Struggling with marriage

[Newbie321ace]

I'm struggling with my marriage and I don't know what to do. I feel like my husband picks up on every small mistake I make and is able to put a lot of effort into that, but if I need any emotional support or understanding, he completely closes up. Since the birth of our toddler and during the pandemic I feel like things have got worse - he has become quite distant from me. He doesn't seem to want to spend quality time with me - I've asked a lot over the last year (it is hard with children, but for example we could both take half a day off work and do something together) - he just doesn't seem to value my thoughts or desires at all. I find he doesn't seem to care when I need some emotional support. I struggled with this in the early weeks and months of being a mum. Even when I am ill with a bad cold (which is quite rare) he doesn't make a fuss or, to be honest, seem to care. He can be in a bit of a mood sometimes, or seem tired (which of course we both are), and can happily ignore me, but still puts on a happy and positive face for our toddler.
I feel like I put up with it all, but when I look back I can see that I keep a lot of thoughts and emotions to myself - sometimes if I tell him personal emotional feelings or worries, he will sometimes use them back at me in a future argument. When we plan things together, he often doesn't really tell me his opinions on things until it is too late, or after the event. I feel quite lonely within our marriage and I want to fix things, but I also feel like I deserve so much more. I feel really upset about it all - I married thinking we'd be together forever, but some days I think of how unhappy I am and I don't want to spend the next 50 years or so feeling like this. I'd really welcome thoughts from anyone who has been in this position on how I can make things better.

You list a lot of things he doesn't do ... Then ask what YOU can do to make things better!

Joint therapy if he will agree to it may be your only hope. Otherwise individual therapy for yourself to find the way forward.

@Newbie321ace Kudos to you for recognizing this so early in your relationship and deciding to do something about it. I put up with similar bulshit for more then twenty-five years before I called it quits. I wish I had done it years ago, when I was a young woman, to give my self a chance to perhaps find someone else who will appreciate me more. When my kids were younger, so that I could have fun with them, doing stuff I always wanted to do.

I agree with the previous poster, do try to go for couples therapy, but definitely go for individual. This will help you clear your head and will empower you to make the change. Either way, do something sooner rather then later. Each of us has only one life and we owe it to ourselves to live it to the fullest.
Best of luck. Hugs.

[quote movingon2022]@Newbie321ace Kudos to you for recognizing this so early in your relationship and deciding to do something about it. I put up with similar bulshit for more then twenty-five years before I called it quits. I wish I had done it years ago, when I was a young woman, to give my self a chance to perhaps find someone else who will appreciate me more. When my kids were younger, so that I could have fun with them, doing stuff I always wanted to do.

I agree with the previous poster, do try to go for couples therapy, but definitely go for individual. This will help you clear your head and will empower you to make the change. Either way, do something sooner rather then later. Each of us has only one life and we owe it to ourselves to live it to the fullest.
Best of luck. Hugs.[/quote]
Thank you, movingon2022.

I feel a bit stuck. What is the best way to find couples therapy - would somewhere like relate be best? I feel so upset that it has come to this - I cry most days - either in secret or in front of my husband, but he just ignores it, or (even worse) he says I'm being insane or ridiculous, which breaks my heart even more. It makes me start to doubt myself. I feel so trapped and alone. I feel like he is just so distant from me, yet can master up the enthusiasm and friendliness for everyone else around us. I feel like I deserve so much more - how can someone treat someone like this after the birth of their child? I just don't understand it. I feel like it's always me that tries to fix things too. If a friend of mine told me this about their marriage I'd be so concerned for them. I feel heartbroken and sad and I feel like I'm putting in so much energy to be ok, for me and my daughter.

Can therapy help with all of this, do you think? I feel sad and worried.

Just to add, I have tried many things (and I'm not always crying :-) ) - but we don't spend any quality time together just the two of us (other than sometimes in the evening but by then we're both too exhausted. I feel like I hold my feelings and emotions back for fear of saying the wrong thing, and I don't feel like myself anymore. When I speak to other people I feel happy and more like myself, but then it's like he drains all of that when I speak to him. I don't know if he is stressed or what it is, but he's morphed into a completely different person. If I tell him how I feel he'll say I'm being miserable or being crazy, or he just ignores me. He ignores me all the time. I feel so stressed and upset about it all, I just want to make it all better and move on with our lives, one way or another.

I do not like the sound of your H at all; he is coming across as being emotionally abusive towards you in your posts. Pregnancy and birth are also flashpoints for such previously "nice" men to start really showing their true colours. Being alone in a marriage is both a sad and bad place to be in.

I would also think he will say a outright no to joint counselling and in any case you need to go on your own. Joint counselling is never permitted if there is abuse of any type within the relationship. I would also consider contacting Womens Aid here too.

Who taught you that you have to fix things?. You were not put on this earth to be some sort of fixer to an already broken man nor are you some sort of rehab centre for some badly raised man either. Why is it seemingly your job to fix things or want to fix things?. He has to want to be equally involved as well and it appears he does not give a toss about your own feelings at all.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. Is this really a good role model of a relationship to show her, no it is not and you would not want this for her either. What are you getting out of this relationship?.

"I feel so trapped and alone. I feel like he is just so distant from me, yet can master up the enthusiasm and friendliness for everyone else around us"

Another red flag here for him being abusive towards you. Abusers are often quite plausible to those in the outside world, the image of the nice family man is that important to them.

I feel for you ❤️

The need to hold back emotions resonates to my own situation, which I'm still in. If I do show sadness or emotions I am told I just feel sorry for myself and I'm fine. I have concluded that he is being emotionally abusive, which has developed slowly over the past 3-5 years. And I'm preparing to move on which is very hard.

Does he acknowledge his behaviour? Have you discussed how his behaviour is impacting you or talked about the relationship?

Holding back emotions is so bad for mental health and trust me it only gets worse the longer you do it. Even if it saves difficulty in the short-term. I've ended up feeling hollow and empty. Like my experience isn't valid to him and started losing my sense of self. You don't want this for you.

Sounds like you are the wife shaped appliance, there to do the wifework and childcare (with his masterful and manly criticism supervision of course). Sadly many males go into marriage with attitude, passed by down generations of men treating the women in their lives as less than human. Im not sure if there is a solution, perhaps counselling might help. But whatever happens dont waste your life being treated like this, he changes or you leave.

Oh @Newbie321ace my heart just breaks for you. This has been my married life on and off for many years. The behaviour your H is exhibiting is emotional abuse as he has chosen to ignore you and still able to be happy around your dd. Please don't be like me; if you can, get out or get counselling to help you work through all the feelings. Believe in your worth again, I have come so far down the road that apathy has set in. You are being gaslighted and it is so dehumanising. I made the mistake of Not separating and I do regret it; my mental health is now suffering horrifically. You do not deserve this. If you cannot be your authentic self, that is a red flag for sure. I send you love and support while you work through this quagmire of emotions. But please know, your H decision to treat you like that is on him, not you. Keep posting if it helps xx

@movingon2022 I always love to read your replies, you fill me with such hope. I seem to have lost all my courage again as I remember your wonderful support to me last year. Sadly, I've regressed and unable to muster the energy to get out. Low day today. I hope you are happy and enjoying your new chapter following such bravery in your part ❤️

@findthecourage Look at your username. Find the courage and move on. I know how hard it is and looking back I do not know how I did it either, but I guess I just had enough. I do not think I am the best example though as I managed to spend over 25 years with this man. The other day my therapist looked at me pitifully and said, "I have no idea how you survived that long with that man." I do not know either. In fact I did not really survive, what I am now is not the young, energetic women he married. I was always happy, singing and dancing and laughing and now looking at myself in the mirror I cannot even recognize myself. Please do not wait no more. You deserve to be happy, you owe it to yourself to make the best of your life and if you are not happy, for whatever reason, you should get out of the marriage. You can do it. Just do it. Just come out and say it and from there things will start changing.

@Newbie321ace Yes, therapy helps. It helped me figure out what is going on with me, what is my husband doing to me and how it is affecting me. It helped me made my decision, it helped me do it.

You are a young women. I know that it must be hard to even think about leaving and it will get worse before it gets better once you set things in motion, but eventually you will come out the other side victorious. Hugs

Thanks again everyone, for all the advice and support. It means a lot to me. I wondered if anyone is able to suggest how best to find a good therapist to help me with some of this? I feel a little stuck and I can't find the right step forward, out of this situation.

@Newbie321ace I do not live in UK so I do not have any contacts there. Where I live I just went online and randomly found one. I have to say that the first person I worked with was much more useful then the one I am with now but she went on mat leave. I say that you should just start with one and see how it goes. I felt much better when I started talking about it, right away, as I have never talked to anyone, not even my sister. After that when the therapist started naming things for me, like emotional abuse, narcissism, it made me feel better. Just knowing that I am not going crazy, that what was happening was wrong, was some kind of abuse, made me feel better. That someone validated my feelings. It gave me strength. She also thought me that I did not have to find reasons why I want to leave, that I wanted to was good enough. Soon after I realized that I did indeed want to end my marriage and that I did not want to "work it out". That was it. For me it was onwards and upwards from there. But it hurts, the whole thing does hurt a lot. You have to be prepared for it. Even when you know you are doing the right thing, even when you cannot wait for it to happen, even after it happens. It still hurts, at least sometimes. There will be feeling of loss, feeling of guilt, sadness, but you can do it. You will, I am sure of it. Please keep posting, it helps too.

@movingon2022 - thank you very much for this. I think the reason I'm holding back going to a therapist is that I feel like it's all my fault, but deep down I know it isn't. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy - like I've become so used to how he speaks to me, and how he ignores me but is so happy and content in the next moment when he's with our child. I feel so stressed and upset that I'm even in this situation. Is it normal in a marriage? I look around and I don't see my friends and family in similar situations and I just feel so overwhelmed by the whole thing. It hurts so much and ideally I do want to make it all better, but if I'm totally honest with myself, I don't think it ever will be what I truly want - how can it be if I'm this upset so frequently?

Listen to your instincts. You deep down know already this isn't right. And it will get much worse. Think about your future and what you want. And take seriously your unhappiness. You are worthy of more. You do not deserve this treatment. This is not normal no. Start planning and seek support to build up your strength. If you don't start acting on your feelings and situation now it will become so much harder

I do not think you are afraid she will tell you this is all your fault, I think you are afraid she will confirm that it is his. Because then you would finally know you have to do something. Often we stay in status quo just because it is simpler, easier, less disruptive. I totally get it. But I guarantee you she will not tell you it is your fault. She will listen to you and she will label your husbands behaviour for what it is. She will not tell you that you have to leave him, nobody will, but at one point you will know that you do. Once you open your eyes and accept the truth, there is no going back. That is what it was for me. Once I started going to therapy and started peeling the layers of my relationship and recognizing it for what it was I knew, very early on, that I could not stay in it, that I would leave sooner or later.

As for other people, you never know. There are very happy marriages out there, I am sure there are, but the things is you never know. People hide, just like we do/did behind the closed door. Just because somebody is together, maybe for a long time, does not mean they have a great marriage.

@sortmyselfout

Listen to your instincts. You deep down know already this isn't right. And it will get much worse. Think about your future and what you want. And take seriously your unhappiness. You are worthy of more. You do not deserve this treatment. This is not normal no. Start planning and seek support to build up your strength. If you don't start acting on your feelings and situation now it will become so much harder

Thanks @sortmyselfout. I know you're absolutely right, but it is so hard to go from knowing what I should do, to taking the first steps to do it. It could change my daughter's life forever and I don't want to make a mistake.

As an update, things are so up and down - I feel like I go from being his second favourite person in the world to being the reason behind any stress or upset he ever feels.

Just this evening we were having a nice conversation and I felt I wanted to bring something up that happened earlier in the day - just to quickly go over it - but he quickly became completely stressed and quite cross with me - in fact it ended with him throwing two glasses at the wall and him going to bed. He shouted and said he did it because I wasn't listening to him (I was listening to him) and he shouted a couple of other things he's not going to do because of it. I've literally spent about an hour trying to pick up all the tiny shards of glass as a result - whilst trying to avoid waking up our toddler with the hoover! I feel like this is one of the most shocking things that has happened. It was just so uncalled for - we were talking about a small thing that happened earlier today - just before that he's wanted to cuddle on the sofa.

I feel like I can't cope. I feel totally stuck and constantly ignored or belittled. What has happened tonight has just helped me realise that I am right in my thinking - but I feel so utterly stressed and upset that I'm in this awful situation.

OP I was going to reply as my marriage has taken a bloody lot of work on my side and not much on his,

If he is breaking glasses and being violent just get out. You must protect your child. Don't let them grow up thinking this is ok or normal. Just go