How did you know without evidence

[Iwantnodrama]

That your partner was messaging someone else. My boyfriends being abit more into his phone lately after always saying he doesn't like being on it etc. He's online and taking alot longer to reply. Everytime he's sat having a coffee he's on Facebook.

But I've got no more evidence. Yesterday as soon as I got to his he went on it and I felt like saying something. I asked him what he was up too and he just said something about looking at Facebook but said it in a tone of why you questioning me.

I just can't shake the feeling off. The other day he also told he could never cheat on me because he would never ever want to disappoint me and couldn't bare the thought. He continued saying I was his mate and he loved me so much.

I'm so confused. Something feels off

I think you can drive yourself crazy looking for clues and second guessing his actions.
Other than spending more time on, what other things are not sitting right with you?

We want through a rocky stage at Christmas and I remember him saying how much his ex spent her time on social media. He said he can't stand phones. He thinks I have mine in my hand too much etc. In the end I got up my time spent on Facebook and showed it was less than an hour a day. I never have it in my hand for longer than 2 minutes when I'm at his. I enjoy spending time with him. But this last week or so he's just always online. Takes longer to respond to messages. He used to message me as soon as he opened his eyes. Now he seems to be online but won't message for a while.

He said he'd call me in 2 minutes the other day. After 25 minutes I called and if said he was unavailable. He rang me straight back and said another number called him at the same time. He has been suddenly saying how much he loves me and randomly bringing up he'd never cheat etc. Random thing to state.
Yesterday his phone buzzed when we laid together. He said if it was a buzz for a message it clearly wasn't anything important. I went upstairs 10 minutes later to get something and he was straight on his phone.

He's just a little more lost in his phone this week. Maybe I'm paranoid.

He did have a history of messaging other women in his last relationship. But she was never interested in him and never home so he was lonely. She liked to travel and rarely did stuff with him in the end. I guess sometimes I get scared of him noticing someone else.

When we met we had a few months talking then a few months apart. He decided he needed time to be alone. It made sense at the time he was still moving on from his ex. He got in touch with me again 4 months later and said he hoped I wanted q relationship with him still as he had taken time to figure out what he was wanting and it was definitely me. I found out he had been talking to a woman he met online. She told me they met a few times then he told her he didn't want a relationship.

He has always been into me properly and openly tells family and friends what I mean etc. But there's always been a little mistrust I guess.

From what you have written I can see why you have your suspicions.
I would suggest just to sit back and observe for now.
If he is hiding another woman, he’ll just cover his tracks, if he has nothing to hide and is just addicted to his phone, which he could be, then you run the risk of upsetting him.
I suggest doing more things as a couple, date nights, going for walks, couples massage, spa days/ break and see how he reacts to this, if he makes excuses not too, then you may have a problem.

I disagree with PP.

I think you should just tell him straight.

''Something is 'off' about you now, and I want to know what it is. You are glued to your phone and constantly on SM, despite you saying you don't like it. So what's going on ?''

He'll get a shock that you've clearly noticed a change in his behaviour, and have called him on it, (but it will be clear that he's 'rumbled' if he IS messaging other women) or he'll be ready with an explanation.

Don't be afraid of calling 'bullshit' if he's full of 'indignation' because you've dared to 'question' him either, cos the 'indignation' is just a way to try to 'deflect' from HIS behaviour, by trying to 'blame' you for being 'controlling' or 'suspicious' etc

But she was never interested in him and never home so he was lonely.

I remember him saying how much his ex spent her time on social media.

These are important red flags. He's making himself out to be the victim and like he had 'no other choice' or 'did nothing wrong' by messaging other women while in a relationship. But obviously he was doing something wrong and he's not really taking responsibility for that.

You weren't present for his last relationship so you only know what he has told you about his ex's behaviour. Maybe she did go out a lot. Or maybe she didn't go out that much but he resented her every time she did. Maybe she wasn't very interested in him. Or maybe he feels ignored if his partner isn't hanging on his every word. Maybe she was on social media all the time, or maybe he was actually on social media just as much.

Either way, the healthy way for him to solve these issues would have been for him to tell his girlfriend he missed spending time together and wanted more nights together. Or to express that he feels she's not very interested in what he's saying sometimes. Or if she was really being a poor partner and out every night while ignoring him, the healthy thing for him to do would be to break up with her and look for someone better suited to him.

But what he did was get the hump and start cheating on her as payback for her perceived faults.

That's a major issue and probably part of why you're having bad gut feelings about this. The sudden declarations of 'never cheating' are also 'off' and you're right to feel suspicious about them. It's a classic technique of cheats to pre-empt suspicion by saying they would never cheat, as though words are truer than actions.

Like Maze, I would simply keep watching what he's doing, listening to your gut and trusting that your unease has a reason behind it.

It's also really important to be aware of double standards in your relationship. If he has told you he doesn't want you on social media a lot but is doing it himself, or if he gets antsy whenever you go out but expects to be able to disappear for days or weeks at a time with little explanation, or if he accuses you of ignoring him but actually does that to you a lot, this is a double standard. Double standards are used to control the behaviour of the other person in the relationship and are always unhealthy.

This is purely from my experience I don’t know how much you should absorb it yourself.
Me and my ex were always very open with our phones and would sit next to each other texting if a message popped up or watch TikTok’s together.
One day he got a Snapchat message and he flicked the notification away.
Instantly my Intuition kicked in, this isn’t adding up, sometimes off here. I’ve never seen him talk to anyone on Snapchat and he flicked the notification away very fast. This gut feeling stayed with me all day and into the night until I convinced myself to check. In the way Snapchat works you can’t see all the messages so I didn’t find anything…until I checked the camera roll. I saw he had taken a photo of himself meaning he had taken it in the app and sent it to someone. He admitted to it and didn’t lie about sending the photo and I forgave him, but it was the beginning of the end for us.

Your intuition telling you ‘something is off’ is a change of habits in him and/or things that seem weird like him randomly saying he loves you so much after being engaged in that other call?
Coupled with the points the other posters have made I’m feeling bad juju on him.

I haven’t been in many relationships in my life but the two where partners have cheated on me they had done it to someone else in the past. He’s messaged other women in the past so I wouldn’t put it past him. Maybe he feels the initial infatuation with you has worn off and he’s off chasing the next thing.
If I was you I’d very calmly and nicely tell him in a logical way all the things that makes you feel like ‘somethings off’ and if he’s a good boyfriend he would reassure you calmly and let you go through his phone. If he pops off then that’s a red flag no matter if he’s cheating or not

You very rarely get evidence or at least much of it. Its not as if you are suddenly going to find a clear trail of proof. So you have to work out whats most likely from what evidence you do have, what else you can easily find out if you do a little digging and how he responds to you re-establishing clear boundaries.

I think the fact that he told you he messaged other women while with a previous girlfriend is evidence that he is eroding your boundaries or testing you as to whether you will put up with that.

I know it gets said on here a lot, but really do trust your gut. It rarely lets you down.

Ask outright and if they are evasive, ask to look at the phone there and then. If there is nothing to hide, they won't hide the phone.

Don't accept any bullshit from them, as it can easily send you spiralling emotionally.

I've been in this situation very recently and trusted my gut, sadly, it wasn't wrong.