Ready to give up on partner

[user1497967699]

Hello

I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant and also have a daughter who’s 5. I live with my partner but I’m at my wits end and could do with some reassurance that I’m not losing the plot

During my pregnancy my partner hasn’t offered me any emotional or physical support. I don’t know what I was expecting, as things weren’t great before I fell pregnant… what I mean is he expects a lot from me, and I thought being pregnant maybe he’d pull his weight more? He doesn’t lift a finger around the house, never has done. I do everything from the cooking, cleaning, clothes, shopping, dishes. You name it. I run him to work and pick him up when he asks. I did have a part time job but I’m off now for maternity leave. My 5 year old daughter is autistic, and amazing as she is it can be extremely difficult at times. My partner comes home from work (He usually phoned me to pick him up) expects his dinner ready, then work clothes washed. He doesn’t offer me a hand, he doesn’t think to clean his plate, or tidy up. If I’m being honest I usually just get on with it for an easy life, and I’m quite nurturing in nature so caring for people comes naturally to me. I just feel like he’s taking advantage now though. Even though I’m 31 weeks pregnant, tonight he asked me if I’d give him a shoulder rub as he’s feeling tired and his backs sore. I did it for a few mins but couldn’t help think hang on a minute, when do you ever give me any affection? I’ve not slept a wink in weeks with back pain, I’ve found it really difficult to carry the load of managing a house and caring for my daughter all on my own. No help offered. I said to him it would be nice for him to offer me a bit support when I’m struggling, for him to reply what have you got to be tired about? Your not working. You don’t work like I do (he is a bricklayer and yes he works 8-5 but he gets picked up and brought home to sit on his a* for the rest of the night and takes him self to bed) I’m forever complaining about struggling in the pregnancy and I should just get on with it apparently and I don’t know what it’s like to feel as tired as him. And that im playing the victim by expressing how hard it’s been the last few weeks… im a woman So I just need to deal with it. I feel invalidated, undermined and completely shut down at the moment. I know im not working at the moment but does that really matter ??? Im still doing everything on my own, whilst caring for my daughter AND heavily pregnant, He gets his clothes washed, tea made, personal taxi service whenever he pleases. Any problems I help him without question. I pick up his mess every day, and this isn’t me this isn’t who I am! Some might say I’ve allowed this to happen, and should of stopped doing so much for him he’ll soon learn, but I’ve tried that. If I left mess it would pile up, I’d get lectured about how lazy I am for not seeing to it. If I don’t pick him up from work I’m selfish, why would I make him walk? When I have a car? These are all the excuses he puts to me. Some days I don’t know if it’s me bringing it on myself, or if somethings not right here. I just want to add, I am not financially dependent on him and don’t ask for a penny. I work for what I have, and am extremely sensible with money. I just feel like im being walked over and even more so whilst im pregnant. He sees me struggling to walk up and down the stairs but would never help me bring a washing down, or pick up toys. He’d never offer to cook for me for once as maybe im feeling tired and deserve a rest. His reasons are he works hard and I don’t so it should all be done for him. On weekends he lies around and if I ask him to help he’ll say this is my day off, I’m not cleaning on my day off. It’s really draining now, if I bring it up he’ll say I’m nagging and so negative or looking for arguments. Even things like swapping sides of the bed so I can get to the toilet easier, without having to climb over him as im heavily pregnant, he says that’s out of the question he needs to stay on that side in order to have a good sleep for work. Why am I not as important? Work aside? I’ve never felt so taken advantage of yet too done in to fight back or defend myself. Why am I allowing this? Am I wrong ??

I just needed to let this out before I crack. I don’t have anybody else to talk to

OMG OP. You need to get yourself and your child away from this man

Good lord! Does he have any redeeming features at ALL? I'd be gone so fast my feet wouldn't touch the ground!

I'd be off tbh. If he's like this now, you can see how he will be after the birth.

LTB. You deserve better than this OP. He's a waste of space.

You need to get away, this will only get worse. You'll have enough to do looking after two children let alone being this man's slave.

Time he went. He's not doing anything at the weekend so he can pack his things & go back to his parents.
You won't be as tired when you are not running around after him.

I think bricklaying is a backbreaking job so I’m not surprised he is knackered really. I think you need to accept this and do your bit at home. This resentment won’t do any good for either of you.

@AthenaPopodopolous

I think bricklaying is a backbreaking job so I’m not surprised he is knackered really. I think you need to accept this and do your bit at home. This resentment won’t do any good for either of you.

Are you taking the piss? Did you actually read the post

He goes out to work 8-5, then doesNOTHING

Op does EVERYTHING including taking him to and from work as he’s not even capable of that

And he appears to do NOTHING at the weekend either when he is not working

Why should op do everything thing, she is heavily pregnant, in pain herself, but she needs to ‘do her bit’.

Who are you? Her partner?

@AthenaPopodopolous

I think bricklaying is a backbreaking job so I’m not surprised he is knackered really. I think you need to accept this and do your bit at home. This resentment won’t do any good for either of you.

This is ridiculous. He's not even financially supporting her, why should she be his slave because he is tired?!

You have made some very poor choices. You have always known exactly who this man is, yet you've stayed with him and even gotten pregnant by him. Of course he isn't going to change.

It's time to admit your poor decisions and to kick this utter loser out of your life forever. Stay single, do the Freedom Programme, and put your children's best interests first.

You already know you've been allowing all of this bullshit from him. Just stop it.

I'm glad you're finally ready. Now give up on him. Is this what you want to teach your daughter? That men must be worshipped and women don't matter? Raise your standards. Do it now.

Just imagine your life without this waste of space...

You do not need him!!

@AthenaPopodopolous

I think bricklaying is a backbreaking job so I’m not surprised he is knackered really. I think you need to accept this and do your bit at home. This resentment won’t do any good for either of you.

She's doing "her bit". She's doing more than her bit.

If he can't do his job and then function like a decent human being afterwards then he should do something else.

I'm sure there's plenty of other bricklayers out there who don't expect to be waited on hand and foot for the rest of their week.

The OP is carrying his baby and he watches her struggle and doesn't do a thing to help, he won't even give her any emotional support. He treats her extremely poorly and seems to have no respect for her and the job she does!

If the OP leaves him (she should) then who is he going to get to run around after him doing everything for him? He'll have to go back to his mammy!

And what about when he needs to take the kids, will the poor fella be even able to manage EOW on his own?

My father was a bricklayer and my mum had a very traditional role as a housekeeper. I think it’s possible the poster is under a lot of stress. May I ask? Do you want to leave your partner?
I also empathise as when I was pregnant I became so very fed up with my partner. I think a lot of women do and it’s mostly down to tiredness and hormones and the stress of being pregnant.
I don’t see how you can can’t really offer any other resolutions other than for an expectant couple to split up. I think it’s cruel actually.

@AthenaPopodopolous
The thread title is ready to give up on partner

The OP states that she is at her wits end.
She said that her partner has not offered her any physical or emotional support during her pregnancy.
She said he doesn't lift a finger around the house.
He makes out that she is playing the victim if she said she needs some support or that she's tired.

If she brings it up he says she's nagging, negative and looking for arguments.

She cannot force him to help. All she can do is try to talk to him...which clearly she has..multiple times!

So what other resolution can we offer her but to leave??

It's cruel of you to ignore everything she said in the OP and say that this is probably mostly down to tiredness, hormones and the stress of being pregnant.

He's an absolute bugger, isn't he?

I'd make him pay for a cleaner and some help.

But really, he's just immensely selfish, and that is unlikely to change.

I'm not sure how you re-train him :( xxx

You must rid yourself of this liability of a partner...he isn't really a partner though is he? He is a selfish lazy user. What more can I say? Get rid!

He's building walls you're building a whole person! AND raising another AND chasing after a man child!

Is he 5 year olds dad?

Frankly this

He doesn’t lift a finger around the house, never has done.

Said it all for me!

He's chronically lazy and selfish! He won't improve as a father once baby is born because he's already failing as a father and partner now

Why on earth did you think he'd improve with you being pregnant?

Cut your losses and get rid and get some good therapy to ensure you don't end up here again

He is a selfish Twat. He is walking all over you and you really must put a stop to it. Sit him down and give him a list of things you expect him to do. Washing/make dinner x times a week, cleaning, whatever. Tell him it’s non negotiable, he either does it with good grace, or you’re out. I suspect he won’t agree so then you MUST stick to your word and leave. And in the end, you will be better off, because at the minute he’s just someone else you have to look after, he’s bringing nothing to your table. And that will only get worse with a new baby….
Then, when you’ve established yourself again, do some work on your boundaries. Lots of people will take the piss is they are allowed to and you must learn not to allow it. My now DH definitely had the potential to be like this, but I recognised it early on. When we moved in together I pointed out I wasn’t his mother (we both work ft long hours) and I wouldn’t be doing all the cleaning/ cooking etc. He could do half, or he could live in a shit tip and starve. He was a bit shocked (previous gfs had done everything) but he soon got the hang of it!

Not sure why you thought he'd magically change into a different person when you got pregnant!
You know what you need to do...

There is no point in staying with this man. He has no redeeming features. If he's not financially or emotionally supporting you AND expects you to be his slave, then what is the point of him at all? You are just useful to him, that is all. You deserve better. Get rid!

From what you have written, it doesn't sound like he actually cares about you as his actions don't show any care. I stayed with someone who preferred to work seven days a week and into evenings, (self employed) rather than spend any time with us. So I left him. He was amazed, didn't think I would do it. Suspected me of having an affair as couldn't believe I'd rather be on my own.
Being on your own is better than hoping and waiting for the person you live with is going to show you some love and care.

God OP, LTB!
My bf is also a brickie. He finishes work, picks his kids up (single dad), takes them home, makes the dinner, puts a clothes wash on, tidies up, washes up, parents them, puts them to bed, and does everything else you’d expect. When he doesn’t have his kids and he’s at mine he cooks for me, does my washing up, and does anything else I let him do I’m normally the one telling him to stop and sit down and chill for a bit!
Saying all this just to make it very clear that the whole ‘I’m tired from work’ bollocks is just that, absolute bollocks and a total cop out. It doesn’t give him free reign to check out of any kind of family life. Your DP is being a total shit and I’d be very surprised if you didn’t find life much easier without him, even with a new baby. It’s far lonelier being in an unsupportive relationship than being on your own.

Op, just throw him out.

He's proven himself to be a lazy, selfish bastard.

He's proven he doesn't give a shit about how YOU feel.

He's proven that his shitty, selfish, entitled attitude WON'T change.

So hurry up and get rid of his 'dead weight' before you have the baby, because you'll get more of a 'rest' when you don't have to cook/clean/shop/do laundry/chauffeur after HIS LAZY ARSE !!