A psychological one about what relationship counselling is unearthing.

[Zoomtothemoo]

DH and I having relationship counselling. Some of our issues have stemmed from inlaws interferring in the past. I believe that DH, SIL and ILs were extremely enmeshed when we started dating, SIL still is, but DH has improved a lot.

Then, after looking at our attachment styles and taking an assessment, it shows that DHs style has been caused by emotional neglect in early childhood. This makes sense as his parents ran several businesses and were always busy. I'm always told stories about what a "good baby" he was, how he was "no trouble" and I suspected this was due to unmet needs. Even now, he is a closed book to his parents, never states his needs, struggles to erect healthy boundaries.

Has anyone come across this before? A history of parental emotional neglect, but with family enmeshment between parents and adult children?
I can't decide if this is contradictive or actually makes sense!

This sounds familiar to me. I would describe my family as enmeshed. My parents were also very busy during our childhoods. We had to be 'good' and fit with the family ethos in order to get affection/attention. It didn't really feel like there was the option to separate from the family - you had to stay close in order to get approval. Like your DH, I don't think my parents ever 'got' me and I would find it very hard to tell them what I need.

I would say this is spot on for him too @rotherweird
"It didn't really feel like there was the option to separate from the family - you had to stay close in order to get approval."

Are you still enmeshed now?

Much less than I was! I have done a lot of work in therapy which has really helped.

My parents tend not to interfere, it's more than I had internalised their values. So for me it's about having the courage to be myself and do things that I think/know they would disapprove of (even though they wouldn't necessarily say anything). It's incredible how deep it goes, e.g. my parents often appear in my dreams.....

I think the way it works is that children need approval. If, to get that approval, they need to be good, and good means not needy, or time consuming, (or in my case not ‘difficult’), they learn to be ‘good’ on the parents’ terms. Those lessons are learned really early on, and become a person’s script, if you like. And to some extent of course it’s normal to want to please our parents, even if they are dysfunctional or neglectful. No doubt the parents were doing their best, providing for the children and it may not be their fault that they didn’t recognise their sons needs and meet them at an appropriate time.

Can you tell this has come up in my own therapy? I recognise the need as an adult to please my parents which comes from my childhood, so I think what your DH is experiencing is not uncommon. It sounds like he is in a good place to learn about his family and do things differently if he so chooses. I wish you both well in that because I know it’s hard to abandon those scripts (not least because they have had benefits as well as disadvantages over the years).

Thank you, it's helpful to hear from people who have also experienced this themselves.

I'd say he absolutely seeks their approval. I'd go as far to say that because MIL doesn't approve of me, or hasn't in the past, it has possibly sabotaged his feelings for me too. It's very complex. I'm glad we're getting help.

Hi. My DH sounds very like yours. He’ll do anything for his family - put them first and us second. He also came from “benign neglect “ - busy parents who came and went. It’s not easy. I sympathise because even when his family are clearly a negative influence he’ll fall in. Good luck - at least he’s in therapy.