Crappy relationship with my mother

[briarrose]

Yet another argument with my mum, or should I say she's just not speaking to me...
We had another falling out, this time over her promising to take my DD out for her birthday for 2 months, then letting her down at the last minute. It's not the money, it's the fact that she never ever spends time with my kids, and my DD just wanted to spend time with her nan.
Then I found out that my mum decided she wasn't buying for adults for xmas, fair enough - exept for my sister and brother, because they don't have kids.
Does that sound petty, again, it's not about the money, but all my bloody life i've never felt good enough for her, despite the fact that i'm bringing up 2 kids, running a home, working and doing a degree, just a few nice words and a bit of bloody recognition would be nice.
I really don't know where to go from here. This happens every now and again and then eventually it blows over and is forgotten(at least by her) for once I just want to talk to her about how I feel.
Anyone else have this shitty love/hate relationship with their mum?
I can't let this one pass because it's about time it got sorted once and for all. Past history tells me it won't be though, she doesn't do talking about problems, unless they are her problems.
oh woe is me!!!!!

Hi, I could be way off track here but have a look at the thread entitled "But we took you to stately homes - A thread for people from abusive families" in relationships, it may give you some insight into your relationship with your mother. x

I would write your feelings in a letter to her BUT KEEP it to yourself. It will help. Read it when you are upset and when you are in a happier place.

From experience you have to consider what do you want to change and if it is going to be possible and will it be for the better.

I would concentrate on your family. You are no longer just your mothers child, you are an adult with your own responsibilities and children to think of.

I did actually write her a letter years ago, when we weren't speaking for over a year. I asked that if we couldn't get along then could I at least see my sister who was about 11 or 12 at the time and she wrote back saying not to contact her again as neither her or my sister needed me in their life. It was very hurtful and to this day has not been mentioned

By the way oneplusone, can you point me in the direction of the thread you mentioned, can't find it but would like to read it

oh ok, just reread your post, i'll look again in relationships

wow oneplusone, thanks for pointing that out to me, was nearly in tears reading that, realising that i'm not alone, it does help a lot, but I also just want to scream. I could NEVER ever imagine treating my children in that way. When I think of the things my mum used to say to me I just shudder, and I have spent so long trying to work out what the hell I did to make her resent me so much, and what my brother and sister have that I don't.
I think I know what I need to do, but I don;t think I have the strength to do it. My mum has such a massive hold on me
emotionally, it's scary and unreasonable

am glad you found the thread, sorry I am hopeless at links. I suggest for now that you just read through that thread and the one previous to it (it got full so we had to start another one) and I'm sure you will find support, validation, guidance and advice there. Just take your time as it's a lot to take in. x

also if you want to scream, do so! It's perfectly healthy and ok to be angry and frustrated at your mum and to let out your feelings. Scream, stamp your feet, punch a pillow (when you have some privacy!), you will feel better. Trust your feelings, always.

I haven't read that thread, maybe I'll have a look.

My mother (only child) had a very bad relationship with her own (my nan). However my mother still magnaged to love me with all her heart, you can change the pattern. Don't be scared. This is not what you will be.

Sorry if that was insensitive but you know what I am trying to say I hope.

it's just so sad, her partner is such a great guy and I still keep in touch with him but she gives him hell aswell, he's as bad as me though, won't really stand up for himself, prefers the quiet life!
Do you have siblings? Are you speaking to your mum but just don;t have a good relationship with her, or is she not in your life at all?

No, it doesn't sound insensitive! My mother is just such a negative person, she spends most of her time moaning about all her ailments (none of which prevent her from shopping though)
there is the other issue of physical bullying though, she pinches me and thinks it's funny. she will also slap for a laugh, not just me but the kids, she doesn't slap them but she does pinch them and they don't like it.
she was slapping me once and it really hurt, she was doing it as a joke, but I asked her to stop and she said "ok, i'll pinch you then" it was all I could do not to cry - me, a grown woman!!- it wasn't just that it hurt; I felt stupid, it made me feel like a child

briarrose, slapping & pinching WTF, no sorry she is wrong.

"it's just so sad, her partner is such a great guy and I still keep in touch with him but she gives him hell aswell, he's as bad as me though, won't really stand up for himself, prefers the quiet life"

Briarrose

But with regards to him he could also be seen to be acting as a bystander. That man is a bystander so I would not completely let him off the hook. People in dysfunctional families play out defined roles.

Dysfunctional abuse can also be generational - I've read that her own mother behaved poorly towards your own Mum. You though are far stronger and have recognised this problem for what it is.

Would suggest you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point and introduce yourself onto the "well we took you to stately homes" thread. You will find validation there. Its about people who grew up in toxic, abusive families.

Your Mother will likely go on the attack if you confront her - well its a given really because if she was not toxic she would be open to reason. Toxic people are not open to reason. You may never have the relationship you want with her because she is ultimately too damaged emotionally.

The pinching and slapping is abusive.

Counselling may also be of benefit to you; you need to talk this through with someone impartial. BACP have a list of counsellors and it won't cost a fortune either.

Do read the thread that has been mentioned, its in the Relationships section.

Briarrose

All credit to you for posting on the other thread.

It's so hard writing and reading all this, though I must say thanks to you all for your advice. It's just quite crushing to realise that all i've been feeling for so long really is not right. It's so much easier to pretend it's okay and go back to normal, although that's not what i'm suggesting that's what i'll do. but I really don't know if i've got the strength to confront her. I'm feeling a bit of a coward about it actually, because despite all i've said I do love her. I've always had this complete inability to say or do anything which may hurt her. I know what i'd advise others to do but I really don't think I can do it myself