He's finally gone and I should be over the moon but all I feel is scared and alone!

[Thestreets]

After 12 years of abuse I finally found the courage to call the police and last night after he'd locked me in a room for 4 hours and headbutted, kicked, bit and hit me he was arrested and taken from our home.

He has been released on bail and there has been a domestic violence protection order placed against him meaning he can't contact me or the kids directly or indirectly.

I should be glad he's gone but all I want is him to comfort me and tell me its ok, how messed up is that?! I feel sick and scared and don't know how I am even still functioning. Please tell me it gets easier.

Oh bless you. You’ve been massively brave and you deserve more than this nasty bloke. I think it’s quite normal to wish he’d be sorry. Stay safe and keep posting

It's not messed up at all. That's the thing with abusers. They're not all bad or we would never have been with them! However much you love and miss him, you have done the right thing because he isn't capable of being a safe partner or father. You've been so brave. I hope you have some support in your life too?

I hear you… it’s so bloody hard when you know what the right and best thing to do is but your heart is having non of it.

Take a moment to remember it’s normal to feel like this. You are going to miss him, but what you are actually missing is the illusion of the relationship you desperately want. Love support hugs, respect etc, that’s not who He is though. And when he does do it he’s just playing the abuse cycle… Google abuse cycle to understand why you want the honeymoon period.

Trust me you need to love yourself more now. I hope you get where you need to be in life… happy and safe

Thank you so much for your kind words. I just feel like my whole life has came crashing down around me and its suffocating. I can't eat or sleep even though I'm hungry and exhausted.

@WTF475878237NC yes I do have support. I've told my mum this morning and my sister too who will be really supportive but I just want to curl up in a corner and cry and not have to deal with any of this mess

@cafenoirbiscuit the thing is he genuinely is sorry I think which makes it worse. He is a monster when drunk and a completely different man when sober, I think that's why I've put up with it all these years because it's not every week/month and not every time he drinks I've made excuses every single fucking time. I feel so ashamed. If the police hadn't turned up when they did I think I wouldn't be here today and that has given me the strength to end it.

I’m so very sorry you’re going through this OP.

I think at this stage, you can only take it an hour at a time. Any longer than that feels so scary, so don’t think months or years ahead.

For now, you need to be extremely kind to yourself. Can your family help with the children so you can rest? Have you been allocated a support worker from a domestic abuse service? If not, please ask the police about this.

You are allowed to miss him, and you are allowed to feel sad about the end of the relationship. As another posted said, abusers are not abusive 100% of the time, otherwise how would we get sucked in? It’s the good memories that hurt, we think that if we just try a bit harder it can go back to that and the abuse will stop, but it won’t.

This man could have killed you, and you have been so brave for you and your children by having him removed. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none, I’m learning this myself and it’s hard.

You don’t have to focus on everything right away, you don’t have to force yourself to get over this quickly, you just have to start by never going back.

A better life is out there for you and your children

It does get easier. You just need to get through this really hard bit. You CAN do it x

Even though its absolutely the right thing for you and your children for him to leave, it's still hard when any relationship ends. You're human, you're going to feel all sorts of emotions, but it doesn't change the fact that you deserve better and are now on the road to a better life although it might not seem like it now. Be kind to yourself, lean on friends and family and tell them what you need.

It’s ok to curl up and cry. What you’ve lost is the life you thought you’d have. You thought he’d be a good partner, be kind , caring and love you. A kind, caring partner who loves you doesn’t head butt you and lick you in a room. It’s the emotional acceptance versus the intellectual acceptance. You get this in bereavement too and what you’re going through is a sort of bereavement.
So it’s normal to cry, it’s normal to ask why couldn’t he be nice, kind, loving. It’s normal to rant and rave.
But you know you’re better off without him. He won’t change, he could get more violent. Stay strong, lean on your mum and sister to help you.
You will recover from this.

@SophB15 it's just so overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning. I know he had to go and in a way its a good thing that he completely lost the plot like this because otherwise he wouldn't have been arrested and given the bail conditions that he has. No, I haven't been given a support worker, the police were really helpful though so i can call tomorrow and ask about that. I don't even know where to begin to organise anything. I'm petrified children's services will now be involved, will they be questioned does anyone know? They didn't deserve any of this 😪

Please don’t worry.

The police have a duty of care to fill in a DASH form whenever a domestic abuse incident occurs with children in the property. Social services are likely to be informed too.

Don’t worry - they will be there to support you, and you will be offered help from a lot of different agencies, nobody will be looking to remove your children - they want to see that you are protecting your children and you have done that by calling the police. Did they go through a DASH form with you? It would have had around 15 questions relating to things your partner may have done in the past?

Social services won’t necessarily interview the children, you may be called by an assessment worker and they should go through everything with you but they are there to support you, I promise.

Funny how I work in this area and still was a victim of abuse isn’t it?

Have you managed to eat anything? X

It's completely normal. I've been there myself. It's mourning for what should have been instead of what it actually was. Also your life has been turned upside down and you may have trauma induced PTSD. Now you face an unknown future alone when you need a hug.
As the weeks go forward you will start to relax, sort things out and feel better. I promise. In a years time.e you won't recognise yourself.

No they didn't go through any form with me. Didn't even get a victim support leaflet that they said I would get today, just a link to a website that was texted to me and didn't work!

Honestly if you knew me in real life you would be shocked, I'm quite senior in my workplace and very assertive in my profession. Yet we end up a shivering wreck of our former selves at the hands of these men

Managed a little bit of pasta but just pushed it round the plate really, now I know why they call it the heartbreak diet!

@Thestreets

No they didn't go through any form with me. Didn't even get a victim support leaflet that they said I would get today, just a link to a website that was texted to me and didn't work!

Honestly if you knew me in real life you would be shocked, I'm quite senior in my workplace and very assertive in my profession. Yet we end up a shivering wreck of our former selves at the hands of these men

Not any longer though

You are going to be just fine in time, but you have to go through this awful bit first - there’s no going around it.

Just know that you have a whole army of women behind you on mumsnet, the support you will get here is invaluable. Please keep talking, I find re reading my own thread (only started this evening funnily enough) helps to keep me focused.

Leaving an abuser is the best thing you can do for your future self and for your children. You might not see it yet, but you are strong and you will survive this x

If your resolve waivers, think of your children. You absolutely must not allow them to continue to live in this environment, and you need to protect yourself for their sake. This man could kill you if you give him another chance. He must stay gone.

@SophB15 thank you I needed these words tonight. I've never posted on here about DH before but have read the advice given to other posters and really think without it I wouldn't have the strength to do what I did this morning. Now I just need to get through the next few months!

@Aquamarine1029 there is absolutely no chance that I will let him back in. He is allowed supervised access with the kids only as part of his bail conditions. My DD age 9 told me this afternoon that she was proud of me for calling th epolice and that has absolutely broken me. I will never allow her to feel scared in her own home again!

[quote Thestreets]@Aquamarine1029 there is absolutely no chance that I will let him back in. He is allowed supervised access with the kids only as part of his bail conditions. My DD age 9 told me this afternoon that she was proud of me for calling th epolice and that has absolutely broken me. I will never allow her to feel scared in her own home again![/quote]
It sounds like you have an incredible little girl there.

Your children will help get through, and you have showed her never to accept this from a man. You won’t yet, but you should feel proud.

One day a time, those months will pass. Summer will come, and a happier, peaceful life is on the other side of this

Hope you’re ok today OP x