Single and feeling alone

[ijwmtb]

I am in my 30s and single and childless. This is not what I would have chosen for myself (and I date and am interested in finding a relationship), but most of the time I am fine and happy. I have a good life - a good group of friends, close family, successful career, stable home and finances. I know I am very lucky.

But in the past week I've had a health scare and it's made me feel so sad and alone. I know I have many people that I could call on for support, but I can't help but feeling like I'm everyone's tier 2 person and they all have their own family and priorities. I suppose feeling that no one else is obliged to deal with any of my issues - like I'd be calling in favours if I started asking for the help I feel I actually need whereas they'd never have the need to call me because they all have a partner who would deal with things. I just feel suddenly really alone. Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you get past it?

Honestly, I just reminded myself that I could do it on my own and didn't need anyone.

In my 30s, I was single with 2 children. I have no family except a brother who doesn't live close by. I've never called on anyone for except the time my eldest was rushed to hospital following an accident at school and I had to ask someone else to pick my youngest up from school because I physically couldn't be there.

When I'm ill now, deliveroo brings our food and everything else gets left.

The harsh reality is that no one else is 'obliged' to deal with your issues and, tbh, I wouldn't expect them to. You deal with them on your own and then, yes, you call in favours if you need them.

Sorry you're feeling so down about this, and it's probably symptomatic of a wider sense of feeling lonely, but that's just life for a lot of people.

If you have good friendships though, with love and trust, then you're actually not alone, are you. Your friends would be there for you if you asked, but the problem is internal, in that it's the asking that's the problem.

Are you generally a person who finds it easy to ask for help? Or do you struggle a bit with that? This could be a valuable lesson in acceptance for you, if you choose to see it that way. Either that, or a trigger to find yourself some better friends.

I hope it was only a scare, and that you're better now. Sounds tough

@KorioLinn

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

???

People don't understand what it's like to be lower on others priorities list unless they go through it, as demonstrated by some in this thread. And unfortunately it means they won't ever recognise it or probably even empathise with how it feels.

So you are right op, you are less of a priority but you know tier two is still pretty high. Until I met DH I was a teir three or lower on most people I knew list. It was hard.

I did find some people who also didn't have a tier one or two and this helped a lot. And I found some new tier two friends who could see beyond their own tier one.

I totally sympathise. I am the same, 40, single and childless. The childless part is fine, I don't actually want to be a parent but I'd like a partner to join me in doing the things I already like doing (travelling, eating out etc).

I can relate to feeling like a tier 2 friend. My other friends have kids, relationships so they are of course prioritised and the other friends have other 'best' friends over me.

It is an inner battle, and I don't have any answers except solidarity! I'm looking into hobbies, the positives of being child free - I have lots of time (hopefully I won't die soon!) that allows me to travel when finances allow etc and just try and keep positive when the lonely feeling knocks, which is a lot.

Only 2 people have commented, @Muppetlove, both of whom have been in the same situation as OP and have a full understanding of the situation.

It's not some 'life tragedy' that some people will never understand. It's a life situation which, if you're an adult, you take responsibility for, and fix.

When I tried to bring up the fact that I sometimes (which is actually a lot of the time) feel truly alone to my 'friend', they immediately started on 'yeah but I'm like that too, I just have my 4 year old'.

They also have a massive family who help out, other tier 1 friends and a big social support network. I don't have that and they just don't get it.

@Watchkeys

Only 2 people have commented, *@Muppetlove*, both of whom have been in the same situation as OP and have a full understanding of the situation.

It's not some 'life tragedy' that some people will never understand. It's a life situation which, if you're an adult, you take responsibility for, and fix.

What would your fix suggestions be?

@Supersee

Read the full thread.

@Watchkeys I have.

I'm a single mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donor), and for a long time I felt like nobody's priority (before having the child). Small but close family, but none live nearby. One very good make friend.

Actually when I look back on certain life events, I used to say a lot : "a partner should be there for me", it took me a while to realise that it was just a script. In reality who was there for me was my family and the friend. They absolutely 100% supported me through many life events and including the latest one of going at it alone with a sperm donor. Having a decent partner is a lovely idea, again I've had a number of partners throughout my life including a husband, but they really didn't live up to the fantasy. Others in your life could and should step in and up when you need them. I also echo some of what @GreyCarpet says, when you have sole responsibility for a child/children, you learn to lean on yourself unless it's an absolute emergency.

Op @ijwmtb, you said you have a close family and a good group of friends, have they let you down when you need them? What do you expect a romantic partner to do that your family/friends aren't?

What do you expect a romantic partner to do that your family/friends aren't

This is a very good point.

@Supersee

I think the fix is to try and create more connections with people. I know this sounds really 'obvious', and I don't mean for it to be patronising, lifelong connections take time, as well connecting or reconnecting with family, if possible.

For me personally, was about creating my own family. Now with a small child, I also don't have time to ruminate and naval gaze which keeps me in a better mental health space. I understand you're child free though.

I'm now separated but even before that, many of my friends were in my 'tier one'. I'd drop anything and everything to be by their side.

I get you don't have that physical immediacy though, of one person always being there.

[quote Anthurium]@Supersee

I think the fix is to try and create more connections with people. I know this sounds really 'obvious', and I don't mean for it to be patronising, lifelong connections take time, as well connecting or reconnecting with family, if possible.

For me personally, was about creating my own family. Now with a small child, I also don't have time to ruminate and naval gaze which keeps me in a better mental health space. I understand you're child free though.[/quote]

Thanks @Anthurium completely get what you're saying. Definitely need to make more connections, which admittedly I find difficult. Even familial relationships I find difficult and are pretty much non existent at the moment. I feel like my friends are tier 1 to me but I'm not to them 🤷‍♀️ I do have a lot of time to think and ruminate!

Sorry OP didn't meant to make this about myself!

@Watchkeys

If you have good friendships though, with love and trust, then you're actually not alone, are you. Your friends would be there for you if you asked, but the problem is internal, in that it's the asking that's the problem.

Are you generally a person who finds it easy to ask for help? Or do you struggle a bit with that? This could be a valuable lesson in acceptance for you, if you choose to see it that way. Either that, or a trigger to find yourself some better friends.

I hope it was only a scare, and that you're better now. Sounds tough

Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful response.

You are right - the problem is internal. I do have amazing friendships; my group of friends is one of the things I'm proudest of and I really couldn't ask for more in them. I suppose it's just the shift I'm struggling with - as people have children they can't practically be there for me in the same ways we have always been for each other. If I need an operation no one can just move in and help me recover because they have other caregiving responsibilities. My parents are also getting older and that's an adjustment of course. Which is fine because 99% of the time you don't actually need anyone and are able to be self sufficient, and I know I'm fortunate to be able to pay for most support I need. And I'm lucky to have enough friends that I don't feel lonely at all in the day to day as have plenty of people I can confide in and a v busy social life.

But it's just weird when you realise you don't have a teammate anymore whose job it is to pick up the slack/ support you. I have found myself recently desperate to be helpful to my friends in practical ways that I never would have felt previously - yes, I'll help with your move/babysit your child etc. almost like I now feel I have to earn my position/prove myself as a friend. Which is entirely self imposed.

Anyway, I was inspired by your message and spoke to my best friend about it this morning, who said that we are still each others' responsibilities because we have chosen to be. And that she'd still be calling me in a crisis. Which made me feel better, but sometimes the practical reality is difficult.

I also feel bad being a burden on people. All of my friends were so amazing through my divorce and the pandemic that I feel I owe it to them now to be bright and carefree and fun, which is ridiculous I know. So saying 'hi here I am needing your support yet again' is a difficult thought.

Sorry, this is a real ramble. But thank you everyone for kind responses. It's just helpful to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

@Anthurium

I'm a single mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donor), and for a long time I felt like nobody's priority (before having the child). Small but close family, but none live nearby. One very good make friend.

Actually when I look back on certain life events, I used to say a lot : "a partner should be there for me", it took me a while to realise that it was just a script. In reality who was there for me was my family and the friend. They absolutely 100% supported me through many life events and including the latest one of going at it alone with a sperm donor. Having a decent partner is a lovely idea, again I've had a number of partners throughout my life including a husband, but they really didn't live up to the fantasy. Others in your life could and should step in and up when you need them. I also echo some of what @GreyCarpet says, when you have sole responsibility for a child/children, you learn to lean on yourself unless it's an absolute emergency.

Op @ijwmtb, you said you have a close family and a good group of friends, have they let you down when you need them? What do you expect a romantic partner to do that your family/friends aren't?

Another very helpful message, thank you. You're right, I have never been let down by my family or friends - quite the opposite, I have consistently been overwhelmed by the love and support I've had in my hardest times. My female friendships are the thing I'm most certain of - we've been there for each other consistently as romantic partners have come and gone. And I think (generalisation but for my group true) often are more emotionally intelligent/thoughtful than our male partners so able to provide better support. I do know rationally that having a partner doesn't suddenly mean that you have someone available to cater for your every emotional need.

I suppose what I miss is the sense of a teammate/partner for practical things. Someone who just will help me and I don't have to be overly grateful for it / pay back the favour / even tell them what I need because they've pre-empted it. And not having an obvious 'this is the person I call' when everyone else I know does. But really I probably need to be grateful for what I have. If there was a crisis today, even in the absence of 'the person', I have people that would step up and I am so lucky to have that.

On a separate note, I find it really interesting to hear of you deciding to become a single mother. Feel like I'm hearing of more and more women going that route (instead of just the occasional newspaper article) - hope it has worked/is working out well for you. Definitely something I think about one day.

@Supersee

I totally sympathise. I am the same, 40, single and childless. The childless part is fine, I don't actually want to be a parent but I'd like a partner to join me in doing the things I already like doing (travelling, eating out etc).

I can relate to feeling like a tier 2 friend. My other friends have kids, relationships so they are of course prioritised and the other friends have other 'best' friends over me.

It is an inner battle, and I don't have any answers except solidarity! I'm looking into hobbies, the positives of being child free - I have lots of time (hopefully I won't die soon!) that allows me to travel when finances allow etc and just try and keep positive when the lonely feeling knocks, which is a lot.

Sorry you can empathise, but thank you for telling me you can - it makes me feel less alone. I think it's a hard thing to admit to in some ways - I get the sense some people feel like I just need to learn how to be single better. If one more person tells me I just need to be happy in myself and then the perfect man will show up...! But yes, I want someone to plan my life with, to travel with etc, to be my partner with me in the good and support me through the bad times. And I can remind myself as much as I like to be grateful for what I have (which is a lot) but I can't stop myself wanting that.

@ijwmtb

On a practical note Op, what are you doing about your 'singledom'?

You've mentioned you're divorced, are you ready to start dating?

There are worst things. You could be your DH Tier two, three or four like me. My own DH spent an entire month blanking me during the first lockdown. That’s even worse than being alone.