I work in a corporate job where I manage a team of 20 young people who are mostly female. They are aged from 21-29 (I am 43.) I report into two very senior men who are 50ish and constantly working away. We are all part of the same team, but the day to day management of the team of 20 is left up to me.
The team have had many problems relating to covid, lockdown and mental health. It’s been very hard to keep them working as a team while we were all away and hard to get them back in the office. I have certainly put in a disproportionate amount of hours offering emotional support, using whatever clout I have to persuade the company to offer them help. 3 of them have very active eating disorders which they have confided in me about and the others are frequently feeling insecure about their jobs and the approval of the senior managers (for which I act as an intermediary and giving them credit where it’s due.) as probably expected I have been nicknamed the mother hen/ mummy of the team who takes care of everyone. One of the things they all requested was that we have the budget to do more social events as a team and to “let off steam” as it is an intense job. So I have arranged and paid for (out of my budget) a series of events to keep team morale up. This is on top of my actual job which is needing to be commercial and make a certain amount of money for the company, keep bosses happy, plus my home life with DC.
Last week was one of the socials I arranged. There have been several like this already and they always go the same way. The senior managers made sure they came because I insisted it was important for team morale. I walked into the venue about 15mins after it started, and most of my team completely blanked me except my bosses. There was no room at the table so I had to stand awkwardly while the waiters got me another chair from a different room and then was placed at the end. I tried to be part of conversations but I constantly got cut out. Even when I was in conversations I was being “talked across” with no eye contact. I tried to engage a few times and got drowned out.
As everybody got more drunk it became even more impossible. I looked across and one of the three (with a severe eating disorder) was sitting on one of the senior managers’ laps and sipping from his drink. I went to the loo and there were a group of them in there in front of the mirrors who fell silent when I came in and started giving each other looks. I ended up leaving early and no one noticed.
The next morning the one on the lap of my boss appeared at my door in tears. She had got too drunk and she had tried to kiss him and he had rebuffed her and now he was being “off” with her in the office and she was feeling insecure and it was triggering her again etc.
I felt quite pissed off and started giving her (and the others) less time, but that made things worse and they became more “triggered” that their mother figure / mentor / whatever they are calling me was now unavailable.
I resent being in this position. When I was coming up the career ladder I believe that I acknowledged those who helped me and was inclusive and worked hard. I am at a loss that everything I have done has fallen on deaf ears.
I went to visit my senior manager and told him about the conversation I had, had. His ego had obviously been stroked, and he told me to just leave it, it’s fine, it’ll calm down, don’t make a big deal and she’s quite a good employee anyway, she had told him about some of her work and he didn’t realise she had done that project (a lie!)
I’ve been playing around with what I will say and to who. What would you suggest as the best way forward and the best way to frame these conversations. I hate being cold with people I have nurtured but I do not think they are showing the same loyalty to me. How would you address it?