Been with DP 19 months- not long I know, but intense. Not necessarily a good thing I know.
I’m a mum of one (dad not involved- a horror story in itself). My Partner (I’m in my 40s, not saying ‘boyfriend’ sorry!) has a child - very involved, 50/50, all good and very friendly.
I hesitate to say this, as I know how it sounds. And yes, I’ve heard it all before. But for context , he tells me constantly I’m the love of his life, that he’s never really known how it feels to properly love someone until he met me, that he never felt anything like this comfortable with his ex or anyone else. Etc etc.
He is very loving towards me and does do a lot for me- BUT can also be extremely difficult, rude, arrogant and patronising. Also, I find relationships difficult and have had a very bad experience previously- so I’m not very open or proactive which is a constant source of problems. All he wants is for me to show that I love him and to settle down. Or so he says.
When we first got together, his ex was dating someone new. They hadn’t been separated all that long, but had been together on & off over 20 years (married other people in between etc,) so a lot of history. I knew they were on fairly good terms from the start but at first there was some friction & he gave the impression they communicated purely about their son and it was civil but not overly friendly.
So I was a bit surprised when I first realised they still buy each other quite significant birthday & Christmas presents, and he goes to hers not only on the kids birthdays (she’s got another by someone else) but also on his. I can see that’s a nice thing especially for their son. He doesn’t stay all day or anything. So I’ve kind of got used to the situation, and I do like her, never had a problem with her.
Last week, we all went on holiday together! As you do. Her idea in fact. He & I broke up for a while late last year (another great sign I know). Turns out he was planning to meet them out there for this holiday (to ‘see his son’) - his ex with her new partner (same one she was seeing at the start) but he wasn’t going to stay in the same place as them allegedly. As he ‘thought it wouldn’t be nice for her partner’.
We had some blazing rows out there. He can get really nasty in arguments (I guess I can too), is very stubborn & arrogant and is never in the wrong.
To sum up why we argued- it niggled me constantly that he’s clearly got a massive problem with ex’s new DP. He was constantly rude and off with him. Made a comment in anger at one point, in front of all of us, because her DP was waxing on about something and got a detail wrong, so he butted in “NO, ex and I LIVED there for 2 years”. We had literally just had a conversation about how it came across as though he still had feelings for her because of this sort of behaviour. So I ended getting angry & telling him he was so rude, and we had a huge row with him calling me a liar (!) in front of his son, and accusing me of wanting him to cut contact with the mother of his child (NOT even close to anything I said or implied, obviously).
We then barely spoke for the rest of the afternoon, but he spent a bit of time alone with ex and their son. It later transpired (well this is the extent of what he told me) that he told her what I’d said and asked if she thought he was rude to her partner. Well, I was fully expecting her to say she knew where I was coming from but no, he told me she said she understood why he felt like that as she knows what kind of people he likes.
It also later transpired that he took some selfies of them in that time. I know they’re family , I’m not that unreasonable and wouldn’t normally have a problem - but given their conversation about our argument and her apparent reaction, yes I do have a problem with the coziness of it all. Also, it was when we were looking through photos on his phone (still on holiday- after we’d made up) that he suddenly got edgy and tried to distract me just before I saw the selfies. Then got defensive about it.
Another thing, and I know it’s so easy to write me off as mad, paranoid etc. he would if I dared mention it. But he once mentioned randomly that she prefers him with a beard. Why I needed to know that is anyone’s business.
So the day before we go on holiday, he mentions he’s growing a beard. My immediate thought was ok, is that for her?
The day we got back- he shaved it off.
When we got back to his, he had a load of deliveries of clothes for him etc. he opened one box then said ‘oh that’s not for me’ a bit sheepishly- it was a present he’d ordered for her birthday (a couple of weeks beforehand). I knew about the present, but thought he’d already given it to her.
He also mentions that my valentines present had still not arrived- I’m totally not bothered , he took me away the weekend before Valentine’s Day anyway and I’m not fussed either way, but he said he’d ordered something small. But as he was being a bit off with me, he said ‘oh well it’s not like you need another present from me at the moment is it’. Which I thought was a dig and a bit fucking rude as I’m really struggling with money and he’d just that day helped me out (temporarily)- (for context he doesn’t struggle for money at all, and that’s an understatement).
Anyway, we smoothed that over/ignored it and all was fine. Saw each other for lunch the next day, had a nice time. While we were away we’d talked about the fact that we should speak on the phone more in the week as we hardly ever do, and agreed it would help our relationship.
So that evening, after feeling quite good about us and him, I rang him. He didn’t pick up at first (unlike him) but called back 5 mins later saying he was putting his son to bed. When I said ‘oh, I didn’t realise you had him tonight’ he said (a bit sheepishly) he was at ex’s. Knowing all my insecurities and our arguments over the holiday, I felt a bit put out as this never happens. I asked why- he said he’d popped round to collect his uniform as she normally drops it off on a Sunday but he hadn’t seen them that day (he collects him from school on a Monday). I though a bit unnecessary, surely she could just stick it in his school bag? He said she’d gone to drop her other child at an activity (Sunday night 🤷🏻♀️) so he’d offered to put their son to bed. He knew I was a bit miffed & he asked to call me back in 5 minutes when he was in the car. He calls me back quite a while later - still at her house, waiting for her to get back supposedly. He ended up staying relatively late and called when he was home- acting all extra nicey nicey.
It was only the next day when I realised that obviously, he’d gone to take her present round. The dawning of this has really floored me, pathetic as that may sound. It’s the deception, the making lame excuses about the uniform, making out he was just doing a favour by putting their son to bed (they have NEVER been like this since we’ve been together, as far as I know). He’d never have gone round there of an evening before. Clearly, they arranged to spend some time together without me knowing and if I hadn’t phoned (considering I rarely do so he wasn’t expecting it ) I’d possibly not have known.
Since it dawned on me, I’ve felt stupidly betrayed. I’ve not said it outright to him- I’ve just said I’m really fucking hurt and I know he knows why, but is acting oblivious and has thrown the old ‘what are you on about, how have I hurt you? Taken you on holiday? Lent you money’ etc etc. feels as though I should be grateful and not speak up because of what he’s done for me. It’s the power imbalance. I feel that they’re closer than we are right now and I hate the fact that they had a conversation about our argument.
I realise it’s the longest post ever and exceptionally outing.
Am I overreacting?