Healing after emotional abuse - struggling

[PollyDarton1]

Hi all.
I left my DP after 7 years in September last year after many years of difficulties. My final straw was when our son accidentally broke the new TV and he called him a "fucking prick" and "fucking bastard" before dissolving into tears and promising to change. I'd had enough.

My problem is I just cannot move on. It's like an addiction, I'm desperate for his approval and his time. He's now in a new relationship and blissfully happy, and I'm sitting here daily crying that I must have been the problem all along because I did (and do) have mental health issues (ADHD).

I know I need counselling, I know I need to do the freedom programme and I have read Lundy Bancroft but despite my best efforts, I'm still convinced if I was more XYZ then he would have behaved better toward me.
A non-exhaustive list of some of the worst things;

• Lovebombed me to start with
• Talked endlessly about himself and never took interest in me
• Blew hot and cold
• Forced me to get an abortion
• Made comments about my weight and tried to control what I wore/looked like
• Called me things like "fucking bitch/cnut/fat/disgusting" in front of the children
• Told me he fancies me more if I'm slimmer/wore make up
• Aggressive, frustrated, rude, hostile if anything inconvenienced him
• Unable to deal with my issues, but needs help and sympathy for his own
• Accused me of being abusive when I was suicidal and asked him to come home from work as I was scared with our 3 year old
• Speaks hideously of people he doesn't like and hold grudges

I have a really long list of things, but I know I made mistakes too - I can be relentless and wouldn't back down in an argument. He never specifically hit me although he would often throw things around and bash doors in if angry.

The thing is, since I split with him, he's made no attempts to get me back or really control me. He wants me out of his life, although he has come to me with his woes on occasion and then shut me out when they've been resolved. He is or was very angry for me for leaving, as he felt it was unnecessary, and says we were both toxic to each other. The idea that he is now in this seemingly happy and supportive relationship (he's divulged details about how she's calm and caring and he can be so open with her unlike me) makes me feel 100% that I was the issue, and I'm not sure how to reconcile that. I know I made mistakes and did things I shouldn't but in the course of 7 years I went from a stable, well adjusted person (albeit with ADHD) to a complete shell - my anxiety was dreadful, I couldn't cope with work or parenting. Since we've split my mental health has been fine and I'm on course for doing good things.

All my friends and family say he was abusive, he was an arsehole, I shouldn't give him a second thought and they are bored of me questioning myself and going through these cycles of feeling strong and then weak.

Does anyone have any advice? Thanks x

Is the son he called that vile name his? Op concentrate solely on getting your life on track.. You've done brilliantly getting rid of him and taking control of you and your children's self worth.He's in the early rosy stage with his new gf it will all change when he treats her the same. Hold your head high be proud of leaving and improving your mental health and being a good responsible caring mum. Don't give your vile ex any more headspace.

Oh and it's exhausting going over old arguments he said this..so I should of said/ done that. You'll drive yourself mad just like his new gf will be in a year or so. Be thankful he's not your problem now. X

@Tulipsandviolets

Is the son he called that vile name his? Op concentrate solely on getting your life on track.. You've done brilliantly getting rid of him and taking control of you and your children's self worth.He's in the early rosy stage with his new gf it will all change when he treats her the same. Hold your head high be proud of leaving and improving your mental health and being a good responsible caring mum. Don't give your vile ex any more headspace.

Yes, it is his son. He's also pushed him into the sofa to move him out of the way of said beloved TV and caused a bruise but claims it was an accident (it wasn't, I saw it in slow motion).

He says he's now a calm and engaged dad (but I found my son was on the iPad for 9 out of the 24 hours he was with him yesterday, and was asleep for 11) because he no longer has to be "my fucking carer" and he doesn't miss me or my issues at all.

I don't think he'll treat her the same - he'll treat it as a clean slate and be clever not to muck it up. They've had some problems already (he came to me all with them last weekend) where they both had bad gut instincts but he said they had an emotional and difficult conversation where they realise neither is to blame and are open and honest with each other. It's breaking my heart, because he would never make those kind of allowances for me, even at the start.

I just don't know if I was abused, or whether he was just under pressure and snapped. He got some very limited counselling when we were together where the counsellor said he needed to "eliminate the external stresses" (aka me) and his mood would improve. My response to that is everyone has external stresses and it's about learning coping mechanisms, not blame.

He says that we will always have differing perspectives over our relationship and that he did behave badly but blamed it on the pressure cooker of the relationship - granted, we had a tough start. He's never apologised, and says I need to take ownership over my own mistakes (I have, but mine are mainly to do with a huge decline in mental health because I was dismissed and insulted constantly and left to deal with it alone).

What he did to your son plus this :

"Called me things like "fucking bitch/cnut/fat/disgusting" in front of the children"

You can rest easy at night knowing your free from this. This man is repulsive and was making your life miserable along with the long list of things. You never know what goes on behind closed doors but I bet it's not or won't be the rosy picture he paints for long.

He bruised his son and calls you vile name's he is disgusting, when he comes crawling to you for advice. Politely shut the door on him. Give him no more head space. Would you hit your child op??????? NO you wouldn't so there's the answer he's a vile thug

He made my life so miserable. He would always profess to change and get help for the way he was towards me but never came to it or backed down the minute he started. We went to couples counselling once and spent the entire sessions talking over me and making everything out to be my fault.

He now says he thinks he has autism which explains his reactions to things, presumably because his new girlfriend has said it - but I'd been saying it for years.

I just don't know if he was abusive or not.

He's abusive imo

You should be super grateful that you have escaped this man.

Do you want your son to grow up in an abusive household and by default become an abusive husband and father himself one day? Because that is what will happen if you subject your child to such a dynamic.

Your ex will not be able to change. Have you ever tried to change - it is so hard - to change anything about ourselves as we are usually programmed to be a certain way and it is not easy to change that (although I accept it is possible)

Stop engaging with this man, don’t let your son take his iPad, or put a timer on it.

Start looking forward otherwise you will get stuck in the past.

You are letting this hideous individual live rent free in your head and burn your emotional energy. Time to wise up. Help yourself - no one else will do it for you

As you know as you have written it, you need counselling. You are hurting yourself by repeatedly picking at this wound. He was abusive to you and to your child, you walked away. If you think about it rationally, of course he is going to go out of his way to present his best side to you now and blame it all in you, because he showed you his very worst. He was then and is now projecting all his crap onto you because you are an easy target. You need to stop being one. You need to invest some time sitting in therapy and unpicking how you ended up here. All the comparison and the negative self talk needs to looked at. You made a good choice OP. That is the central point you seem to be unable to hold onto.

Thank you. I've done a lot of reading this morning about trauma bonds and addition to abusers, based on the intermittent reinforcement that they provide. It was scary reading as it sounded just how I felt (and feel).

I contacted a counsellor locally who specialises in domestic and emotional abuse this morning so am hoping I can unpick some of this with them.

He could be so, so good. He effectively cheated on me just before lockdown and then when he realised it wasn't going to go anywhere and I was hounding at him to get back together, he was the model boyfriend for such a long time. Even six/seven months ago we were planning our wedding but when he went back to work after furlough he started to change again. But even then he was always making comments about my weight/my parenting/what I ate.

I don't think he'll treat her the same - he'll treat it as a clean slate and be clever not to muck it up. They've had some problems already (he came to me all with them last weekend) where they both had bad gut instincts but he said they had an emotional and difficult conversation where they realise neither is to blame and are open and honest with each other. It's breaking my heart, because he would never make those kind of allowances for me, even at the start.

But he's lying. surely you see that? he's telling HER that you understood him, are accomodating etc and you that things are all perfect (even though they clearly are not)

i don't like to beat a woman when she is down but you need to get some self respect. he is awful, he is using you and he was a total wanker to your son.

Of course he could be good, you wouldn't have stayed with him if he was purely abusive. (Or you may have done but then your motivation would have been different). People who abuse, like all people, are a rich mix of different qualities. Right now you maybe keep veering towards his good qualities, it's ok to acknowledge that he had them, but his negative actions WAY outweigh his good qualities. That's the place you need to bring yourself to. He hurt your child OP. Of course it is easier to see people as good or bad but the truth is more complex than that. And he cheated on you too? Yep you made a good escape

And I think you know this but don't be his sounding board for his current relationship. He probably lies to you, his agenda is probably malicious, and you just don't need that in your life. Tell him to find a counsellor and shut the door.

I think the reason I'm veering towards his good qualities is he's clearly capable of them, given that his new girlfriend has been posting lovingly about him after less than a month. Maybe he has changed. He always maintains that I helped him "emotionally grow" as a person.

I've set a list of very strict boundaries that I want (and suspect he will) adhere to, as I'm firmly the architect of blame. He will uphold them as he sees the relationship as "shit" and wants nothing to do with me. Last Monday I was his friend who he could sound off to, get advice from, he felt calm around. Now I'm just a manipulative cunt, apparently. I've shut the door firmly on him and I don't think he'll barge through now he's got his new girlfriend.

It's just processing what happened, and knowing that maybe he will be happier elsewhere and it was just me.

Block his current partner on social media. How much do we all long to be 'the one who he could truly be his best self with'. It is all bollocks. However much she knows, she will want to be the shiny new lovely wonderful partner in all this. And he will just love that too. He was and his the same bloke. He just has two women now who are desperate for his approval. Ugh. He sounds like a hideous manchild. You are well rid.

I assume his new partner is 'posting lovingly' due to his present best behaviour which won't last. Have little or nothing to do with him OP, I'm sure you can do better, it's most definitely not your fault - it's his. You're better off on your own than with a specimen like him.

According to him, she's abused by both her dad and her ex husband and has trust issues, but then said nope, she's fine, and now wants to introduce our son after 3 months. She introduced her kids to him after less than 3 weeks, and had him over her house whilst they were sleeping on date 3. I'm scared to be honest.

If you believed BIL and SIL's SM, it's all sweetness and light over there.

Don't get involved. He's using her to manipulate you. And probably doing the same to her. She probably has pretty poor boundaries if she's suffered before and he has targeted her for that reason.

Grey rock. Ignore. Deal with him only in context of your ds.

Hello OP, he does sound very abusive, I’m sorry you went/are going through it.

I’m in the process of leaving someone like this at the moment, and what has helped me is to restore the sense of my own agency in memories of the relationship. Specifically in relation to ‘good times’ that make letting go harder. I realised I’d framed the whole thing around ‘that HE could be very nasty (the swearing, aggression, stonewalling) but also HE could be lovey too (days out, nice meals remembered, things about the house).’ When I restored a sense of myself I realised I had been responsible for a lot of the good times, as in I can be very loving and fun and am a good cook and have a funny sense of humour— a lot of those things were (at least half) me and are therefore not lost. I still have them.

Thank you all - sorry I've only just come back to this.

I feel mildly stronger today but yesterday all I wanted to do was contact him, end the conflict, talk as friends, be in his life. And I don't know why - his life is boring (his own admission) but I feel so lonely sometimes.

Whatever he did to me was so insidious and covert - whenever I read about abuse etc some of it jumps out and some of it doesn't sound like him at all.