Scapegoat (Wife) in a Narcissistic Family (In - laws)

[Jay2704]

Hi guys

Im here on behalf of my wife and my sanity!

Where to even start.....

Right my name is Jason Ive been married for 13 years and im 43 years old. I met my wife in University she was 19 and I was 21.

As I got to know her she would tell me untold stories of her evil mother and her two sisters who ganged up on her throughout childhood.

She would say as I child I would feel guilty for wanting my mum and dad to split up so I could move away with dad.

Fast forward to 2008 when we got married and I had to join into this family which to me seemed almost perfect and made me feel like I was special to them.

now after 13 years of interactions I just cannot take anymore of this madness. The mother pretty much belittles, gaslights, blames, denies, lies and everything else EVERY single time we meet them. My wife cries EVERY time we go to see them, they gang up on her they pretty much from what I can see hate her.

But they will love bomb her over text once we have left there place after the abuse is over.

The two sisters are sly and manipulative in everything they say and do its so sad to watch. The older of the two is really bad, and uses my wife as her food for her hungry narcissistic traits.

My own mum stopped talking to all of them around 5 years ago after a racist remark was made over the phone when both our dads where on the phone but my father in law didnt put his phone down. My dad heard him say something about my mum who is English and my in laws are Indian.

Apart from that my mum said she felt so uncomfortable at there house and got the feeling that everyone was wearing a mask. Meaning they are all nice to your face and take the mick out of you the instant your back is turned.

She was right as Ive seen this from them multiple times and thats only because I was there and listening.

My wife is now 40 and has been subjected to all this her entire life and she is very very scared of them.

She makes me promise I WONT say anything to them for fear of being blamed for breaking up the family. She has actually threatened me saying she would rather die that confront anyone on this.

Over the past 7-8 years I have now become very angry when she mentions anything about us going there to visit. As they are Indian they have loads of events throughout any given year so they are always in your face. Something rises up in me when we have to go there ans I cannot help it, I thought maybe Im going mad!

This is what narcissist do to people, they destroy them psychologically over time!

My wife now has worse and worse mental health issues, high anxiety, some depression, guilt, low self esteem. All getting worse each and every time we meet them.

I can share as much more as anybody needs but have to go now as my wife just rang me to say THEY WILL CHANGE :(

btw This families picture should be in the dictionary next to - Gaslighting

I just wanted to add this message isnt just for my wife, as personally I feel Ive been abused aswell as the psychological problems they cause my wife each and every visit I have to repair and pick her back up.

Its very draining especially when we haven't been for a while and she is in a good place in herself until they punch her back down again.

If this was provable in any way in court I feel this should be a criminal offence, honestly!

I think that you should tell your wife that you no longer feel able to be in contact with her family.

She is enmeshed in Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Only she can find her way out of it.

My dh took over 30 years to be able to face up to his family's awfulness. It's really hard. But you accompanying your wife to meet ups etc isn't actually helping her.

Could you afford for your wife to go to counselling? That might help her get the confidence to go no contact with her family. Your poor wife having to put up with these horrors her whole life.

Thank you both for your replies means allot.

@Motnight Thats exactly what I decided to say to her after so many attempts to have here take steps away.
When I say I no longer want to contact them, she has a panic attack and I quickly have to take it back as the signs on here face of distress are REAL.

@ShortColdandGrey
I havnt got allot of money but Ive been looking into it since yday so good call indeed.

Jay2704, I have no doubt that your wife's reaction to you going no contact with her family is real. But what happens after that? You are both in a cycle of abuse. You can get out leaving you stronger to help your wife.

I don't say this lightly, I have experience of it myself. But the toxicity of the situation will only continue to harm you both.

Unfortunately you are enabling her to see them by back tracking. Need to be cruel to be kind.

I understand what your saying and believe me that would be ideal to get this over right this second but its very difficult.

Currently my wifes brother who is the youngest sibling is getting married in August and Ive been warned by my wife to leave this alone at least until after the wedding.

Reason being the two families about to be married also have a past problem, where the family (my wifes) uncle was previously married to the the other families aunty and he beat her up and she left.
This lady who was beaten up was my brother in laws fiances dads sister :(

Now he needs to keep everything sweet and get over the finishing line before his narcissist mother says or does something to ruin it.

Im just stuck here wanting to get out ASAP but this has been prolonged and now 13 years of watching the shit show.

@iRun2eatCake

I know your right and want to just stop all this, but my wife will have a nervous breakdown as she ALWAYS expects to take the BLAME for EVERYTHING.

And if the wedding somehow got ruined, well doesnt need thinking about....

What do you say to her mother and sisters when they are picking in her?

They do this undercover when Im in another room or just when Im not there.

She usually tells me afterwards what was said or what happened it never really happens when Im there.

In fact this is what happens, her mother will say shhhhhhhhh Jasons coming and they pretend nothing is up.

So her mother can abuse her secretly whilst Im even in the house. I told my wife a few years ago when you get your driving licence you can go there yourself if you really want to but I have had enough.

She got her licence but actually refuses to go there without me which says it all.

Look I have social anxiety and feel like nobody even cares what I have to say but now Ive just had enough and cannot be subjected to any more meet ups.

Would it ever be possible to move away from the area where her family live ? If so, maybe that would at least make any family visits a LOT less frequent ? i.e You live too far away (and your house is too small to have anyone stay over) to visit more than a couple of times a year (and only with BIG, busy gatherings when she'll never be left alone with them !)

And if you are visiting them, I'd be making excuses to NEVER leave my wife alone with her Mother and siblings, regardless of how silly it might sound to them ! e.g Make sure you go to the toilet before you visit, so you won't need to leave her alone, even for a minute ! If she's asked to help in the kitchen, then you BOTH go through and stay, regardless of them saying anything to dissuade you ! BE rude ! Say, 'No, I'm going to stay here' !)

Every single phone call would be on speaker, and I'd be telling my wife to NEVER answer the phone without me being present ! YOU keep her phone if necessary, or buy her a cheap one to carry, but only you, school and your family etc have the number)

Access is the key here. If they don't GET access to your wife alone, they CAN'T do this to her. So any and all access is to be 'policed' by you.

Definitely get your wife therapy asap too, because she's got a mountain of 'stuff' to 'unpack' and 'examine' before she'll even begin to feel better and feel able to set her own boundaries, but she can make a start with your help and support.

Op you sound at the end of your tether. The only way that you will be able to properly help and support your wife is by putting yourself first here.

Your wife is so overwhelmed by this whole situation that she can't see that she is making unreasonable demands of you.

Do you have children together?

Yes I am at the end of my rope, this has been going on for 13 years so far and my wife always says give them another chance.

I think your right, I need to just step away for my own sanity and I know that sounds selfish but I have been my wifes emotional support for this sole reason for a long time and i feel like a unqualified therapist rather than a husband at this point.

My wife has wonderful caring friends but to be honest they mostly are always consoling her on her family's latest narc attack and barely get any real fun/play time just more therapy type relationships.

We have an 11 year old son who has Autism, and that family never ever really helped us or gave a crap when we where going through the diagnosis when he was 2 and where heartbroken.

In fact my wife messages them once to say we cant meet them so often anymore as our son needs special help and its very hard work.

Guess what message my wife saw on there hidden watsapp group she found.
"wow her son has Autism, lets break out the violins"

this was around 8-9 years ago!

Ok apologies - for my username!

The reason it’s so acerbic is because I have the same issues and I’m finally standing up to them. My siblings are also awful - flying monkeys recruited to ridicule and abuse.

My new gorgeous husband is English - I am from am Indian family.

I know your family set up of narcissistic in law parents who triangulate using the other children - guilt trip your wife into visiting.

Find the lovely Dr Ramani on you tube - she’s a psychologist and her words will resonate with your wife and yourself. Her videos on narcissistic family members will be a huge education and comfort.

What you have described in your 13 year marriage happened in my first marriage - I also have children with SEND -

Now to resolution - how I’m making sure my new husband is not having to put up with my “monster” family. The pandemic leant itself well - we literally couldn’t visit - but as restrictions have eased my family has not changed.

The continuing toxic environment is one I literally run away from. This week I’ve had enough and the daily phone conversations from the matriarch have stopped - I failed to answer a call on the weekend!

Also my wonderful husband sent them a rather detailed message -
He will not allow anyone to verbally and emotionally abuse his wife. I’m sure my siblings are revelling in the gossip and enjoying the drama - leave them to it. I have a normal life to live!

I can now look forward to 3/4 weeks of absolute peace. Eventually of course I will soften and check in - The reason being - is whilst both my parents are toxic and narcissistic they both have health issues.

I’m one of 5 siblings so the others will be at their beck and call the next few weeks. Revelling in the drama and adding to scheming.

They are still my parents and unfortunately I cannot completely cut them off - However I can distance myself and protect my children and my husband. So it will be strained phone calls for a few months and then when it gets absolutely necessary I’ll drop in some shopping and I’ll make sure that I don’t stay longer than 10 minutes.

Never tell then anything about your life - completely restrict access to your child and use excuses to keep away. This weekend we have plans, next weekend we are helping the other grandparents.

They will notice - they will gossip - you just keep your distance and if your wife decides like myself to drop in - short visits. The children are home she needs to get back because you are leaving for a trip.

You just have to put firm boundaries in place and stop caring what they think. If the other siblings become openly abusive - block them everywhere.

These families are trapped in cycles of abuse no amount of counselling or resolutions will help. They are toxic they will never change. Never.

Set your boundaries and live a peaceful life.

Go to you tube find Dr Ramani - her videos will be a whole education and healing. It will help your scape goat wife to detach from her “monster” family.

I love my husband he’s gorgeous and I love my gorgeous children - no one is going to get away with abusing my wonderful family. Find your strength and climb out the toxic whirlwind - these people add nothing but stress to your life.

Distance yourselves before it impacts your mental health further.

Love peace and blessings to your family and to all who suffer the Narcissistic family.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

As for the wedding - night before or on the day give them news of bereavement - do not attend! You can’t attend you’re in mourning.

Only the death of someone can get you out of this awful wedding. Be vague about who it is - just don’t give them details.

If you decide to go - well invent a problem and make a mad dash out of there! Personally I’d use the bereavement excuse. If they kick up a fuss in future - your wife can just say you have put your foot down and she can’t attend - they wouldn’t want to be openly accused of causing marital issues.

It’s drama drama drama with these families you just have to arm yourself with an ace up your sleeve!

If you don’t go to the wedding - book a nice weekend away or day out so your wife doesn’t feel bad.

You will outsmart them!

Do this for your family.

Much love ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

This is something I'm very familiar with. I've experienced it in a family that I married into. I saw kids picked, adults and then it turned to me when I stood up for myself and it hasn't stopped. I found out it is actually an offense and if it can be proven you can take the person/s to court for psychological abuse.

@Jay2704 , @Bitcherton , I really feel for you : I've been with my wife for 7 years and remarkably similar patterns of abuse from my in-laws kept her with no self esteem whatsoever. We do not have children, but both wanted several.

I am canadian and she is italian, we had been 2 years together in western Canada where we met and things seemed fine except for a few red flags I had not picked up when the in-laws and her brother visited us one Christmas. Then we moved to Italy and the situation became quite clear with them ganging up systematically on my wife as we were setting up our wedding. They just vomited on her and me a bit less explicitely just as the wedding happened, things like "you're marrying just so he (me) can stay in Europe" all in front of both of us while bashing my wife and basically ignoring me and what I was saying. I had a bit of drama from my own sister for the wedding but solar-system scales apart though. In any case we managed to go through this happy event without too many apparent bruises.

A while after I was to go to nearby Croatia for a post-doc, but the professor there wanted a slave not a researcher so I didn't go and my wife insisted so much that we stay on her parents terrain in the countryside. Obviously this was very fishy for me, but she insisted insisted and recalled we didn't have much as she was subbing in schools and I just finished my studies with no jobs and a change of career ahead (she also has a PhD) so I made the error of saying ok for the meantime. Not sure at what degree this was the italian vs the abused that made her want to stay next to them so much, but things got just worse : my wife's brother also was behaving like her parents towards us. Sometimes at dinners everyone would recall how the brother was so great at school becoming a respected doctor etc. and how my wife was so bad at geography in high school -- of course having a post-doc, being quadrilingual and having lived and worked in five countries meant my wife was a failure and deserved to be treated like !@#$%?!&*!!!.

After two years I managed to convince my wife to move out to a place of ours to build our relationship and our family, then the in-laws guilt tripped her the ore. I had also told my wife in many diplomatic and exlicit and direct ways I was not going to have kids with her while she kept obeying her parents systematically as they vomited on her -- the idea like @Bitcherton is to protect my future children. Just like @Jay2704 describes, during the whole time in Italy and really even before that I had been attempting to heal back my wife continuously as she was destroyed and crying so so many times over the pain inflicted.

Years passed and we came to Québec after a big process that included having emotional peace as well as the job market versus the cost of life. However, we were paralyzed by the $#!@%?&#!!!! immigration process that makes you wait for 8 months denying the rights of the spouse of a citizen to function, that does not recognize qualifications, etc. so after 11 months my wife went back to Italy in principle to at least get a qualification to teach after much stress (also from both families, but especially her parents who made sure she felt bad throughout) and negativisim which made me close up. The paroxism of the in-laws free ganging attacks on my wife were in the weeks as we left Italy to the point I wondered how can humans who treat their own daughter like that can reach 65+ years old without having been like put in jail or something or lynched by their co-nationals !! Of course they hide behind the privacy of their homes and the shame they instill in the victims.

Then I visited her a couple of months after and she said she didn't love me and she wanted to separate. I was really shattered... it has now been 10 months and I haven't yet fully recovered although I am better than last Winter/Spring. She pretexted "I had not been there for her" and I "had put distance between her and her family". And since last January she's been pushing for divorce asap... so I guess the bully in-laws win with their destroying my wonderful wife's self and making sure she could not ever aspire to a live of non-pessimism.

I've been reading lots of psychology to get myself, better introspect, etc. non-violent communication and great processes that will enrich my present and future forever, and we sporadically talk... but in a sense at this point even if I have always cared and loved her I feel there has been little for me in the past years. I will need to be more careful for when I eventually try to meet another woman about the in-laws but, at least, I will see many red flags coming this time around.

So courage @Jay2704 , @Bitcherton , I would like to send you lots of positive waves and love and support through the electrons of the internet.
Take care of yourselves too as so often I forgot myself in all this permanent emotional warzone. Lots of ❤ and peace too to all.