Please help me

[SophB15]

Please can someone help me? I ended things with my partner of 18 months today.

He was abusive, I’ve posted on here about him before but I am embarrassed to say I went back. He has never hit me, but he has pushed me, smashed things, grabbed the wheel while I’ve been driving on a dual carriageway. He’s cheated on me and lies constantly. He has said the most horrible things to me. He has isolated me from my friends, I don’t even have SM anymore.

I have a child who has never met him thankfully.

Despite all of the above, I miss him already. I miss how affectionate he could be, the nice things he said, how it was between us on the good days. I’m so fucked up arent I? I can’t go back, I don’t want to go back, but how do I deal with all these feelings and get past it? Please, because right now I feel like taking all of that from him would be better than the sickness I feel now, not able to eat, I have no support or anyone to talk to about it.

I never thought this would happen to me, it was so slow I dismissed it in the beginning I know I shouldn’t have. None of my previous relationships have been like this, it’s not a pattern for me. How did I get here? How do I start to feel better?

Just take one day at a time. It is hard it's been 4 nearly 5 years since my ex left and I still miss the good bits. That's trauma bonding for you.

Can you seek out support from your gp or counselling. There are low cost options out there.

I found journaling really help. Also going as low contact as you can.

You’re allowed to grieve the relationship and the good time, that’s just a normal process. You must remember all the reasons why you needed it. It does get easier, stay strong x

Thank you.

I have blocked him, I’m just struggling so much with my feelings right now.

Try to think about how the things you miss are just "things". You don't miss him you miss certain actions that generate good feelings. You can get those same actions and feelings from someone else. You miss the feeling NOT HIM. Stay strong xx

You've done brilliantly to leave him again, being hurt and grieving doesn't mean you're not.

Lots of women go back after leaving the first time, you're not the only one to do so. The difference is now you are stronger.

I know you probably don't feel it, but we usually don't when we're being our strongest.

You're strong because you're doing this for your future and for your child. No one deserves to be abused, least of all you and your relationship with your ex was and is not worth the moments when he made you feel happy.

You deserve to be with someone who is worthy of you (your ex is not), who builds you up instead of tears you down.

The hurt and grief you feel is completely normal when ending a relationship. The sickness and intense pain will pass, I promise.

So. What to do now?

Well you don't mention finances or accommodation so if there's anything you need to sort here that comes next.

Cut any remaining ties to your ex.

TLC. This is a big one. Your appetite will come back but in the meantime you need to keep your body fuelled and energy up. Not doing so will affect your mood.

Apples, ginger, mint, plain foods...they're all good for grazing on when you feel sick. You don't have to eat that much, just try and keep your sugar levels stable. Sugar drops will make you feel worse and increase anxiety.

You know how you look after your child when they're unwell? That's how you need to look after yourself now.

You're not fucked up, love, I promise. You're not weak, you're not stupid or any other negative thought going through your head. And you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Focus on building a routine for you and your dc.

Reach out to your GP if you think you'd benefit from anti depressants, therapy or anxiety support. A good gp can also be great just for giving you someone to check in with on a regular basis.

Also get in touch with Womens Aid they can really help. Take a look through their website.

How do you feel about reaching out to an old friend or family member? They probably know your ex was behind the separation and will really welcome hearing from you. I'd be delighted to hear from a friend I care about.

Be proud of yourself, like your dc will be when they're old enough to understand. Leaving a bad relationship is hard. Leaving an abusive relationship is harder. You're doing so well. Stay strong and keep reaching out, we're behind you.

You're not alone.

I also want to tell you that you will be happy again without him, you will feel loved and special again and that this is the first step in building yourself a free, strong, independent and happy life for yourself and your DC.

You will struggle with your feelings, but it’ll get better one day at a time.
It’s natural to want to think of the good things, the good times you had. But the trouble is if you maximise these, make them bigger, more than they were —- and minimise the abuse. The abuse will always be there because he’s an abusive person. You said he never hit you as if that’s a redeeming characteristic — yet he still put your life in danger while you were driving.
Ha worked to make you reliant in him —- cut you off from friends, I assume he stopped your SM?
Make a list of all the abuse he did. And look at it each day. Try not to dwell on the what ifs. You’ll feel stronger as you get your life back.

A lot of people find it hard when they first leave @SophB15 . Make a list of the nasty things he did, and the pros of being free of him. Look at it when you need to strengthen yourself.

Eventually you'll feel so much better than you did with him.

Stay strong. x

@Susu49

You've done brilliantly to leave him again, being hurt and grieving doesn't mean you're not.

Lots of women go back after leaving the first time, you're not the only one to do so. The difference is now you are stronger.

I know you probably don't feel it, but we usually don't when we're being our strongest.

You're strong because you're doing this for your future and for your child. No one deserves to be abused, least of all you and your relationship with your ex was and is not worth the moments when he made you feel happy.

You deserve to be with someone who is worthy of you (your ex is not), who builds you up instead of tears you down.

The hurt and grief you feel is completely normal when ending a relationship. The sickness and intense pain will pass, I promise.

So. What to do now?

Well you don't mention finances or accommodation so if there's anything you need to sort here that comes next.

Cut any remaining ties to your ex.

TLC. This is a big one. Your appetite will come back but in the meantime you need to keep your body fuelled and energy up. Not doing so will affect your mood.

Apples, ginger, mint, plain foods...they're all good for grazing on when you feel sick. You don't have to eat that much, just try and keep your sugar levels stable. Sugar drops will make you feel worse and increase anxiety.

You know how you look after your child when they're unwell? That's how you need to look after yourself now.

You're not fucked up, love, I promise. You're not weak, you're not stupid or any other negative thought going through your head. And you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Focus on building a routine for you and your dc.

Reach out to your GP if you think you'd benefit from anti depressants, therapy or anxiety support. A good gp can also be great just for giving you someone to check in with on a regular basis.

Also get in touch with Womens Aid they can really help. Take a look through their website.

How do you feel about reaching out to an old friend or family member? They probably know your ex was behind the separation and will really welcome hearing from you. I'd be delighted to hear from a friend I care about.

Be proud of yourself, like your dc will be when they're old enough to understand. Leaving a bad relationship is hard. Leaving an abusive relationship is harder. You're doing so well. Stay strong and keep reaching out, we're behind you.

You're not alone.

Thank you so much, this really made me cry.

I live with my children, we didn’t live together thankfully but he was here on the nights my children were with their dad. They’re with him tonight and it’s hard not having them here to distract me.

Your kindness means the world to me, thank you.

@Xpologog

You will struggle with your feelings, but it’ll get better one day at a time. It’s natural to want to think of the good things, the good times you had. But the trouble is if you maximise these, make them bigger, more than they were —- and minimise the abuse. The abuse will always be there because he’s an abusive person. You said he never hit you as if that’s a redeeming characteristic — yet he still put your life in danger while you were driving. Ha worked to make you reliant in him —- cut you off from friends, I assume he stopped your SM? Make a list of all the abuse he did. And look at it each day. Try not to dwell on the what ifs. You’ll feel stronger as you get your life back.

Yes he did stop it.

I have written a list, thank you. Hard reading it and seeing that I invested so much in someone who really didn’t give a shit about me, but I’ll read it whenever I feel weak.

I’m in bed now, going to put Netflix on and have eaten two crumpets (plus a shit load of black coffee) and just try and deal with it a day at a time.

@Susu49 @me4real thank you both

Whenever you think about getting back with him, imagine how you would feel if someone did that to your child. You would go mental wouldn't you? Proper tiger mum.
That's how much you deserve to love yourself.

You've got this

I’m in bed now, going to put Netflix on and have eaten two crumpets (plus a shit load of black coffee) and just try and deal with it a day at a time

Good plan, that's all you need to do.

Please let us know how you're doing tomorrow

@Susu49

I’m in bed now, going to put Netflix on and have eaten two crumpets (plus a shit load of black coffee) and just try and deal with it a day at a time

Good plan, that's all you need to do.

Please let us know how you're doing tomorrow

I will, thank you x

@Susu49

You've done brilliantly to leave him again, being hurt and grieving doesn't mean you're not.

Lots of women go back after leaving the first time, you're not the only one to do so. The difference is now you are stronger.

I know you probably don't feel it, but we usually don't when we're being our strongest.

You're strong because you're doing this for your future and for your child. No one deserves to be abused, least of all you and your relationship with your ex was and is not worth the moments when he made you feel happy.

You deserve to be with someone who is worthy of you (your ex is not), who builds you up instead of tears you down.

The hurt and grief you feel is completely normal when ending a relationship. The sickness and intense pain will pass, I promise.

So. What to do now?

Well you don't mention finances or accommodation so if there's anything you need to sort here that comes next.

Cut any remaining ties to your ex.

TLC. This is a big one. Your appetite will come back but in the meantime you need to keep your body fuelled and energy up. Not doing so will affect your mood.

Apples, ginger, mint, plain foods...they're all good for grazing on when you feel sick. You don't have to eat that much, just try and keep your sugar levels stable. Sugar drops will make you feel worse and increase anxiety.

You know how you look after your child when they're unwell? That's how you need to look after yourself now.

You're not fucked up, love, I promise. You're not weak, you're not stupid or any other negative thought going through your head. And you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Focus on building a routine for you and your dc.

Reach out to your GP if you think you'd benefit from anti depressants, therapy or anxiety support. A good gp can also be great just for giving you someone to check in with on a regular basis.

Also get in touch with Womens Aid they can really help. Take a look through their website.

How do you feel about reaching out to an old friend or family member? They probably know your ex was behind the separation and will really welcome hearing from you. I'd be delighted to hear from a friend I care about.

Be proud of yourself, like your dc will be when they're old enough to understand. Leaving a bad relationship is hard. Leaving an abusive relationship is harder. You're doing so well. Stay strong and keep reaching out, we're behind you.

You're not alone.

THIS!! @Susu49 fab advice 👌❤️

Oh snd I should say @SophB15 , freedomprogramme.co.uk/ is great. Your local group might be doing all sorts of things via Zoom.

It helps you get your head around things and you could also make friends.

Thank you so much - I’ve just paid for the online course and will definitely look into the groups x

Hope you're doing ok today @SophB15

Thank you for checking in @Susu49

I’m feeling ok today, yesterday was hard but I kept busy and got into bed early to watch TV. Having my children here helped! I don’t feel anxious or panicky anymore, just sad. I’ve started working through the Freedom Program online too - I’m only doing a little bit at a time because it feels like being punched in the stomach, I can relate to so much on there.

That sounds positive @SophB15, there are going to be difficult days but you'll keep moving forward. Keep up the TLC and enjoy every moment with your children :)

Well done! You have taken the massive step of ending things. That's fantastic.

Of course you will miss the good times, but to keep your resolve in times when you're wavering, you could make a list of all the bad times and all the awful things he said to you...

You could also do the Freedom Programme or read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?' To find out more about the cycle of abuse and how to about it in future.

But most of all, take care of you. Surround yourself with friends - maybe reach out to friends you've lost touch with, explain the situation. Rebuild your life, taking one day at a time.

You deserve it! 💐

@springtimeishereagain

Well done! You have taken the massive step of ending things. That's fantastic.

Of course you will miss the good times, but to keep your resolve in times when you're wavering, you could make a list of all the bad times and all the awful things he said to you...

You could also do the Freedom Programme or read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?' To find out more about the cycle of abuse and how to about it in future.

But most of all, take care of you. Surround yourself with friends - maybe reach out to friends you've lost touch with, explain the situation. Rebuild your life, taking one day at a time.

You deserve it! 💐

Thank you for your lovely message! X

Leaving an abusive relationship was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done so the feelings you are experiencing are completely normal and it’s possible you may be trauma bonded as others have suggested.

I was trauma bonded to my ex for many years and like you, kept going back. I really thought I loved him but what I came to realise what that I loved the version of himself that he had created, not the actual person that he was. That person was a liar, a cheater and a fraud that simply wasn’t worth my love.

It’s tough because I have DC with my ex which he uses to maintain contact and will often play the care of just wanting to be a family. Despite being broken up for many years my ex will still on an at least monthly basis ask to reconcile despite being in relationships with other women, that to me demonstrates that he has no ability to change and I don’t want to become a victim of his again.

You’re doing the right thing by staying broken up with this guy, abusers abuse typically worsens over time and it becomes harder and harder to leave.

You are strong and you have got this.

Hope you're doing ok @SophB15