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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I’ve got control issues within my relationship

2 replies

Lindsey124 · 05/03/2022 17:12

Hi this is going to be a long post but I just really wanted to see what your thoughts are. Please don’t be too harsh with me I’ve had ocd since I was 12 worrying about several different things and I’ve always had problems in my relationships due to insecurity and fear of abandonment so they only generally lasted a year or less. I’ve been in my current relationship for 6 years and I’m a mess. He gambles but it doesn’t affect me as we have separate finances and he pays half the bills but I don’t like it and have tried to stop him from doing it. The only things I don’t really like that he’s done is that as his friends all live 40 mins away that he stays at his mums or a mates when he goes out drinking so I get very wound up. His ex contacted me 2 months into our relationship saying she was still with him but she had no proof, he had me on his Facebook picture, I’d met his family and I was with him when she said she was so it couldn’t have been true but since then my trust issues have spiralled. Also at a do he was talking to a girl there he knew and she hugged him i told him I wasn’t happy about it and watched her all night and when I’d been outside I then walked in and they were talking and she walked off. I asked what was going on and he said she said I’d been giving her evils all night. I’m destroying the relationship and his patience now is almost none existent. I just feel like I can’t let go and trust, I text his dad to make sure he’s there after a night out, I sniff his clothes, demanded to see his phone a lot of times and the only thing there was was a message from a girl he used to know but he hadn’t replied and blocked her as he said he didn’t need the hassle, I monitor what time he comes home and check up on him by ringing him and I also interrogate him about things. I hate who I have become and I don’t have a life anymore. I’ve stopped seeing friends, I feel like my personality has gone but I can’t stop my jealousy and suspiciousness and I can’t seem to let my guard down as I desperately don’t want to get hurt and be made a fool of but I really need to change and I don’t want to live this way and make him feel this way. I’ve said sorry and that I want to change and applied for cbt again but I feel so anxious and afraid. Anyone got anything they can suggest? Please be kind.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/03/2022 17:23

It's good that you can see he's literally done nothing wrong and that the problem lies with you.

How long is the waiting list for CBT?

I'll be honest, I would've left a relationship like this years ago if a guy tried to control me in this way.

Lindsey124 · 05/03/2022 17:39

I made the doctor refer me to a psychologist and I’ve seen her now so I don’t think it’ll be much longer. I know I do feel awful and I do want to get better so badly and make it up to him. I know and to be completely honest I probably would too I hate myself for it.

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