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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH says I never want to do anything

43 replies

veevee04 · 05/03/2022 23:13

I'm on a nursing placement I've been doing 48 hour week 12.5 hour long shifts to make up time, I'm absolutely knackered also have a neurological condition he works from home . I have 3 days off he's woke me up at 7am today to go out DD was happily snoozing and usually doesn't get up until 10am, I've gone ballistic we ended up going out in his kit car and for lunch in his favourite restaurant I thought he would shut up. Tomorrow he now wants to go collect a bike from Carlisle a 2 hour one way car journey then go cycling in the lakes , he wants to get up at 7am! I've said I just want to relax watch a bit of Netflix while DD plays out with her friends he's called me boring and said I never want to do anything. I'm afraid I'm not going to be properly recharged to go back to work !

OP posts:

LawnFever · 06/03/2022 13:40

You need a compromise, if my partner never wanted to do anything but sleep and watch tv every weekend I’d be irritated & bored too, but equally waking someone up at 7am unnecessarily at a weekend is ridiculous!

What balance can you come to? One day out getting up at a more reasonable time and one day relaxing (he can go out & do something if he wanted)?

Original poster

veevee04 · 06/03/2022 13:42

@OhMygodddd

I can see his point, what do you bring to the relationships if your always tired? What’s the point in working just to sit around watching Netflix and do nothing together.

Although I wouldn’t want to be woken at 7, 9 is much better

What do I bring ??? Hahha I do all the cooking meal prepping , buying groceries , cleaning , DDs homework and washing uniforms. I get up at 5am on my days I have to go to work

OP posts:

rumred · 06/03/2022 13:44

Why can't he do some stuff on his own? You're not joined at the hip and if you're knackered he needs to get on with things without you surely?

rumred · 06/03/2022 13:45

Woah just seen your last message. He can do some cleaning if he's bored at 7am. What's the betting he doesn't?
Op looks like you have a selfish man child problem to me

Original poster

veevee04 · 06/03/2022 13:46

I get up at 5am and don't get home until 8.45 pm it's very long days on my days in. I did end up going out we went to a castle and cafe but I've told OH that the day after I've finished work is a leisurely rest day lie in and catch up on chores. The following day can be up early and activities a day.

OP posts:

AlisonDonut · 06/03/2022 13:47

You do want to do something, which is have some downtime in between all the work work and wife work you are doing.

Crikeyalmighty · 06/03/2022 17:13

I’m afraid this is one of the things that WFH often tends to bring— especially if one if you gets out and the other doesn’t. The men WFH often feel a need to get out and about constantly on days off, the other person feels less of a need, wants a bit of chill time at home and usually has house stuff they need to slot in too. I can honestly say (others may have a different experience) I’ve never known a guy at the weekend bringing up that they must get 2 loads of washing in, clean the bathroom and do the food shop. Its as if chores vanish because they aren’t at work— good on those who have partners like this— I never have .

shinynewapple22 · 06/03/2022 17:27

Is your partner your DD's father? How long have you been in the relationship?

needingpeace · 06/03/2022 18:38

Why do you need to get up so early on a weekend though!!! You can do activities but mid morning 10 am or after lunch!! Say no. There’s no way in hell I’d get out of bed that early if I was getting up as early as you for work

RandomMess · 06/03/2022 18:45

Has he upped his domestic contribution since you started such a long and physically challenging shifts despite having a neurological condition that makes it harder for you than the average person?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 06/03/2022 18:46

Hahha I do all the cooking meal prepping , buying groceries , cleaning , DDs homework and washing uniforms.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He works from home? He can take over the cooking and the washing. Tell him that's the new set up as you've realised you are boring because you do all the boring household jobs. Time for some redistribution and then you'll have more energy for the weekend fun stuff!

Original poster

veevee04 · 06/03/2022 19:39

I've just told him to fuck off we finally got home at 6pm left at 7.45 am this morning ! I'm now in a mad dash as I need to sort dinner just purchased a kfc. DD has loads pages of homework to do and I need to wash her uniform. She needs to have a shower , help her dry her hair and get in bed for 8.15 pm. He is her father, I definitely don't think I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/03/2022 20:00

Why isn't he helping with her homework or do the laundry or helping with hair washing why is it all on you?

me4real · 06/03/2022 20:04

If you need to rest you need to rest and he should STFU for sure. He's being manipulative by calling you boring if you won't do what he wants.

He can still go and do what he feels like doing, after all.

It's not your job to entertain him.

me4real · 06/03/2022 20:09

You can't go on like this @veevee04 . It's not even the housework etc that's the main bulk of the problem. If you hadn't had a 12 hour shift effectively on your day off then the chores etc in the evening wouldn'tve been as hard.

Be firm and if you don't want to go along on the things he choses to do, things he wants to do for himself , then don't. Why should you have to go with him to pick up something he wants, a four hour round trip, let alone with many other hours on top? He's the one that's boring- picking up a bike for him FFS- what a fun day out for you.

Everyone gets knackered if they work your shifts, and especially if you have a condition/disability, you just can't do it.

LawnFever · 06/03/2022 20:52

@veevee04

Why after this long day is it your responsibility to sort the dinner/homework/hair washing etc??

As you say, he’s her father, why isn’t he responsible for any of these things?

SunflowerTed · 09/03/2022 11:42

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

That sounds abusive tbh. Waking you up unnecessarily when you clearly need to sleep is harming you deliberately

hahhaha ridiculous!

me4real · 12/03/2022 00:16

@SunflowerTed It's not an unknown thing for abusive men to do. Having their victim knackered means it's less likely she feels able to leave the situation, or even realizes what's going on.

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