Do you understand this view, All relationships are controlling

[Updownup]

This was said recently by someone in a long term relationship. I couldn't quite get their thinking, I think it was about having to do things or not do things in a relationship because the other person wants you to rather than based on your own judgement.

Probably need a bit more context. Boundaries are very important in life and this is often a complex area in relationships

Example he gave was the rule that you mustn't have sex with anyone else. But I would have thought that was less a rule and more that people in a relationship don't want to have sex with others.

I remember with my exH not agreeing to him going on a holiday with friends. It was an expensive holiday and he has not long before that said we couldn't afford to do a similar holiday together (from savings). I know at the time his friends thought he was "under the thumb".

I do agree with the statement. I guess there are some ‘controlling’ aspects we consider reasonable like not sleeping with other people. Generally acceptable ‘control’ is reciprocal and agreed in advance openly.

@Updownup

Example he gave was the rule that you mustn't have sex with anyone else. But I would have thought that was less a rule and more that people in a relationship don't want to have sex with others.

I remember with my exH not agreeing to him going on a holiday with friends. It was an expensive holiday and he has not long before that said we couldn't afford to do a similar holiday together (from savings). I know at the time his friends thought he was "under the thumb".

I wouldn’t see That as control but as mutual agreement/understanding. After all, not all relationships are monogamous!

Yes, I can I understand it.
Relationships need some compromise from both people, which at times, means not doing exactly as you like, or putting in a bit more effort than you want to.

Not necessarily controlling, but a long term relationship requires compromise on both sides for it to work. The main difference is that you both choose to compromise for the partnership to work. No one party holds the power, so not controlling or being controlled, just mutual compromise.

Being in a relationship is like playing a team sport. If you're in the centre of defence, then you can't just push forward and attack whenever you feel like it, or you'll mess up your team's game plan. Of course, that also relies on the other players doing their part. If the strikers are always hanging around their own penalty area and getting in your way, then that's no good either. In a team game, and a relationship, you need cooperation and willingness to work together.

If you want to play the game however you like, without having to consider other team members, then an individual sport is for you (not being in a relationship).

Yes mutual compromise isn't control. I thought control was an odd way to view it.

It requires self control to make it work, and anyone with a sense of worth will rightly remind you of that if you overstep the mark, just as you would remind them.

God, I sound battle weary.

My Mr gives the line "still single are you?" When he gets the "oh got to go home now to her indoors" if he swings by the pub in way home.

It's not control if it's where you want to be.

And yes if he said he was stopping for a couple and stayed out all night, came home a mess and was (unplanned) useless the following day I would hit the roof. Planned nights where you take into account useless Mr the following day are a different matter.

Example he gave was the rule that you mustn't have sex with anyone else.

that's a man who wants to have his cake and eat it. He hasn't really grown up.

Someone does not understand the difference between control and reasonable compromise/agreement.

Monogamy/exclusivity generally comes about because so many ppl do not want their partner having sex with others; as much or more than they want sex with others. So they "sacrifice" sex with others to gain the same from their partner. Its also the case that in love couples who are bonded don't want to anyway.

(Cheaters of course, make the bargain and them break it behind their partner's back).

That's not control, that's compromise/mutually agreeable/acceptable arrangement.

And men hsve always been v keen on that to make sure their children are, in fact, theirs.

Is doubt the intellect and general reasoning of someone with the above mentality.

Example he gave was the rule that you mustn't have sex with anyone else.

So he should have a polygamous relationship. Presuming this lack of control goes both ways, right .

that's a man who wants to have his cake and eat it. He hasn't really grown up.
That was my thought - the grown up bit.

He isn't stupid though so I thought maybe I was missing the point or was too narrow-minded.

It seems to be that compromise is being confused with control. Unfortunately some people are unable/unwilling to compromise and so therefore will see it as the other partner being controlling.

Even with sleeping with other people, there are someone people who are happy to do this in a relationship. So it is about finding the right person who wants the same thing as you.

If the compromise feels like control maybe it's a sign of incompatibility/too much compromise. Or simply an unrealistic idea of relationships.

Really growing up doesn't have very much to do with being bright or not at all imo!