Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

When is enough? Rejected and down

21 replies

Mumto4crazies · 04/03/2022 21:05

I've been with my partner for 18 years we have 4 beautiful kids. my world has been all about them I've neglected myself and the relationship. I suffered very badly with depression and have recently come off my medication and found that my mojo has returned and am trying everything to bring back the intimacy and fun into our relationship. I've tried the sexy underwear the things that use to.work but he's not interested.

At every point he shuns me with excuses for everything oh we can't do xyz without the kids and as for sex or even any physical touch I get the it's not you it's me line there is no arousal and anytime we've discussed trying viagra he promises the world bit surprisingly there's always something else that happens. It feels like he is disgusted with the idea of being intimate with me.

I've tried talking to him about it but he always turns it on me. If I try to spoon I rest my hand on the waistband and its a get the f#$k off its always about sex with you I've explained its not I just want to be held cuddled hell even holding my hand to feel close would be enough.

I'm trying to remind him that it was us long before the kids came along. It feels like I'm a scivvy and that's all I'm good for.

I honestly don't know what to do. Do I stay unhappy for the sake of the kids or do I grow a set and lay it bare sort yourself out or I'm done.

I get that relationships sometimes hit a rough patch and it takes both of us and time to sort it out but 4 years with nothing is just too much.

What would you do??

OP posts:

Fatgalslim · 04/03/2022 21:22

He tells you to get the fuck off him? He doesn't like you very much does he?

underum · 04/03/2022 21:28

You deserve some affection. When you talked to him did he understand you properly? He sounds a bit nasty to me.

Jk24 · 04/03/2022 21:29

@Fatgalslim what an awful post... op this needs to be raised as a whole conversation and not just about sex. Is there anything else going on? Is do going through anything? How is the relationship otherwise?

inheritancetrack · 04/03/2022 21:30

He doesn't like or fancy you. In my book that's enough for me to dump him and find some else

Lollypop701 · 04/03/2022 21:35

You want intimacy to return now you are ready… how long has it been? he has switched off as it wasn’t on the agenda? Have you spoken to him, what has started this? You need to communicate with him. Hope it works out op

Original poster

Mumto4crazies · 04/03/2022 21:39

We have talked about it and his reasoning is he's lost his mojo. I get it I really do!! God knows I've been there.

There is an age gap of 18 years between us and I feel that this is also part of the issue. He doesn't like talking about the relationship or lack off one. To him it's not broken so doesn't need fixed.

OP posts:

Jk24 · 04/03/2022 21:41

Is dp 18 years older op? If so are we talking 50s, 60s?

Sonaftersonafterson · 04/03/2022 21:43

Good lord. He tells you to get the fuck off him?! How hurtful. No wonder you feel so low.

Firstly, no, for God's sake, dont let this be your life. It's not fair. Secondly, get to the bottom of this, issue an ultimatum. Is it him? Erection problems? If so, he may be feeling very defensive and therefore lashes out at you but this is no good. If it is erectile dysfunction it can be treated and you dont have to live like this. If it isn't that, and he just doesn't fancy you anymore, as difficult as that may be, you'll be happier away from him. I feel so sad for you. Dont let this continue, you deserve love. We all do xxxx

HollowTalk · 04/03/2022 21:46

If he is telling you to fuck off then the relationship really has broken down. Is he older than you then?

needingpeace · 04/03/2022 21:58

You can’t live your life like this. You deserve some love and attention. You get one life. 4 years with nothing!! How old are you?

Original poster

Mumto4crazies · 04/03/2022 22:07

Yes he's 52

OP posts:

Supersimkin2 · 04/03/2022 22:09

He’s probably impotent and blaming you.

Lurking9to5 · 04/03/2022 22:13

Sounds miserable. Sounds like sex is the least of the issues here. He is just blaming you, shutting you out, being extremely rude ''fuck off'' wow.

You can split up. It's always hard to begin with but you'd be free.
There's nothing lonelier than somebody who hates you in the bed beside you. An empty bed is not lonely.

Lurking9to5 · 04/03/2022 22:15

So did you get together when you were 16 and he was 34? or is my maths worse than my comprehension!

Jk24 · 04/03/2022 23:59

At 34 op youre so young and should be in your prime. Also questioning the 16 and 34 when you got together?

Derelicthome · 05/03/2022 01:44

Maybe after being unwell he sees you as fragile and therefore not very attractive. But you can’t just reassure him you are better through words. You need to prove it and that comes with time.
I’ve read that to make yourself desirable is to make yourself a mystery. It’s worked for me in the past.
Don’t announce what you are up to, give him space to wonder that for himself.
If you split up you’ll need to focus on making yourself happy. But that can start now but it’s potentially easier prior to splitting as you have someone to look after the kids whilst you take yourself out for a massage etc, and you also have the extra income.

Original poster

Mumto4crazies · 05/03/2022 08:34

At the time we got together age didn't matter. We worked together and fell in love.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumto4crazies · 05/03/2022 08:37

Girls thank you all for replying to my post. I have food for thought. I'm going to give it some more time before an ultimatum. I really need to put myself first and start with self care. My kids are my life but at 34 I need to discover myself again. Thank you all xx

OP posts:

MintJulia · 05/03/2022 08:43

52 is no reason to have lost his libido. Is he obese? High blood pressure? Or maybe he turned to porn while you were ill.

His vehemence sounds defensive. I'd guess he is impotent.

user1471457751 · 05/03/2022 12:58

Honestly it sounds like you denied him intimacy when you weren't up for it but now you are, you just expect him to go along with it.

And actually, I don't blame him for telling you to get the fuck off. I'm surprised at the response from other posters. If this was a woman who said no to sex but then had her husband put his hand on her underwear, she would be told to ltb. You can cuddle him without sticking your hands on his underwear

Aniita · 05/03/2022 13:41

How has your depression affected him? It's very hard living with someone with depression and you say yours is severe, albeit you are feeling much better.

I know it can feel harsh, but if he has spent a good chunk of time supporting you and feeling rejected whilst you were low, it can be very difficult to switch that off and back into a sexual relationship now you are feeling better.

Flip