022 06:38

@SertralineThrash
I have diagnosed ADHD ya ninny. DO YOU?
Take your patronising attitude and shove it.

NippyWoowoo · 09/03/2022 09:07

[quote RantyAunty]@SertralineThrash
I have diagnosed ADHD ya ninny. DO YOU?
Take your patronising attitude and shove it.[/quote]
Sure you do Hmm

silentpool · 09/03/2022 09:33

Get some of those Tile Bluetooth trackers (or similar) and stick them onto things. Might make things easier to find.

SertralineThrash · 09/03/2022 09:36

[quote RantyAunty]@SertralineThrash
I have diagnosed ADHD ya ninny. DO YOU?
Take your patronising attitude and shove it.[/quote]
Yep, it's blighted pretty much every area of my life for over 40 years and as a consequence has driven me to attempt suicide trying to fit into the expectations of a neurotypical world.

Therefore now that im starting to be able to make sense of it all post diagnosis with support that has never been available to me before, I aim to be an advocate and an ally for the ND community wherever I can. I am not going to get into any one upmanship, but I can assure you, I've been putting the work in.

ThanksHappy to point you on the right direction if you need further support.Thanks

ugifletzet · 09/03/2022 11:31

I have ADHD too OP, and my short-term memory difficulties are severe, meaning it's rare I go through a day without misplacing something. I just want to reassure you that it's OK to vent and feel frustrated. Anyone with ADHD understands that the short-term memory issues can be as stressful for those around us as they are for us.

And for what it's worth, you sound like a wonderful understanding partner. Your husband is lucky to have you.

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