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Original poster

Is it normal to feel like this after ending a marriage?

14 replies

treasure47 · 06/03/2022 10:45

Original post here - Difficulty ending relationship, sexual incompatibility, grown apart www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4493666-difficulty-ending-relationship-sexual-incompatibility-grown-apart

After a chat last night I said I think we should end the relationship and move forward. The morning after I feel so sad and sick. It just feels awful and I feel so scared. Is this normal? I need to remember that we keep coming back to this same conversation so to try to stick with the decision. It also just feels a bit surreal, like has it actually happened?? Any advice/ similar stories?

😔😔

OP posts:
Original poster
treasure47 · 06/03/2022 10:58

I feel like I'm worried it's the wrong decision, but is that just fear?

OP posts:
gogohm · 06/03/2022 11:00

It's normal to feel sad, especially when some parts of the relationship do work. There are elements I miss about my ex h despite being very happy with dp, it's normal especially from long relationships

Original poster
treasure47 · 06/03/2022 11:46

@gogohm

It's normal to feel sad, especially when some parts of the relationship do work. There are elements I miss about my ex h despite being very happy with dp, it's normal especially from long relationships
Yeah it's so hard because I do love and care for him but not in that way anymore. There's too much of an imbalance between us and how we feel about each other. But we've been together for so long, the thought of not being with him is also so scary 😔
OP posts:
Theoscargoesto · 06/03/2022 12:08

It probably is fear. And regret. And sadness. And that is normal I think. I did not choose to end my marriage, but I felt all those things (plus anger). Any change takes time to come to terms with, even if it’s change you want and/or have instigated.

Just know it will be ok, because you will make it so.

caringcarer · 06/03/2022 13:12

My ex cheated, but Iade decision not to take him back. I felt sad and grieved losing my best friend and h of 21 years but knew there was no way back from his cheating and lying to me. I think it is normal to be sad and I spent a while grieving my loss before I could move on. Best decision I made though. Now married into wonderful thoughtful man. Feel far more loved and respected too. Don't be waste any more of your time going around in circles and always arriving back in SE place. Be brave.

TheOnlyAletheia · 06/03/2022 13:25

Yes it absolutely is. And in my experience, it goes on for a while. Particularly if the relationship isn’t horrible. It’s grief and processing the situation and I felt a lot of guilt for wanting something better and more meaningful than an “ok” relationship. I felt so guilty about everything.

Original poster
treasure47 · 06/03/2022 13:38

@Theoscargoesto

It probably is fear. And regret. And sadness. And that is normal I think. I did not choose to end my marriage, but I felt all those things (plus anger). Any change takes time to come to terms with, even if it’s change you want and/or have instigated.

Just know it will be ok, because you will make it so.

Thank you. I think I've been guilty in the past of dismissing unwanted feelings like sadness, but I'm realising I need to just feel them and almost "ride" it out.
OP posts:
Original poster
treasure47 · 06/03/2022 13:39

@caringcarer

My ex cheated, but Iade decision not to take him back. I felt sad and grieved losing my best friend and h of 21 years but knew there was no way back from his cheating and lying to me. I think it is normal to be sad and I spent a while grieving my loss before I could move on. Best decision I made though. Now married into wonderful thoughtful man. Feel far more loved and respected too. Don't be waste any more of your time going around in circles and always arriving back in SE place. Be brave.
I do need to be brave. I'm glad things worked out well for you in the end. I'm hoping this will also work out for the best for all of us eventually.
OP posts:
Original poster
treasure47 · 06/03/2022 13:41

@TheOnlyAletheia

Yes it absolutely is. And in my experience, it goes on for a while. Particularly if the relationship isn’t horrible. It’s grief and processing the situation and I felt a lot of guilt for wanting something better and more meaningful than an “ok” relationship. I felt so guilty about everything.
That's exactly how I feel, and have felt for a long time. Intense, consuming guilt. It feels really unnatural to put my own feelings above everyone else's, but actually I do think this is the kindest thing to do, even though it's hard to see it at the moment. Neither of us are happy, it's not fair on anyone.
OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 06/03/2022 14:16

I'm two years on and honestly? I'm still grieving and missing him even though he was abusive and a serial cheat. I know Im better off without him but I feel sad and lonely every single day, seeing him happy with his new family hurts me too.

Flowers to all those who have loved and lost

pointythings · 06/03/2022 18:48

It is completely normal. Ending a marriage is a huge step and it comes with so many feelings of guilt, sense of failure, grief, loss - even in cases where the other person cheated, or in my husband's case, was an alcoholic who was abusive to our DDs. The best thing to do is allow yourself to feel those feelings, accept them as a part of the transition to being single and be kind to yourself.

Theghostofchristmasarse · 06/03/2022 18:55

Absolutely, I ended mine, coming up to two years ago. I still miss us as it were, the really good bits, and felt so so guilty, even though in the end he thanked me for ending it as he didn't have the guts to. It's normal, I feel it less now, but also feel scared and worried about the future, and the affect its had on my kids. I know I'm better off emotionally, and I'm setting them a much better example, but still. I guess just recognise it for what it is, and give it time, one thing at a time. Something someone said to me was 'you can't eat a horse whole in one sitting' 🤣 silly but yeah, you can't, just do one thing at a time and let yourself grieve for the end of the relationship.

Original poster
treasure47 · 06/03/2022 19:25

Thanks for all your replies. Reassuring but also makes me realise this isn't going to be easy. I know it's going to get much harder than this too. My mum looked after DS for some of today (I didn't mention anything to her yet although she could tell I wasn't myself), and DH was out so had some time to myself in which I think I felt every emotion! Being around DS is tricky as DH is very obviously sad and down so I'm feeling like I have to try to act somewhat "normal" for DS' sake even though I feel really low too. I feel like I'm not really sure what comes next... I kind of think we need to sit with the decision for a little while, sort of let it sink in.

OP posts:
BestofLuck · 02/10/2025 08:00

Just wondered how you’re doing now @treasure47 . Wishing everyone well who was going through bad times as per the OP.

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