I don't know if we are compatible

[LittleBirdBlu]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 18 months. We get on really well, no arguing, he's kind and generous, and we love each other very much.

He's divorced as am I, he owns his own house, is solvent, debt free, and has a very high paying job. I am a single mum in a low paying job, I struggle to pay my bills, I have debt, which I'm trying to pay off but it's a slow process.

I just don't see how we will go the distance as we don't want to merge our families while our children are still young, we both have children in primary school. We won't live together until they are late teens, so 10 years or so. I'm coming constantly aware that he is carefree where money is concerned and I am not. He's about to buy a new house, I will never be able to do that. Currently my life feels like a massive failure. I have just done my tax return and I don't know how I'm going to pay what I owe. But I can't tell him as I don't want him to think I want his help, because I couldn't accept it if he offered. I would feel like our relationship was even more off balance.

I don't know what I'm asking really but I just feel lost, sad and disappointed with myself.

I mean this kindly, but you're more like friends with benefits than a couple/family.

If that isn't enough then say what you do want and if he doesn't then move on.

I couldn't watch someone I love romantically struggle like you. I'd want to be a team, in it together, a partnership.

I completely disagree with pp regarding fwb theory. It sounds to me like you have a future plan and quite sensibly have chosen to rear your children separately before securing a future together and
Not blending ,which if MN posters at large are to be believed, can be a horrendous and harrowing experience for many children.
However, keeping your finances a secret from him is not good. I understand you don't want a hand out but if you are serious about each other and have talked about a long term plan , then he needs to be in your team as a partner. You don't need to take his money. He may be able to advise You or give you a different perspective.
He loves you. He won't want you suffering in silence and you'll know by his reaction exactly where you stand in his life and future when you both discuss this.
The whole LAT relationship is going to be huge in the next generation I think. It sounds bliss and absolutely ideal for children whose parents have divorced or separaTed.
Good luck op!

What's the problem with not living together for years.

Currently my life feels like a massive failure

This would make a relationship with anybody incompatible. If this is how you're feeling about yourself, you're not really in a place to be having a relationship, unless you are able to speak to your partner about how you feel, and gain their support.

But I can't tell him as I don't want him to think I want his help

What stops you from telling him, and also telling him you don't want his financial help? There's something going on here regarding your view of the equality in the relationship.

If you don't think things are equal, that's an obstacle, but if you can't bring yourself to talk to your partner about it, then you are compounding the inequality. Why won't you talk to him? This is more the issue, I think.

It's not that you are not compatible, just that it's not practical for you to live together, which is fine. It's not compulsory to live together. That aspect of your life sounds fine to me tbh.

If you had a real future then everything would eventually come out the same pot? Surely you'd want to merge your children if you see this going ahead for years. He must know your financial situation? Perhaps he isn't shallow and likes you for who you are. You are not a bad person for struggling. Bills are high. Family life is expensive. If I was comfortable financially I would want to help a loved one pay of a few bills if it meant we could start a life together.
If you never see yourself living with him for 10 years it's going to be separate in regards to alot of stuff though. Couples usually do it all as team when they are ready.

Hi op you need to be honest with him. And accepting some financial help from someone who loves you and can afford it is fine.

Its going to potentially make it harder for you. Dating can be an expensive habit- eating out, days/evenings out. So for you, if there's not much disposable, but you feel you have to pay your way, you will have more difficulty managing the debt. There's likely only so much of him taking you out that you can tolerate before it will get you down - that's if he's willing to pay. Having his able means, is he the sort to stay in most evenings or go for walks, other things that don't cost? Does he get and understand your struggle? The gap may become more obvious in time, but it depends on his perspective too how this would work.

@Opentooffers

Its going to potentially make it harder for you. Dating can be an expensive habit- eating out, days/evenings out. So for you, if there's not much disposable, but you feel you have to pay your way, you will have more difficulty managing the debt. There's likely only so much of him taking you out that you can tolerate before it will get you down - that's if he's willing to pay. Having his able means, is he the sort to stay in most evenings or go for walks, other things that don't cost? Does he get and understand your struggle? The gap may become more obvious in time, but it depends on his perspective too how this would work.

Well if I was quite well off and in love with someone who didn't have that much money, I would want to help. Or at least given the choice!