Why do I feel like this?

[SomewhatIrked]

I've been with my boyfriend for a few months. I'm mid 40s and he's 12 years older.

I've always had terrible relationships. I've never had one I've considered to be long term. He and I went out with my adult son last week and when I went to the loo, he told my son he thinks I'm wonderful and my son told him he's never seen me this happy, which is true.

But every few weeks I feel an overwhelming sense of dread. I doubt everything he says, I feel its all a lie and going to come crashing down around me. Then I feel a sense of peace and 'know' with certainty that all I need to do is end it and I'll be happy again. And then it passes.

I've not shared this with him or anyone else. I don't know what triggers it. I have considered it might be hormonal as I have signs of perimenopause but I feel so wretched and filled with despair every few weeks, I can't cope with it and sometimes wonder if I would be better off ending it just so I don't feel like this

I can't tell you why you feel that way, but I do know that instincts are there for a reason.

A friend of mine had a relationship with a man who everyone thought was wonderful. She ignored her instincts and ended up stuck in a very difficult marriage for 16 years.

Deep down, something is really troubling you about the relationship. You feel peaceful when you decide to end it. I think that you should let that guide you.

I don't think it's about him though.

I've never felt safe, secure or loved with anyone before and I do with him. As far as I would feel it with anyone.

But this voice comes along every few weeks and doubts it all.

I don't know.

I've had plenty of shit relationships in the past. I know what they look like and it's not this.

It might be useful to read up about adult attachment. I suspect your "fight/flight" response may have to do with childhood trauma. Do you have someone you can talk to about this?

I’m in a similar situation and I’ve said things to my boyfriend to push him away because of it . But he’s stood firm and doesn’t change how he is with me so all I can say is go with it and in time you’ll start to trust in it all as being good and genuine .

Why don’t you log your periods and your mood for a couple of months and see if it is PMT.
Mine got really bad in peri menopause.

Thanks. I will track my periods - I've Keverne really bothered and see.

I don't know if I should mention it to him. Everything is going so well, I don't want to put doubts there - either on his part or to let him think I'm having doubts either. Because I'm not. But they do feel very real. I spent a lot of time last time it happened speaking to a friend who was brilliant in talking le down from ending it but this time I'm trying to deal with it on my own.

*Never

It is early days so you are wise to be cautious as you don’t know him well enough.Perhaps meeting your son triggered you as it signalled an deeper commitment.

Keep a journal and log your thoughts. Peri does cause mood swings so that can definitely be a factor.

However don't dismiss your instincts either. You have learned from previous relationships so take that on board. When you feel anxious journal your thoughts as that might help you see a pattern.

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/

You have an anxious attachment style.

Were your previous relationships bad because you didn't feel loved and reassured enough, and when you tried to talk about it, things turned unpleasant?

I would attribute this to menopausal changes OP. I am not in the least bit anxious, ever, sometimes even when I should be anxious but since I hit menopause, I started suffering with anxiety. I did some basic research and crippling anxiety and doom laden thoughts and feelings can come hand in hand with the menopause

Sounds like you're anxious and maybe have commitment or abandonment issues. Therapy could work.