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Relationships

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Original poster

How do you talk about your insecurity?

23 replies

Beth199 · 08/03/2022 09:02

I'm just looking for advice on how to talk to your partner about how insecure you are?
We've been together four years, we have a two year old together and we broke up for a few months after our baby was born. The first time we were together my partner would put movies on at night and everytime a naked woman came on TV he would completely ignore me and talk about how nice her boobs were. I told him I hated it but he never stopped. When I was pregnant my insecurities got much worse because my partner told me he didn't like my breasts because they were getting too big, but then he would continue to gush over the women in movies. This was a factor in our breakup, but not the only reason.

Since getting back together we haven't watched many movies together, because I'm still not over what happened, but we have watched a few and he hasn't said anything about the women so I think he's learned. But on Sunday we went to his grandparents for dinner, his grandad asked if I preferred chicken breast or leg and before I could say anything my partner piped up about how much he likes breasts and started making childish jokes. Now I know this is a normal thing for some men and a lot of women home along and have no problem. But it made me realise just how insecure I still am because it really upset me.

I thought I was over it, but I'm obviously not. I've never been insecure before all of this and I feel like I need to talk to him about it again but I just don't know how. I don't want to get angry and tell him it's all his fault, because I know my security is about me. It's Tuesday now and I've barely spoken to him since Sunday because I just feel so poo! On Saturday, he did tell me that I looked scruffy when I was taking my child to the cinema, which I think has had an effect too.

I have referred myself for therapy to get the help I need, but there's a few weeks waiting list as I can't afford private.

Just a bit of background. He's 34, I'm 29, he has a 7 year old from a previous relationship, I have an 11 year old from a previous relationship, and we have a 2 year old together.
Also any tips on helping insecurity would be great. I go to the gym, fitness classes, I speak to friends, I know I'm not ugly so not sure what's going on with me at the minute.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 08/03/2022 09:22

It sounds like your partner has been pretty disrespectful to you in the past and for some reason, you’ve got back together 🙄

What does he do to boost your confidence? Does he tell you that you’re beautiful, make you feel loved and appreciated?

Watchkeys · 08/03/2022 09:40

Insecurity isn't something you feel because there's something wrong with you. It's something you feel when your senses know you're in an unsafe position. It's a signpost. Feelings are all signposts. Follow them. It's a very simple equation: if you spend time with people with whom you feel happy/secure/loved/cared for, then you will have a life that is generally more happy/secure/loved/cared for. If you spend time with people with whom you feel insecure/self-questioning/anxious/faulty, then you will have a life that where you feel insecure/self-questioning/anxious/faulty.

You have to take care of yourself. Listen to your feelings and respond to them. If you keep supressing them or feeling that you shouldn't have them, you will lead a life of feeling supressed.

How do you want to feel? What do you do/who do you know/where do you go, that makes you feel that way? Go there. Do that. Respecting the indications your feelings give you is self respect. That's what you're lacking, and that's what you can fix right now, by saying to him that if he continues to do what he's doing that upsets you, you'll have to remove yourself from his life. You don't have to tell him he's wrong: he isn't. He can do what he likes. But you're not wrong to not want to be around it, either.

Original poster

Beth199 · 08/03/2022 11:50

Sometimes he'll say I look good when we go out on a date (usually once every other month), but after all of this I just don't really believe him.
Well, it's not that I don't believe he thinks I'm beautiful it's just that the way he used to talk about other women I believe that he would like anyone if that makes sense.

OP posts:

bluedodecagon · 08/03/2022 11:51

He doesn’t like you very much, does he?

FinallyHere · 08/03/2022 12:02

Now I know this is a normal thing for some men

It might be normal for teenage boys.

It really isn't for adults, especially not when talking to their wife or partner.

It's easy for someone to compliment you when you are 'dressed up'. What matters is how someone treats you when you are feeling ill or tired out. That's when someone who loves you will love you anyway.

As PPs have pointed out, this is nothing about you. You can't fix it. You can only decide whether you are prepared to put up with him.

Watchkeys · 08/03/2022 12:24

Now I know this is a normal thing for some men

Also, it doesn't matter what's a normal thing for some men. It's only important whether it's what you want in your man. You can't accept behaviour you find unacceptable just because some other people do it too. You have your preferences, and you need to respect them.

layladomino · 08/03/2022 12:29

I would be careful confiding in him about your insecurities, because from your post it sounds like he might be doing it intentionally to make your feel insecure, or at least that he quite likes you feeling insecure. And if that's the case, by confiding in him will just give him more amunition and inspiration.

At best he sounds crass and imature. At worst - yeah he's doing it to undermine you.

Which do you think it is?

bluepeacock · 08/03/2022 12:29

This isn't about you being "insecure" - it's about your "d"p being a juvenile, mysoginistic wanker.

You feel upset when he says these things becuase it's a disrespectful and disgusting way to talk about women - reducing them to their body parts and not giving a shit whether it upsets you or not.

Only you can decide if you value yourself more than putting up with this treatment.

frozendaisy · 08/03/2022 12:42

So is he god's gift?

Full set of hair?

Top job?

Brave? Gallant? Six pack, smoking guns? Etc etc

HelenWick · 08/03/2022 12:45

Start talking about cocks all the time, give him a dose of his own grim medicine.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/03/2022 23:28

He sounds terrible. So childish. I wouldn't be insecure about a loser like him and his pathetic comments. He's the one who should be insecure for punching above his weight. What a plank.

LightSpeeds · 09/03/2022 23:35

He sounds immature, insensitive and disrespectful and I hope the rest of your relationship is better than the sorry picture you've painted of him.

It's very sad that you've chosen to blame yourself for his behaviour - and I'm sorry you've chose him as a partner!

Good luck 💐

Ionlydomassiveones · 09/03/2022 23:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TopCatsTopHat · 09/03/2022 23:56

You're not insecure your in a relationship with a man who disrespects his partner, makes unfavourable comparisons and views women as sexual parts.
A partner who loves you sees you the human, wants you as a package not reduce to you whether you're boobs are meeting his specific wishes. An adult man also doesn't need to ogle every female that passes in front of them. That's a myth peddled by dicks. The fact he mentioned it less for a while only means he's learnt not to task about it in front of you, it doesn't means he's grown up.

TopCatsTopHat · 09/03/2022 23:57

Sorry for the crap auto correct typos

TopCatsTopHat · 10/03/2022 00:01

If you had a caring partner you could confide your insecurities your partner doesn't value your emotions and you having them is an inconvenience to him. I suspect he altered his obvious distraught cos he didn't want the grief and hassle of dealing with the upset he'd caused, not cos he actually regretted upsetting you and could see how awful he'd been. At least that's exactly how he comes across from your description

TopCatsTopHat · 10/03/2022 00:02

Obvious disrespect that should say.
Time for bed. 😆

Eesha · 10/03/2022 06:38

Op, your partner isn't very nice at all. Insecurity is common and yes it's hard to tell the person. I would personally avoid telling someone and would try and sort it myself. I think if you were with someone who was more emotionally aware, you could flag that you feel a bit sad when say X, y and z happens (say they become distant etc) but it's important to understand that you'll never feel secure when he does this level of stuff like ogle others. A decent person wouldn't do that.

Cremeeggseasonx · 10/03/2022 06:44

How would he feel if you said oooo that mans Penis is so smooth. Yours is too hairy. That man has such a smooth toned chest. Your abit flabby I wish you had a toned chest....

I've dated one of these. He'd sit watching me straighten my hair then say you suit your hair off your face. Do you not curl your hair? Or he'd tell me he thought I'd suit a tan (I'm a natural darker red head)

He's got you. I bet you never comment on him or what he would suit more? Because you accept him as he is. You can't change your breasts. You can choose your nipple size and colour. You can't decide what happens to them in pregnancy. Does he think those women on tele are not filtered and filmed from perfect angles? Does he not realise we all have wobbly bits and different shapes and colours.

Hes immature and obsessed with boobs like a silly teenager.

spotcheck · 10/03/2022 06:45

Now I know this is a normal thing for some men
Is it?
He's behaving appallingly and you are trying to accommodate it.

I think eventually, your ' insecurity' will change shape into what it actually should be: anger and indignation that he is treating you this way.

You don't have to put up with this. At the very least, you should call him out on it.
Seriously, this isn't a problem that is originating with you.

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 10/03/2022 06:53

I don't think the problem hete is you being insecure but him being immature and completely thoughtless and lacking in empathy, (bordering on deliberately cruel to "keep you in your place" and knock your self esteem down so you don't get confident enough to question why you put up with him, but hopefully it's not that, just utter thoughtlessness...)

Don't make the conversation about you being insecure - its not you, it's him. The conversation needs to be about the 34 year old moving on from behaving like the worst parody of an awkward 14 year old boy making boob jokes and comments to cover up his own lack of experience/ insecurity!

Cremeeggseasonx · 10/03/2022 06:59

Just to add men like this come across as confident with high expectations but are actually just really insecure. I really do believe that. Someone who's always wanting more than they can have is a person who feels rubbish about themselves and is over compensating.

Some men put their partners down subtly because they are insecure.

I do believe the issue here is him. I'm.not sure why you are in therapy because of this. No woman would be impressed by this. Not one woman in this world would be attracted to a man dribbling over another woman's boobs and saying ours are not up to scratch.

You feel like you do because his behaviour is off!

Shinydiscoballs1 · 10/03/2022 07:48

I've got a great idea of how you could get rid of about 12 stone of your insecurity.....
It's not all you, if he made you feel good about yourself I bet his comments wouldnt even bother you.
I've experienced a man like your partner and wmnow I'm not with him it's amazing how much more confident I feel in myself.
While it Wass MY insecurity, he brought out the worst of it if that makes sense.
You deserve a man who makes you feel like a million pounds every day op!!

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