How do you split with someone you're not married to?

[zosevamo]

I need to leave my partner, the father of my kids, for my own sanity. I don't think he is in control of his emotions and he's always shouting at us and being rude to me or contradicting me. He loves them though and the eldest adores him. I'm worried I'm turning into him with all the stress and I'm quick to shout now too. The issue is that we aren't married but do share a house with a mortgage. I've broached separating /selling numerous times but he always shuts me down. He can be nice and I feel like its not abuse because its not deliberate but he does try to control as much as possible. I hate all this stress so end up accepting even the lightest attempt to rectify things. How on earth can I get out and take the kids, and not lose all the money I've put into the home? I think separating and him not being with us all the time will improve his parenting too. I am concerned he's going to claim I'm not fit, to cause issues when I do this.

Do you work ?
I think you’ll need to see a solicitor to force the sale if he won’t play ball

Do you own as joint tenants or tenants in common?
Can you afford to buy his share out ( can he yours?)

What do you propose re child arrangements? Will he be aggreeable? How old are the children ?

Yes, I earn a decent wage but am part time. Its not enough to cover my share of this household bills and mortgage and pay for anything else though.

Joint tenancy, we both paid half of the deposit and both pay half of everything. I am part time (his expectation) so I pick up the eldest from school. The youngest is in childcare. I think he will dig his heels in with whatever I propose but realistically isn't willing to reduce or change his own 9 to 5 hours. He does get involved outside his work hours. Neither of us could afford to buy the other out, its a high mortgage.

Can you go full time at work and share pick ups and drop offs in preparation for separating?

Just because you don't need a divorce to end a marriage, doesn't mean you don't need a solicitor. You'll have to negotiate how you split jointly owned assets and also arrangements for the children including payment of child support.

Get some legal advice.

Worth seeing a solicitor. If you sell will there be equity? Can you use to that downsize? Buy the cheapest, smallest place that suits your lifestyle. Kids can share so you could get by with a 2bed flat. Just do what you have to in order to get out

You need a solicitor. Me and exdp managed without a solicitor years ago but we both realised our relationship had come to an end, we didn't have children and we just split everything equally. Your situation is more complex.

Also, this I feel like its not abuse because its not deliberate cannot be true so you definitely need a solicitor. Look at how youve described him! He is a grade A knobhead. Not nice at all.

1. I don't think he is in control of his emotions
2. he's always shouting at us
3. (Always) being rude to me or contradicting me
4. I've broached separating /selling numerous times but he always shuts me down.
5. He does try to control as much as possible.
6. I am concerned he's going to claim I'm not fit, to cause issues when I do this.
7. I think separating and him not being with us all the time will improve his parenting too.

So he cannot be a decent father either atm and certainly isnt a nice partner.

Easily babe
It’s soooo much easier
You need to take a deep breath
See a Soliciter and crack on
It’s emotionally the same hardness
Financially and legally way easier

I spent about £1K on legal fees

My firm was very good for abusive
Women led practice
Recommend them highly

Unfortunately there's no spare capacity for childcare in the area that would allow me to go full time and the youngest is breastfeeding plus solids -and is accustomed to her current feed time and doesn't accept a bottle. I'm also in the position where he isn't accepting any suggestions of separating and has not accepted any suggestions ever of me doing more hours. He's got his opinions and I've pretty much been shouted down on mine.

He can be nice and I feel like its not abuse because its not deliberate but he does try to control as much as possible.

It doesn't have to be deliberate or conscious for it to be abuse, the effect on the person on the receiving end of it is the same whether the behaviour was intentional or not.

He's got his opinions and I've pretty much been shouted down on mine.

This is controlling behaviour. See a solicitor. He doesnt get to decide you are never allowed to leave him.

He doesn't sound very nice. At all. I've just increased my hours at work - my partner didn't even get involved in the decision, I just told him what I was doing and he agreed we'll need a cleaner.

I was in a similar situation. Ex DP has a serious mental health condition that worsened after we had children and made him impossible to live with. I wish I had got out sooner. I second all the advice to get a solicitor. I couldn’t buy him out but he pays towards the mortgage as an investment so I stayed in the family home with the kids which is possible with child maintenance.

As others have said, it may not feel like abuse because he can’t help it - that doesn’t change the impact on you and the children. And let me guess, he can control his feelings at work, just not at home?

Omg yes, he can completely control it at work (we work from home and he's a totally different person on work calls). How did you guess? Thank you. I think he's had my phone actually because he's had a sudden personality change for the better this week and there was a day my phone went missing and mysteriously turned up somewhere I'd checked multiple times. I am actually using a friend's mumsnet account because mine is associated with my emails which he has access to. Its just made me doubt myself again because he's suddenly saying all the right things and hasn't been shouting at any of us all week.

OP this is his cycle, be nice then turn nasty then be nice again. If he was horrid all the time, you would of left years ago. This was my experience as well. In the end I said thats it I'm done and no matter what behaviours he threw at me, I didn't waiver. My guess is your partner will do this as well. Don't fall for it - its all done in panic against the change that you have decided is going to happen. 2 things really helped me - my mum and close friends were supportive of me separating and I had a couple of places that I could stay at short term - 1 or 2 nights per week with the kids so I (and him) could get some space and not be drawn into the round and round conversation of him trying to convince me it'll be different this time (see what I mean about the pattern - I'd realised it was never going to be what I needed the relationship to be).

It felt like I was a stuck record but eventually it sunk in - I was done and was focused on leaving the relationship and focusing on co-parenting / sorting the financials / disentangling our lives.

you see to be saying you don't have a choice. That he won;t hear of separating. Its not up to him. if you want to leave, you can. See a solicitor wrt the house and get accurate info about that. There will be childcare available, you might just have to cast your net wider, or accept you'll need UC topups for a while until your youngest is at school. There are always options and a way out. Take your time, take advantage of his temporary "nice" to get the info you need and start looking for places.