Married and struggling with my sexuality

[sanjunipero22]

I'll try and keep this brief but it's not necessarily an easy thing to shorten.

Been married to my H 4 years now and have 1 toddler age DC. When we met everything was great, very in love etc (obviously why we got married), we were going through a bit of a rough patch a few months before found out I was pregnant but by that time things had settled and I was feeling positive about the future. I've always known I'm bisexual for context - "came out" to my mum when I was 14 (so a long time ago) it's not a new development as such. During the course of our relationship, I've had pangs of sadness that I've never got to experience being in a relationship with a woman when I think back on my life and chances I had etc.
What's set me off today is I had a dream this morning about an old friend I had when I was teenager (nothing weird, just a normal dream that I was younger and I'd seen her somewhere and we reunited etc) and when I woke up I had this pit of sadness and almost grief, and realised when I was younger I was in love with her. All well, life has moved on, I'm nearly 2 decades older now and that's that. But I can't help but almost pine for a life of "what if I'd have been with a woman instead?" And the more I think and feel on it, the more I think I'm more sexually/romantically attracted to women than I am to men. I love DH and our DC so so dearly I'd never want to do anything to jeopardise that but I feel I've done myself a disservice in a way by never truly expressing myself and sort of hiding that part of me for fear of judgement etc and now I'll never know. It's almost like grieving for something that never was?
DH and I don't have sex very often (when we do it's great so no problem with the actual sex) but I just don't feel a sexual pull to him if that makes sense, but I do when I see an attractive woman if you know what I mean. I don't want to destroy my family to "experiment with my sexuality" to put it crudely but if I think I'm gay what do I do?!
Sorry I'm rambling now but I'm tormenting myself over this and I don't know what to do, I don't have anyone I can talk to in real life and I don't feel like I can bring it up with my husband for fear of him being angry or upset with me.

Not experienced this but couldn't just read and run.

I can recommend counselling. It is very helpful and judgement free. Talking through all of this with an impartial party will help you sort through your feelings and make sense of what you want. And then it will help you to convey this to your family in the best way possible.

Don't bottle it up. I'm sorry for what you are going though, OP.xxx

@PeeAche thank you for responding, I really appreciate it.
I definitely think some sort of therapy would help, going over my feelings with someone else who can hear me out and isn't emotionally invested.

Counselling completely blew up all of my expectations. I thought it would be 1. Awkward 2. A waste of time and money 3. Judgemental 4. Holistic and weird 5. All my family would find out.

In truth, it was amazing and it helped me through my divorce. I married young (no children) and I just didn't love my husband. And he didn't love me. But there was no abuse or cheating or even big rows. So I thought we weren't "allowed" to break up. One day he walked out on me and I felt like I'd failed, because the break up felt unjustified. My therapist helped me to understand that my own happiness is justification enough.

Several years down the line and I am happily married to a truly wonderful man. We have an incredible family and a life I am so proud of.

I have never battled with feelings of uncertainty about my sexuality, but I have ditched a "perfectly okay" marriage and dealt with that very public fallout. The first bit is the hardest.xxx

Hey OP, there a thread on the Sex board that you might be interested in called "Funding a Like Minded Woman". You might find some support there?

Hi @sanjunipero22 different scenario as no kids involved but I saw this and thought of this thread:
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/mar/15/i-am-bisexual-but-have-never-explored-my-sexuality-now-that-i-am-in-a-relationship-have-i-missed-my-chance

You sound like you are hankering over a fantasy rather than a real life thing. Life can be run of the mill sometimes and it's easy to fantasise about other things and think you might want something different. You mention the sexual pull with your husband but most people in a long term relationship aren't having sex every night. I'm not suggested you bury your feelings I'm just suggesting that you look at them realistically and think about what you have got to lose

Hi OP - I doubt I can help but I’m in a very similar position and wanted you to know you are not alone! I suspect there are lots of us. Forgive me if I’ve missed it in your post but does your husband know you’re bisexual?