Nearly one year post D-DAY. Does it really get any better from here?

[TrentHD27]

My wife had an affair about 9 months ago. It was an EA and PA and lasted no longer than a couple of months. We have been together for 18 years and have 2 children. Things are now getting back on track and all contact has been cut with the AP, so I believe. She is doing everything she can and more to right the wrong that she has done and the mess she has created for herself and our family.

The thing is I just can’t seem to shake off the mental torture of thinking will she do it again. Will he contact her? Will she contact him? Does she miss him? No matter how much I hate what happened, the affair did happen. She must have felt something for him in order to do what she has done and she must miss what she had.

I have asked how she feels and she is 100% adamant that there are no feelings towards him and she never thinks about what they had and she doesn’t miss a single thing, as it was all wrong. Her words were “it’s the biggest mistake of her life”. But I’m not stupid. She wasn’t thinking it was “the biggest mistake of her life” when texting him, sleeping with him and seeing him every day.

Things are really good in our relationship now. In fact I would say, I’m really happy apart from all the Sh*t that that comes along with infidelity. I’m trying so, so hard to put it aside and to the back of my head. So I can at least try and move forward and make something out of what’s left of our marriage, for me, my wife and our kids. But it’s so hard. The feelings are always there. I’m playing the “what if” game all the time.

Its constantly on my mind that she admits he made her happy, she admits she did miss him at the time when she wasn’t with him, and she admits that he said he loved her. So if he loved her, why didn’t he fight for her? If she loved him and he made her happy why is she still here with me?

We live so close to him, I just feel he could contact her at any point and they could start talking again. Whether that’s on social media or even Turing up at her work place. Things are good for us now, but what happens when that wears off, will she go back for the excitement and happiness that she had with her AP.

She states she didn’t love him, she doesn’t miss him, she has no feelings for him and will never ever be in contact with him ever again. She just wants us to get on with our lives….

What if she has a secret phone and is in contact with him? What if she has a secret email address or social media accounts that I don’t know about. What if, inside she is in pain and is missing him and what she had but she just doesn’t want to split up a family. And can’t be honest with me?

Is it normal to question these things and feel like this? Am I being paranoid and should I be happy that my wife is doing everything she can to put this right. That me and my family are still together and she says she does see it was a massive mistake and would never do it again.

I know people will say and affair isn’t a mistake because it’s a series of choices, and I do agree. But surely there must be people out there that have had affairs, seen it as a mistake and moved on and fixed the mess that they caused and stayed together. Surely not every one that has an affair, has to end up in separation with a broken family.

I just can’t seem to shake off the feeling of feeling worthless and ugly. I have seen the AP and he is everything I’m not. I don’t see why she has chosen to stay with me. But she has and she seems to be really genuine in what she says and how she acts. But how do I stop these feelings that will end up pushing he away in the end.

Any advice would be gratefully received. I would like to hear from people that’s suffered an affair and may be some one that betrayed their spouse and how you really felt a year down the line after ending the affair.

I would say you need to be honest with your wife about how you are feeling.

I don't mean it to be a rehashing of what she did - I mean positioning it now as your issue.

You wanted to forgive and forget and move on, but you are unable to at the moment.

It sounds like she is doing everything to put your mind at rest - so really you have a choice:

1. You commit to your marriage - meaning she continues to show you with her actions that she is committed to you and your marriage, and you work on your trust issues.

2. You decide that despite your efforts, you are unable to move on.

I will say however that 1 year isn't that long really.

My DW and i have both hurt each other in the past - i would say in both cases it took longer than 1 year for the hurt party to deal with their feelings of mistrust/betrayal.

In fact I would say it was more like 2 or 3 years - and that was with constant work from both of us to do what was necessary to move on.

@TrentHD27

My husband had a 2 month affair last year, he told me as he was going to leave to be with her. We have 2 children under 14 who would be devastated if we split. He decided he wanted to stay and we're still together, for now.

I honestly don't know if I can stay with him. I have all the same doubts and questions you have. Whatever he says and no matter how happy our day to day lives are, I feel he's only really here because of our children. I'd thought we had a happy marriage, that been shattered, I now feel like I mustn't have ever really known him.

We have had counselling, I still go, which has helped. I've gone round in circles if to stay together, I've decided if we did split now I'd always wonder if we could have worked things out. Also, for various reasons, if I do decide to divorce him, 18 months time works better for me. It also gives me time to arrange for him to get things in our house finished.

I'm sorry to say it but nearly 4 years on and I'm planning my exit very soon. It just doesn't heal, the trust is gone and the reminders just pop up constantly. I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD! It's awful, I absolutely get what your saying. I think you need to be honest with yourself and your partner, some things just can't be fixed 😞

I can't really help as all the doubts you give and questions you have would have been on my mind too.

I kicked him out immediately because I knew that not only did I deserve better than to have someone clear one, but I wanted more put of life than what you are currently experiencing.

It's shit and I feel for you x

A year is still very early days

Be open, set aside time to talk about your feelings and fears. Try not to bring it up in anger, talk when you’re rational. I found it easier to think that I hadn’t decided to stay, I just hadn’t decided to leave.

Live your life so that if it doesn’t work out, or it happens again, you won’t feel this time is wasted.

@Grasping

Are you still with your partner? If so how long did it take for you to not want to check where he was and to trust that he (or she) wasn't still seeing the AP?

Due to circumstances my husband is at the same place as his ap up to 3 times a week, she lives a 5 minute walk from us. I'm finding it all so hard.

Hi OP, I found out something similar last June and have had the ups and downs ever since that you describe. My husband is still here- various reasons - love for him - feeling paralysed by the gut wrenching upset, considerations about money and the children. His mistress is out of the picture but like you I wonder and want these feelings to go.My self esteem is shite, I wish the stress had made me skinny !! I just want to say these emotions are real and it’s early days for you. I hope you have a friend to confide in. They have saved me. Please be kind to yourself x

@TheWhistler2

Yes, we’re still together.
It’s hard to define a set amount of time because it slowly diminished. The more I checked and found nothing, the more confident I became, and so the checking declined.

In the early days the affair occupied my brain constantly. I could feel it in my gut and my heart felt like a massive weight. Like grief, it hasn’t gone, but it’s far less frequent and painful.