Feeling Unattractive

[weekenderworker]

I'm getting to the point where I am going to give up online dating.

I am in my early 50s, slim, told I don't look my age. I look OK with makeup on, used to be told I was pretty when I was younger.

Every time I go on dates with men I like it is not reciprocated. Over the last 8 or so years the longest I've dated anyone is a couple of months and then I was dumped.

I don't know if this is typical online dating behaviour but it's making me feel unattractive. I don't think I am doing anything wrong - i.e can be on my own for long periods of time so not desperate for a relationship, I have boundaries, texting is equal etc. Maybe the men I like are out of my league?

Is this just me or does anyone else feel like this?

Maybe the men I like are out of my league?

What sort of men do you like, and why do you think they might be out of your league? Presumably they wouldn't have gone on a date if they'd thought you were 'beneath' them in some way.

I don't think it's you, OP. I think it's just the OLD scene with women getting messed about by men who create impossible ideals in their head.

I like men who are tall and have hair and are fairly intelligent. I suppose if they are quite good looking they can get younger and sexier dates.

It depends what they want, I suppose, but it would be naive to suggest that men tend to value youth on the dating scene.

I think you have to strike a balance between the physical type you want, and the personality you want. There's no point settling for someone where there's no physical attraction whatsoever, but perhaps give someone who might not be your ideal the chance to 'grow' on you, if everything else is right. Your 'type' isn't always reliable - you might find yourself unexpectedly attracted to a shorter or bald man if you give him a chance. I once developed an insane crush on a bald man at work who was not at all my 'type'.

Sorry, I meant it would be naive to suggest they don't value youth.

You're assuming it's about looks, when maybe you're just not compatible with them. I'd carry on as you are and it's just a question of the right man. You might want to consider going on dates with slightly younger men as well?

I know how you feel OP. I either like them but they’re not interested, or they like me and I’m not interested. It’s like never the twain shall meet.

I just see OLD as an introduction agency. Just like people IRL pass through your life, sometimes fleetingly, never to be seen again (chatting to people in a queue), sometimes friendships form (from joining a new hobby group), sometimes something more forms from any one of those interactions. Sometimes it doesn’t.

You wouldn’t expect “a relationship” to develop with every single one of these people IRL and it’s no different through OLD (even if that’s what you’re looking for).

It’s just everybody’s looking for that elusive connection (and plenty more wide-boys and time-wasters) but there’s more focus (I think) to find that connection “just because you matched”.

A little embarrassing anecdote: I was at my yoga class on Thursday and we were concentrating on heart/chest and hip openers. I felt really emotional during this class and ended up bursting into tears. Private chat with the teacher afterwards and I “confessed” that doing all that had just brought home how invisible and unlovable I’m feeling at the moment and everybody seems to have “a somebody”. Today, I got my period. So that explains that then.

@DatingDinosaur - Bless you!

@Jamoffmytoast - Some of my dates have been with slightly younger men.

Your feelings are not unusual. They appeal to me!

Whilst I agree there are a lot of men who do value youth , these are precisely the types you want to weed out anyway.
They do you a favour by showing what they value in women
I wouldn’t focus on this , you’ll find the right guy . It’s a numbers game . Not all men are shallow.

and before some man feels the need to jump in and say valuing youth isn’t shallow yes it absolutely is
its not the same as preferring a tall woman or a short woman or any other attribute.
its about devaluing women to a short period of their lives that they are young and seeing their value as depreciating like they are a commodity

Attractive older men are even more into themselves than younger ones because good looks become even rarer as you grow older and they would have had a life time of validation + experience with women + confidence from realising 'fuck it you only live once'.

Try dating less physically attractive men, they might make you feel more attractive. Certainly won't be fighting you for the mirror.