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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ghosted after 6 years.....

20 replies

Tiredandhungry23 · 06/03/2022 09:42

Please help me wrap my head around this. I know no one can provide me the answer but its really upsetting me. I had a really close friend, im talking I considered him like a big bro. I told him everything and vice versa. He would come over for the night here and there and we would go out quite abit. I told this guy very personal things about tramua and difficulties I went through because I trusted him so much and same for him.

Anyways, just before lockdown hit he randomly ghosted me. When I look back at the last conversation we had nothing mean was said or done it was simply that we was going to talk on the phone and he was out and would give me a call when he left. This is very usual for him as we would talk whilst he was on the way to/back from the gym. Except he never called...

So i messaged him thinking nothing of it and that he must of been out late. He didnt reply. I messaged again a couple days later to ask if he was okay. Nothing. Finally weeks went by and I realised for some reason I was being ignored. So I bit the bullet and sent him one long final message pouring my heart out to him saying if I had done anything to please at least tell me so I had the chance to apologise, I would respect if he didnt want to talk but I just needed to know why. It was so out of the blue.

Then I found out I was pregnant and had my first child. I was so so upset I couldnt tell him. I dont have many friends. But the few friends I do have are I am super close to and I cherish dearly. He works with kids and loves them and I know he would of loved my dc. I wish they could of met. During the past year i've had a horrible time and could of really used having him around not just to unload on but to enjoy his company.

There was only one time before when he disappeared on me like this and that was because he was with a very controlling partner who hated our friendship even though I was seeing someone and had him delete all female contacts from his life. After he left her he messaged me after a yr. There is no way he is back with her as years have passed since then and I know he was talking to someone before he ghosted me.... which makes me think that the same thing has happened but surely that is quite outlandish? They werent even official for her to dictate his friendships.

So anyways i blocked and deleted him as it really hurt to see him still there but being ignored. However recently I had to use my old phone and saw his contact and decided since it had been nearly two yrs maybe what ever the reason was that he ghosted me he got over. I sent him a very light no expectation message along the lines of "hey got my old phone back this is my new number im here if you want to chat". Again he was online but nothing.

It doesnt eat me up everyday but now and then i'll have a dream about him or see an old photo on my phone of us and it really hits hard. I guess it was the suddeness of it that I cant seem to get over. I just always wonder why. Was it me? Did i do something wrong? Surely I didnt we was have a normal conversation. It hurts because it shows clearly I only valued this friendship. He has quite a big social group unlike me.

Why do people ghost Sad

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 06/03/2022 09:53

I have a friend like this. I still consider him my friend, still have him on social media but I’ve deleted his number. We were very close- only platonic but we confided in each other a lot.
He started dating someone who felt uncomfortable with us being close so he deleted my details and blocked me on social media. A while later he got back in touch to say he couldn’t be my friend anymore as he had to put her first. It hurt a lot but I respected his decision, if this is the person for him then I can’t stand in his way.
Did you two ever have any romantic feelings for each other? Could he have felt more for you than you realise?
It could be that he’s met someone and is focussing on them or that he had strong feelings for you and it was too hard to be around you when it wasn’t reciprocated.

I’m sorry you’ve lost a friend, you’ve done everything you can to get the friendship back but sadly if he isn’t making the effort then I guess you’ll just need to leave it be.

Mmmmdanone · 06/03/2022 09:54

It hurts so much. Similar happened to me. I wish I knew why as I also thought everything was fine and it makes you question yourself so much. I could never do this to someone unless they had been absolutely horrible to me! I hadn't been horrible and it sounds like you hadn't either. No help but hopefully you get an answer.

wingscrow · 06/03/2022 09:57

Rather than sending messages why didn't you just pick up the phone or go and see your friend in person and ask him if he was OK?

Perfectly fine to do if you are worried about a close friend. I am starting to wonder if the ubiquitous use of text messaging and social media is stunting people's ability to communicate and making them lose all common sense...

For all you know he could have had an accident, be in hospital and had some traumatic event or simply needs some time off from socialising.

At least you would have had your explanation by now.

Then you 'block and delete' him basically preventing him from getting in touch...again why would you cut his ability to get back in touch with you if you are still missing the friendship?

People can choose to end friendship for all sorts of reasons and yes he should not have just disappeared on you like this but again playing the message game was never going to work. Try speaking to people directly next time.

OhMygodddd · 06/03/2022 10:00

This is why it’s harder for opposite sex friendships to work. You would be silly to sabotage a potential life long relationship, kids and marriage for a mate. A new potential is always going to come above you. This tends to hurt woman but I’ve found not so much men. I’ve heard men comment before that “jack don’t bother with them anymore since his found Lucy” but they don’t care about it nor have any strong feelings about it whereas women do tend to feel more strongly about it.

Tiredandhungry23 · 06/03/2022 10:06

@wingscrow I tried calling him he never picked up. I know he is well as I see him on social media. He is just very clearly ignoring me specifically and for that reason i feel its inappropriate to just show up at his house and bombard him.

@Hiddenvoice see if he actually explained himself to me I would completely understand and although it may hurt I could respect his honesty and move on with it. But we literally went from our every day normal chat to nothing. There is no hint or sign of what went wrong. I've looked at our past convos and there was nothing out of the ordinary there.

In terms of romance, when I got abit drunk I would get flirty with him. One time we got reallly drunk at a party and got left together and i vaguely remember dancing up on him. But i was SO drunk that night. However when im sober there isnt an ounce of romance between us. I had always thought it was a shame I never liked him because he was such a sweet gentle guy that always got taking advantage of. He just isnt my type like that. I even got off with his brother once so my friend is very much so in the friendzone. I do wonder if he maybe he felt something for me but if he did he never told me/made it obvious/ or act upon it. So it just makes me feel abit lile a biggot entertaining the idea that the reason why he left is because he liked me so much ...

OP posts:
Tiredandhungry23 · 06/03/2022 10:44

Im very tempted to ask a mutual friend about what is going on. Is this a bad idea? Im not doing it thinking it will lead to reconciling I just want to know why

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 06/03/2022 10:47

Let it go....

ColgateGirl · 06/03/2022 10:47

I think he's made his wants very clear by not getting in contact. It's a childish and immature way of doing it, I agree but he clearly doesn't want to continue your friendship.

Respect his wishes

LargeInCharge · 06/03/2022 10:54

I think he had romantic feelings for you, couldn’t express them and couldn’t deal with seeing you or admitting it so he just removed himself from the situation.

Tiredandhungry23 · 06/03/2022 10:54

Im not not respecting his wishes. I just want to find out why for my own sake to gain some closure and move on. Its easy to move on when you know why and your the one who pus the trigger. After so long being friends i deserve to know too

OP posts:
Lurking9to5 · 06/03/2022 10:55

.

Lurking9to5 · 06/03/2022 11:00

This is a guess, but I think maybe it's possible that you leant on him too much.

He didn't know how to change that dynamic, or to let you know that he wasn't getting much out of listening to your trauma.

I've my own traumas so I get it. Probably leant a bit too much on people over the years but I'd stop myself now.

Apologies if this isn't the case here.

I did once ghost a friend. She (Like me) had an abusive x and he was an emotionally abusive head wrecking grade A manipulator. I had over the years spent hours and hours geeing her up and making her believe in herself and then I found out she was still sleeping with this x. I didn't even have an immediate reaction to that discovery, but I think some cogs in my brain were moving slowly and one day I woke up and FELT rather than thought, omg how much time have I spent supporting her and uplifting her when she has run back to the poisoned well, willingly.

There was nothing new to say though, so I faded away. Everything I wanted to say, every ''explanation'' I'd already said it to be honest.

ColgateGirl · 06/03/2022 11:16

@Tiredandhungry23

Im not not respecting his wishes. I just want to find out why for my own sake to gain some closure and move on. Its easy to move on when you know why and your the one who pus the trigger. After so long being friends i deserve to know too
I get this, I really do. But instead of accepting the reality (after 2 years!) you're still trying to put your needs ahead of his.

Why does you need to know why trump his need to not speak to you?

If the genders were switched, the responses would be very different.

He's cut you off in a very immature and childish way but chasing him and demanding answers is also very immature.

AlternativePerspective · 06/03/2022 11:27

While I think that ghosting is cowardly, I really don’t understand this need to block and delete people just because they haven’t done what you asked.

You surely don’t have to block someone just because he didn’t contact you. Ghosting is childish, but so is blocking and deleting.

Frigginintheriggin · 06/03/2022 11:35

I have ghosted a same sex friend.
The gradual realisation that she was actually homophobic, racist and down right rude became a huge flashing beacon.
I had spoken up about her opinions and asked her not to offload them in my company but she was seriously rude to a friend of mine that in that moment I decided I was done.
I didn't feel the need to try and explain to her, she would have defended her right to think that way. So I blocked her.
It doesn't sound like that's your situation but it doesn't take away the right to end a friendship for whatever reason. Although if you were on good terms an explanation would have been nice.
But after 2 years, let it go.
Now you have a wee one you will find lots of opportunities to make some mum friends if you choose to.

KellsBells77 · 06/03/2022 11:35

@Tiredandhungry23

Im not not respecting his wishes. I just want to find out why for my own sake to gain some closure and move on. Its easy to move on when you know why and your the one who pus the trigger. After so long being friends i deserve to know too
He’s a twat OP.

No decent person just ghosts someone (especially so when you messaged him to see if things were ok). At the bare minimum you deserve a response. You are a considerate person, unfortunately there are others that ain’t which can be hard to comprehend for someone that is. It’s the reality of life I’m afraid.

Yes he was good for you (and you him) for a period, and that’s fine. We all have people that are there at a certain point but no longer are. He has shown he is simply not worth trying to keep in your life any longer. I’d let this one go.

All the best. xx.

cuddlymunchkin · 06/03/2022 11:46

It sounds like he chose to stop the friendship last time he got involved in a relationship - I know you’ve put the blame firmly on her but it seems more likely that he realised himself that his emotional energy had to be redirected and the friendship with you wasn’t working with this new dynamic.

It’s likely the new woman you mentioned he was chatting to has turned into a relationship and he has chosen again to stop this high intensity emotional connection with you.

You want to blame his partner. The fact is that HE has chosen to stop the friendship on both occasions.

CatFacedGirl · 06/03/2022 14:30

No answer IS your answer in this case sadly

It sounds like it was rather a complicated and overbearing friendship anyway. And you had a prior warning of the sort of friend he is ... he dumped you before when he found a partner. For the record, people who ditch long term friends because they get with someone romantically aren't worth bothering with anyway, they're just weak individuals.

It sounds like you were more invested into the friendship than he was. You honestly don't need to know exactly why he's done this - who actually cares what he thinks or why he behaves the way he does? Not you, because you're too busy getting on with your life and not treating friends badly aren't you?

Let this one go now and gather up your self esteem.

CatFacedGirl · 06/03/2022 14:32

@LargeInCharge yeah cos men up and down the country are just so renowned for being all coy and shy when they want things to progress sexually Hmm

CatFacedGirl · 06/03/2022 14:33

It's also really unfair to try and give OP some weird false hope that he's dumped her because he actually has all these feelings for her.

Pull the other one

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