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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trying to understand and support Dp whose ex won't engage re visitation

24 replies

nickelback · 08/03/2022 10:22

Covid restrictions have wreaked havoc on my partners arrangements with having his child eow and holidays. There were many weekends that his child couldn't come to his Dads due to covid in the home, close contacts etc. The communicate nightly via FaceTime and while not ideal , it was their thing and something they both looked forward to.
Partner and his ex have cordial relationship and there wasn't any trouble until recently.

Partner has moved house and is now nearer to his child so had hoped to see him more.
However in the past two months, his ex wife has refused to allow their child to spend anytime with his dad and is not allowing nightly calls. Child's phone has been turned off for weeks and his
Messages are undelivered and unread.
She will also not agree to him collecting child from school or spending days with their child even if she won't allow overnights.

Every few nights, she will send a text message threatening court and rewriting their access arrangements, looking for money and calling him all types of horrible names. She will then text the next day saying she is not stopping him from seeing his child and needs specific dates free for whatever occasion is happening.

His maintenance is very generous in my opinion and he signed over the house when they divorced.

She wants arrangements changed to him having child every weekend despite their agreement being eow. He works every Saturday so that can't work .
Then another rambling text will come
demanding different access. It's all confusing. She is a heavy drinker so maybe these texts are sent when she is drunk.

This wasn't an issue through covid restrictions.
I've seen all the texts.His lawyer has told him to save them.
They are rambling and at times abusive.
He had saved them for when time comes to go back to court.
He has had his lawyer send a letter to her asking for renewed arrangements so he can get back to being with his child.
He is devastated and stressed.
How do I support him and what is going on here? Thanks

OP posts:
SVRT19674 · 08/03/2022 10:32

Back to court he goes. The judge will decide. She cannot allow this not allow that, and is an alcoholic to boot? He should go for full custody if that is the case.

AubadeIsIt · 08/03/2022 10:35

Why the sudden change if they had a cordial relationship previously?

nickelback · 08/03/2022 10:50

She isnt an alcoholic. She is a heavy drinker though and my own assumption is that through restrictions, she could not go out and socialise which is a huge part of her life. She now can and like for many of us, there seems to be a backlog of social events.
He was unable to have his child for a few days after Christmas as he had to work so suggested alternate days or he could spend time with his grandparents/ aunts/ cousins during the day. She would not allow him to spend time with partners family during the day so she refused. She also refused alternate dates. She was very annoyed and child very upset that he couldn't have time with his dad. It started then.
In the past, while his child and I have been there,she has rang drunk crying saying she missed child. Child gets upset and wants to go home. She also sits beside son for all of his FaceTime callls to dad , interrupting and telling him what to say.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 08/03/2022 11:13

he needs to go to court and get proper access arranged so she can't change on a whim. It's a shame when people can't work things out like adults though, it's in everyone's best interest to work together on access imo

girlmom21 · 08/03/2022 11:14

Why hasn't he already gone to court if she's refusing contact? That's how you support him.
Tell him to go to court ASAP.

thecapitalsunited · 08/03/2022 11:22

Go to court. But I’m not with you on the can’t do Saturdays because he’s working thing. He’ll have to arrange childcare just like every other parent does when they have to go to work.

Theunamedcat · 08/03/2022 11:24

If she is offering more he should take it and arrange childcare

nickelback · 08/03/2022 11:32

He has offered for his child to spend the Saturday with cousins and family and then they will have the late afternoon / night together. She is not happy with this.
She want the rules rewritten for some
Reason. He can't see his child at the moment though so that's the major problem.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/03/2022 11:36

@nickelback

He has offered for his child to spend the Saturday with cousins and family and then they will have the late afternoon / night together. She is not happy with this. She want the rules rewritten for some Reason. He can't see his child at the moment though so that's the major problem.
She's right about that though, really. He's insisting on contact then saying he'll give the child to someone else to look after anyway.
LittleOwl153 · 08/03/2022 11:40

I wouldn't usually encourage this as it's disruptive for the kid but if she's already being a nightmare... he does have the right to collect the child from school unless a court / ss have bared him from doing so. If he hasn't seen the kid for ages perhaps this is an option?

Quitelikeit · 08/03/2022 11:40

How dreadful that she is calling you drunk and the child can hear that.

Your dp needs to go to court and go low contact with this woman.

I dread to think the damage she is doing to this child when he is home and she is drunk.

I sincerely hope he does not grow up to use alcohol as a crutch the way his mother is demonstrating to him.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2022 11:42

If she's drinking heavily, what impact is that having in her care of their child. Perhaps he needs to be going for 50/50+ access instead and getting it through court

LittleOwl153 · 08/03/2022 11:43

Maybe he tries
"OK i'll collect from school tonight and return on Monday" don't answer her calls over the weekend - just message back to say all is good - so she doesn't report to welfare. Ask the kid to dump his phone when he gets in.

But yes - court is the answer. Sadly the only answer.

CheshireChat · 08/03/2022 11:44

He needs to go to court to sort it out as currently he isn't seeing them and if her drinking issues worsen, he needs to step up and have them more. Or full time.

The fact he's working is neither here, nor there ultimately. She's erratic and blocking access and he should have them as much as possible at least for the moment.

I do wonder if he shouldn't contact SS just to say how she's behaving and that she may require additional support.

shssandhr · 08/03/2022 11:51

Back to court because this arrangement is not working.

fourplusfour · 08/03/2022 12:02

Doesn't this contradict PP who says he'd have to arrange childcare like other parents do? Isn't this exactly what he is doing/proposing? Sometimes seems like nrp just can't win.

Coyoacan · 08/03/2022 13:04

Doesn't this contradict PP who says he'd have to arrange childcare like other parents do? Isn't this exactly what he is doing/proposing? Sometimes seems like nrp just can't win

Yes there are two completely contradictory posts here.

I hope there is no good reason for the mother not wanting her child to spend time with the extended family.

nickelback · 08/03/2022 14:33

His ex wife doesn't like his family involvement. Their child has discussed his home life with my partners family and she went nuts. It was mostly innocent but there were some private matters that she didn't want anyone to know which is totally understandable, but their son discussed some stuff with them and at school which warranted her being asked to a meeting .He also told stories of the mother's drinking and going down the local so she has pulled right back in terms of allowing contact. She also thinks his family are' up themselves'.

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 08/03/2022 15:10

It really sounds like she needs some support and that he needs to step in for the kids.

Notcoolmum · 08/03/2022 16:32

It sounds like a court agreement is the only way forward. But agree he should have a pattern and stick to it. It's not her concern who might have to provide childcare when your partner is working; just as it's not his when his child is in her care.

You support your partner by listening and being sympathetic whilst reminding him the child is central I think.

AubadeIsIt · 08/03/2022 17:59

Parts of this story are missing.

Name99 · 08/03/2022 18:17

Why has he not taken this back to court as a matter of urgency?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 08/03/2022 18:21

Why hadn't he applied to court already? That's the only course of action that will help.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/03/2022 10:03

Almost everyone on this thread has told you he needs to go to court but you've not even commented on that or why he hasn't done that already

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