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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help

51 replies

Charlielvzross · 08/03/2022 07:39

Any advice would be great
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years we don’t have any children together but my youngest son absolutely dotes on him
Our relationship was going great til lockdown then he started drinking more eventually it came to a head and he moved out in to a homeless hostel my parents made me choose him or them I choose him they said would do everything in they power to get rid of him 😭
My parents only hear or see bad side never how much my youngest loves him n holidays etc
Any way my parents hav rang social services on me
Social worker said my partner not allowed to stay overnight when children are here
Social worker phoned me yesterday and said they doing conference call on Monday and opening a case and putting children on child in need case
My head all over do I end things for good with my partner or keep fighting for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlielvzross · 08/03/2022 08:31

Thank you
Things are really going great at the min they has been no incidents for 4 months

OP posts:
LIZS · 08/03/2022 08:32

4 months out of 7 years Shock I think the question is how you have avoided the SS radar until now.

Original poster
Charlielvzross · 08/03/2022 08:33

What my sons name

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlielvzross · 08/03/2022 08:34

Even before that everything was ok

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/03/2022 08:37

You don't get social services open CIN plans unless they have real concerns.

You chose your, by all accounts dangerous, partner over your parents. Don't lose your kids for him too.

FreyaMaya · 08/03/2022 08:39

The social services are definitely concerned for your children's welfare if they are setting up a child plan. If you are wanting this drunk man in your child's life, you deserve to be kept an eye on by social services!!! What a disgrace of a mother you are!!
Put your children first for fuck sake!

LIZS · 08/03/2022 08:40

Your story is inconsistent. If he was only there when children were not why did he need to move out to a hostel? Lockdown was two years ago, so has he been drunk and violent during that period, not just 4 months ago. I rather suspect you are being selective with the truth to yourself and others and only hearing from SS what you want to hear.

Byefornow · 08/03/2022 08:42

Why is he in a hostel. Does he work for a living?

Hiddenvoice · 08/03/2022 08:43

I’m sorry but as pp said ss don’t put a children in need plan into place for no reason. They are clearly not happy with your children being around this man. They need to investigate concerns but they will also have school reports and police reports to assist and have decided to escalate it.
Things have been good for 4 months, it would have also been good at some point before but things have changed and police have been involved.
I know you love him and it’s tough but please put your children first.
If it carry’s on with this man and things get worse you could end up losing your children and no man is worth that.

Original poster
Charlielvzross · 08/03/2022 08:43

I never said violence

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/03/2022 08:46

@Charlielvzross

I never said violence
The police wouldn't come out if you said "my partner is drunk outside my house". What do those police reports say?
LIZS · 08/03/2022 08:46

Police won't turn up for a bit of yelling. He was trying to get in and your instinct said no. Act on it now and end it.

Original poster
Charlielvzross · 08/03/2022 08:50

Yes they do if it’s my house and he’s refusing to leave Wen drunk

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/03/2022 09:03

OP stop. Just stop. You're defending this appalling man, God knows why. If you continue a relationship with him YOU WILL LOSE YOUR CHILDREN. Either SS will remove them, or they will stay with you for now but leave as soon as they can and resent you for life.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. We are advised not to get into or return to a relationship until we're AT LEAST one year clean and sober. He needs to concentrate on his recovery - that's HIS job, nobody else, least of all you, should be involved. Your job is to parent your children, which means keeping unsafe influences away from them.

I really recommend doing the Freedom program online because it sounds like your ideas of what a healthy relationship looks and feels like are way off base. And that means you're not showing your children a good example.

Good luck op, please keep him gone.

girlmom21 · 08/03/2022 09:05

OP stop. Just stop. You're defending this appalling man, God knows why. If you continue a relationship with him YOU WILL LOSE YOUR CHILDREN. Either SS will remove them, or they will stay with you for now but leave as soon as they can and resent you for life.

Perfect. This is about as clear and obvious as it's going to get OP.
If you choose to stay with him you choose to lose your children.

Original poster
Charlielvzross · 08/03/2022 10:00

I’m not defending him I know he’s done wrong completely that’s why I kicked him out we are tryin to work on the relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlielvzross · 08/03/2022 10:02

Thank you for comment my parents also sent me loads of abuse n sent my partner death threats

OP posts:
Unanananana · 08/03/2022 10:04

Why would you want to work on this 'relationship'? Why are you choosing cock above your own children?

WorraLiberty · 08/03/2022 10:07

@Charlielvzross

Thank you for comment my parents also sent me loads of abuse n sent my partner death threats
Oh dear
girlmom21 · 08/03/2022 10:10

@Charlielvzross

Thank you for comment my parents also sent me loads of abuse n sent my partner death threats
Don't you think it's maybe time for you to worry about your own children and get all of these toxic people out of their lives?
JorisBonson · 08/03/2022 10:36

Are you quite young OP?

girlmom21 · 08/03/2022 10:39

@JorisBonson

Are you quite young OP?
She's got at least 2 children from before her 7 year relationship so she must be late 20s at the absolute youngest.
Mama98 · 08/03/2022 11:06

My boyfriends son lives with us and his mother lost all her children for sticking with an awful abusive man, (she's not all that great either) however he was the main reason for the socail getting involved and she wouldn't leave him, but with the danger of him and the red flags between them both she lost all three of her children. She will never be allowed them back now until they're 18, and a couple of months down the line they broke up anyway!

I'm sorry but people don't ring or get the socail involved for nothing, if the socail think something is a major red flag to get involved then clearly something toxic and unsafe is happening around the care of your children.

It shouldn't even be something to contemplate choose your kids! Concentrate on making a happy home for you and your son. My partners ex will always been known by her children as they get older as a mother who gave them up and didn't fight or chose another life over them and she will have to live with that for the rest of her life. Though I don't think it bothers her much but who knows.

coldfeetmama · 08/03/2022 16:54

With kindness OP

Think about this for a minute

Your children are young and need a loving stable home

He's a drunk who needs the police to remove him from disturbing everyone outside your home

Your family see it

Social services DO NOT take kindly to women who prioritise a bit of cock over their own children

Wake up , fuck him off and work on your self esteem and parenting priorities

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/03/2022 00:09

The social workers don't have concerns and yet "Social worker said my partner not allowed to stay overnight when children are here"?

Really? Because that makes no sense at all.

Choose your kids. Not this bloke.

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