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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ghosted and humiliated

26 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 06/03/2022 07:30

First relationship since a very crushing break up at the start of last year, met OLD. Been seeing each other for 4 months ish about twice a week
Had been going well (ish) I had some reservations about if I fancied him enough etc but a really nice decent man, or so I thought. Hes gone from lots of contact to hardly any. I sent a message asking for clarification which he has ignored. I'm not so worried about losing him , but I feel humiliated and embarrassed that I will now have to tell people again that something else has failed. It's just brought back the sting of my big relationship ending I think. Aggghhh

OP posts:

LawnFever · 06/03/2022 07:36

Take control of this in your own mind.

You weren’t sure if you really fancied him, sounds like you were trying to hope it’d work but you don’t sound overly keen or invested in him.

So he’s gone quiet, bin him off and give him no more thought, block him now so he can’t come grovelling back.

Tell people you’ve decided he wasn’t right for you, which if you take that action now you’re in control of.

girlmom21 · 06/03/2022 07:41

I agree. Dump him OP. He's not right for you. That will happen. Take control and hold your head up high.

Coffeeonmytoffee · 06/03/2022 07:44

He's an idiot. Block him and move on. He doesn't deserve you.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/03/2022 07:45

Thank you all, feeling a bit teary with the support. It's just hit a nerve and made me fly back to last year when I felt so so low and broken. Live the idea of taking charge of it in my own mind. Will work on that today xx

OP posts:

Whypaytherent · 06/03/2022 07:58

You don't "have to tell people that something else has failed". If you choose to discuss it with other poeple why not say something along the lines of "it wasn't working out/we were looking for different things. Be vague. Your choice of words though is telling OP.
I think your last break up is still fairly recent and you are still hurting. I have been there. You WILL heal. Promise

Knutface · 06/03/2022 08:05

Sorry you’re feeling low OP. I’ve been online dating for a few months and it’s been a bit of a failure, every time something goes wrong (incompatibility, ghosting) I get upset over the breakdown of my marriage which was a year and a half ago. I choose not to tell anyone about OLD apart from for safety reasons if I’m mee

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/03/2022 08:07

You are way over reacting here. You weren’t sure about him, he feels the same. It’s ended.

There’s no failure, it’s dating- a numbers game.

It’s not fair BTW to try and hold onto someone you aren’t bothered about as a trophy.

Knutface · 06/03/2022 08:07

ting someone new. I just know I wouldn’t want the upset of having to deal with other people as well. You might benefit from this approach.

AlisonDonut · 06/03/2022 08:10

I think if you aren't ready for the rough and tumble of OLD, give yourself a break from it.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/03/2022 08:14

@Luredbyapomegranate

You are way over reacting here. You weren’t sure about him, he feels the same. It’s ended.

There’s no failure, it’s dating- a numbers game.

It’s not fair BTW to try and hold onto someone you aren’t bothered about as a trophy.

Not at all what happened , I wasn't unfair to him at all. Also not over reacting, I feel like this so will tackle it sensibly.

OP posts:

Iamnotamermaid · 06/03/2022 08:14

It has not failed - you tried each other on for size and it was not a good fit so you have both moved on.

Being ignored & ghosted is rubbish but people can be a bit gutless these days at just saying, sorry this is not for me. It is a reflection on them, not you.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/03/2022 08:15

@AlisonDonut

I think if you aren't ready for the rough and tumble of OLD, give yourself a break from it.

Yes was thinking the same this morning. Time to regroup my strength a bit

OP posts:

PliqueAjour · 06/03/2022 08:15

Just tell your friends it fizzled out, because it did. No need to feel humiliated or embarrassed. You weren't really into him anyway we're you?

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/03/2022 08:15

@Knutface

Yeah I think it's part of the processing the big break up but can be very very hard!

OP posts:

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/03/2022 08:17

@Whypaytherent

You don't "have to tell people that something else has failed". If you choose to discuss it with other poeple why not say something along the lines of "it wasn't working out/we were looking for different things. Be vague. Your choice of words though is telling OP. I think your last break up is still fairly recent and you are still hurting. I have been there. You WILL heal. Promise

Thank you it is still raw , and I definitely have the feeling of wanting to get straight back on the horse so to speak but may need a bit more time

OP posts:

candycane222 · 06/03/2022 08:20

If you are pressed to elaborate, you could add that he seemed a bit gutless - (if only in hindsight!)

alwaysmovingforwards · 06/03/2022 08:49

It just fizzled out is all.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/03/2022 09:21

@alwaysmovingforwards

It just fizzled out is all.

Yes I think it's just brought up a load of other sad stuff for me

OP posts:

needingpeace · 06/03/2022 14:21

Your love life is nobody else’s business. You don’t have to say what happened. You Queen it. You don’t offer any info and if anyone asks you say “oh I wasn’t really into him. He was a nice guy but didn’t light my fire if you get my meaning” then big smile and walk away. The majority of people don’t tell other people the truth. You owe nobody. Remember “fake it till you make it”

2catsandhappy · 06/03/2022 17:27

If you must say anything, just say the literal truth. You have sent your last text. And maybe murmer something about looking for a bit more fire and fizz next time.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/03/2022 18:29

@needingpeace

Love this approach ! I definitely think fake it til you make it would help me for a bit

OP posts:

Elieza · 06/03/2022 19:10

I know exactly what it feels like, having had this done to me too.

I also wasn’t sure if he was for me or not so in some ways it’s a blessing but I’m also a bit hurt and sad because I deserved better treatment from him than ghosting.

But then I tell myself that he was pathetic if he couldn’t even speak to ne so he’s likely have not made a good partner, and that this frees me up to concentrate on finding a nicer guy.

I agree with the advice from needing leave totally.

Elieza · 06/03/2022 19:11

..post from Needing peace. Stupid auto correct!

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/03/2022 19:41

@Elieza

I know exactly what it feels like, having had this done to me too.

I also wasn’t sure if he was for me or not so in some ways it’s a blessing but I’m also a bit hurt and sad because I deserved better treatment from him than ghosting.

But then I tell myself that he was pathetic if he couldn’t even speak to ne so he’s likely have not made a good partner, and that this frees me up to concentrate on finding a nicer guy.

I agree with the advice from needing leave totally.

Yes it's the poor treatment isnt it? At least send a text saying "I'm just not feeling it/ am not in the right headspace " the sudden ignoring feels hurtful but also embarrassing for some reason

OP posts:

iwishu · 06/03/2022 19:52

Don't worry what people will say, you hadn't moved in together, it was early days, say it wasn't that serious and fizzled out if you don't want to explain. Unless it's close friends for support?

His treatment is terrible, it's likely he felt it was getting more serious and backed off, a lot of men are commitment phobes that rile at the thought of settling for one woman. There's a good chance he'll start to miss you and try and come back when he's discovered the grass wasn't any greener. Ignore him or tell him you've moved on, never go back to seeing him again, once you forgive this shitty behaviour he'll do it again. You'll be in your power not to chase or get involved again.

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