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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Drug problems

21 replies

LawnFever · 05/03/2022 10:09

My ‘D’H has got a drug problem, it’s snowballing and I can’t deal with it anymore.

This week he’s lied so he could go somewhere on his own and take drugs, he’s got to the point where he’d rather sit on his own and do that than participate in our life.

He’s promised time & again he’ll stop, he won’t try and get help and there’s nothing I can do.

I’m done, I’m now sat here on my own while he’s just in a state.

Last night he was crashing around at 3/4am, I’ve had no sleep.

We have no dc, we were supposed to be looking at adoption after failed IVF but there’s no way I can even look a social worker in the eye and say this is a situation a child should be in.

He’s taken away my last chance of being a mother with this selfish shit.

He’s got a good job, friends, we have a nice house, he’s throwing it all away. I’ve got a good job, people would be shocked this is happening, I’m embarrassed.

People would be utterly shocked to see the state of him, when he’s sober you’d never know. People probably won’t believe me, because to see him day to day he hides it.

Don’t even know what I want or expect anybody to say except I need to get out and move on, I don’t want this to be my life

OP posts:

TacoCats · 05/03/2022 10:13

Leave. Adopt on your own it's not to late.

Vapeyvapevape · 05/03/2022 10:16

You need to make proper plans to split up. You can't help him and unless he helps himself , this will be your life forever.
You can adopt on your own .

daybyday247 · 05/03/2022 10:22

If he's not abusive I would set an ultimatum that he seeks help or you split.
If he doesn't agree then you need to leave or he will drag you down with him.
Also if you have joint finances monitor them incase he is building up debts your unaware of.

Original poster

LawnFever · 05/03/2022 10:44

@daybyday247

If he's not abusive I would set an ultimatum that he seeks help or you split. If he doesn't agree then you need to leave or he will drag you down with him. Also if you have joint finances monitor them incase he is building up debts your unaware of.

Thing is the minute he gets help, which he needs it’s on his medical records and we can’t adopt together, I don’t even want to consider an adopted child should be put in this situation, he’s a fucking liability.

So, yes he needs help and I want him to get help but if I stay with him I’m giving up that chance.

So no matter what I have to walk away from this, it’s an absolutely no win situation.

And I don’t think I can trust him fully again after all this, he lied last time and said he’d got rid of everything he wouldn’t do it anymore and yet here we are, it’s broken me down.

OP posts:

TheWomandestroyed · 05/03/2022 11:10

What kind of drugs is he taking?

CremeEggThief · 05/03/2022 11:13

He hasn't taken away your last chance of being a mother though. That's up to you to decide what you can do about that.

Make the choices that you want for your life.

Original poster

LawnFever · 05/03/2022 11:21

@TheWomandestroyed

What kind of drugs is he taking?

Speed/amphetamines, in the past he’s done coke but more at a party not just on a Wednesday afternoon.

And he’s as bad on alcohol, he doesn’t drink all the time but when he does he doesn’t stop, will still be up drinking the next day, not slept and has taken the car out. I almost reported him for drink driving last time, I should’ve done, he could kill someone.

It’s all such a mess, I can’t do anything to make him stop it’s so destructive, I just need to leave/sell the house.

OP posts:

fabricstash · 05/03/2022 11:25

I know someone who adopted on their own. They had their parents support which helped but she has had no regrets

CadvanTheBard · 05/03/2022 11:32

Get him to go to NA. That won't be recorded. Maybe you should think about codependent AA.

You can't fix him, you can't gave what you want with him, you can't make him change. If you want to stay with him then you need to fully give up the idea of bringing a child into this situation. Recovery won't be a simple 2 step linear process. So stay with him and give up on the idea of dc and don't hold any resentment towards him as you're making that choice. Or leave him and adopt on your own. Do what you want when you want.

gogohm · 05/03/2022 11:35

Leave him. Contact social services and ask about long term fostering - it's normally children over 5, sometimes siblings, but unlike adoption they do offer financial support so as a single person it's more feasible. My friend has one who is now on a special guardianship and another who is short term officially but likely to be long term, the council supports her pretty well with sitters when needed so she can work too

FurPunt · 05/03/2022 12:14

Sounds awful to live like this OP. I’d just get out. There’s clearly no point in giving him yet another chance. Don’t waste any more of your time. Start again, look to the future. Try to think of it as freedom. When you’re in it, you can feel so tense and frozen from the drama, it’s harder to make your move. But peace and freedom from all this distress are possible.

pointythings · 05/03/2022 19:49

Fundamentally your husband is an addict. The substance is irrelevant. You need to leave, and in order to be able to do that, you need to seek support. The secrecy of living with an addict is horrendous. You feel incredibly alone - but you aren't. Seek out a support group in your area. You may find this link helpful.

Getting support from people who have actually walked in your shoes will give you the strength to detach from this relationship and live the life you deserve.

ExofanAddict · 05/03/2022 19:54

I just wanted to pop by and say I’ve been in your situation if you want to chat. I was with my ex and we had his child regularly and we’re hoping to move house and have our own child when I found out. I stood by him for two rehab stints but it almost ruined me.

I’m now back at my parents and I hate to think I’ll never find someone and have kids now but it is a possibility. But I am much happier not walking on eggshells and having my own money and freedom.

And you’re right. No child needs this. I protected my stepchild as much as I could.

If you need to talk please message me.

pheonixrebirth · 05/03/2022 20:12

Get out and crack on with your life and fulfilling your dream of being a mum.

Life with him will always be a hamster wheel of lying, omitting, broken promises, money problems and resentment.

And when I say resentment, I mean from both sides, from you because him doing drugs and from him for you making him stop.

I've been there and it was exhausting, constantly being on guard looking out for signs, checking his pockets, how much money he had taken out of the bank cos you know the amounts that are drug related. My ex had multiple cocaine induced fits and still wouldn't stop.

I never stopped loving him, worse than that I completely stopped having any respect for him.
I made the decision to leave him because I could never see a life with him where I could depend on him for anything but make shitty, crap decisions.

Being the only adult in a relationship is draining. Do not waste anymore time on this. You get one life -ONE.

jelly79 · 05/03/2022 20:26

How old are you OP?

I'm so sorry you are going through this but sounds like your options may be much better without him x

Itstimetoquit · 05/03/2022 22:50

I've been through this,leave him it only gets worse x

IsabelHerna · 09/03/2022 17:55

Get support, be strong, leave and adopt or go through IVF alone. love, hugs and support to you, I'm here for anything you might need, even if it's just to vent to someone. Trust me, talking to someone (or even putting things down in writing) helps you, it clears the haze in your mind. As for people... I'm tired of thinking of them, if they "cant believe it" they should come and stay with him instead of you... Judging from a safe distance is so easy!

ExofanAddict · 09/03/2022 18:41

@IsabelHerna you are so right about other people. Some people I knew thought I could get over it once he got clean (for now). I wish they’d had to live through what I did and see if they’d find going back that easy!

IsabelHerna · 12/03/2022 19:24

@ExofanAddict that's right, they try to give 'advice' too... it took me time after leaving him to heal and finally decide to go on with IVF, but some people thought it would be better for the child to have a father even if it was him... people don't understand that feelings and trauma do not work with a switch, turning it on and off whenever we wish!

ExofanAddict · 12/03/2022 19:32

@IsabelHerna did you just pay for IVF and do it alone? It’s the main thing I worry he has taken away from me cause I don’t know if I can settle again!

IsabelHerna · 13/03/2022 18:32

@ExofanAddict yes, I'm paying for IVF, and doing it alone. This was the reason why it took me MONTHS of searching and contacting clinics until I found the one. Others do not understand, but I feel that this clinic will be my partner in all of this, and I am not just another patient/client for them. I have developed a system of checking the clinics and the doctors if you're interested, let me know, would hate to see all this hard work to go to waste just on me. 😅

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