I feel so lonely

[Alexis92]

I think this will be a long post so thanks in advance if you make it all the way to the end!

I've just turned 30 and as I sit here and evaluate my life I just feel so lonely. I relocated to a different area of the country to be with my STBXH and everyone I knew was through him. We separated last year initiated by me. Being locked down with him during covid made me realise how unhappy I was and we had some fundamental issues that could not be resolved. I expected that I would lose some of our mutual friends but pretty much all have "taken sides" and chose him, like I've actively not been invited to social events that he has and I have found that really painful. I do have two very good friends, one of whom is my friend solely but they have their own lives and I don't expect them to always spend time with me. I think some of them choosing him is because I have rubbed people up the wrong way in the past. I am not afraid to speak my mind about certain topics which hasn't always gone down well when my STBXH has always been a people pleaser sit on the fence type. I've been really upset as I know one friend actively said they were taking my ex's side despite never having been particularly close to him (they are a mutual acquaintance) and not having heard my side.

I guess behind all this is a fear I am turning into my mother. I cut her out of my life 2 years ago due to a very toxic relationship with her. She now has no one besides her boyfriend. My Dad (they were separated) died 10 years ago. My sister doesn't speak to me after a very petty argument 2 years ago initiated by her (she also doesn't speak to our mum) and I did try and extend an olive branch recently but received no response. My once good relationship with my elderly Aunty has become strained too. Pre-Covid I would visit regularly. Then during Covid I couldn't and I'll admit I did not call as often as I could have as I was struggling with lockdowns and the breakdown of my marriage. When I do call and visit her now I can sense an "offness" with her.

This post is a bit rambly and woe is me. I do just feel very lonely as I navigate this process. Have other people experienced this? How did you make it through the other side?

I lost the friend group with my ex as well- and worst of all he didn't want to stay friends with any of them. He did an overhaul of all of us in the end.

I made new friends at work and going back to uni for a masters. I'm foreign and worked in a office with lots of other foreigners. British people have all their childhood friends whereas us without a base are often more open to new people.

Good luck!

The 'offness' with your Aunt - would it be worth going to visit and see if that's real or imagined? There could be another reason. The reason you've assumed doesn't seem like a reason at all. Presumably she could have called you as easy as you could have called her? You were going through a relationship breakup and had other things on your mind. She ought to understand that. If she's punishing you for not calling enough under those circumstances then she isn't a very nice person.

That aside, you can make new friends. It isn't unusual to go through 'dry' spells at certain times in your life. Although it sounds like you have 2 good friends, you could maybe build on that through hobbies, work, interest groups etc?

Do you think your 'speaking your mind' habit is pushing people away? I sometimes meet people who take some pride in saying 'I always speak my mind' / 'I say it as I see it' etc. As though it's something to be proud of. But actually, tact and diplomacy are more useful to get on with people and make friendships. That isn't the same as lying, but you don't always have to say what's in your head, if it will just hurt or anger the other person.

Changing from passive to active makes such a difference. Sounds like you are living life passively, letting things happen to you rather than making conscious decisions about the direction of your life.

You don't have to turn into your mother if you don't want to.
You don't have to live in a place where you have no friends if you don't want to.
You don't have to wait to be left out - make plans yourself

and so on.

There also aren't really 'sides' in life yet you seem to feel there is a real 'you vs them' in life against everyone. Is this harming your relationships?

Hobbies. You need a hobby.

There also aren't really 'sides' in life yet you seem to feel there is a real 'you vs them' in life against everyone. Is this harming your relationships?

Seriously? A lot of people take sides when a marriage ends.

Life is bluddy hard. 5 years ago I was pregnant with My second child. In a solid relationship. Buying a house. Planning a future as a family unit. Enjoying an annual trip to the south coast.

5 years on. We split up in December 2020. Our relationship had been dead for 2 years sexually and we didn't have fun together. There was no spark. I didn't want him physically anymore and found him dull. I fell in love with a grounds worker. He's 14 years older than me. He is currently on his arse and hasn't much to offer me. But we say we want a future. So we are going to try aim for it. My ex isn't wanting to sell the house or go our own ways. So we are in a dysfunctional set up for now.

Nothing in my opinion has destroyed lives and relationships like 2020. It has completely changed people. You are one of many of us who have ended up lonely and walking away from relationships that you had time to actually think about.

I don't have much advice. I'm almost 33 and my life is a pickle right now and will be for the foreseeable. X

I've found mutual friends don't take sides based on who was right or wrong in a breakup. They base their 'loyalty' on pure selfish reasons - who entertains them most, who enhances their social life most etc etc.

There are few topics where speaking your mind doesn't backfire in friendships. And the topics where speaking up is worthwhile, such as racism, homophobia, abuse etc, mean those people should not be your friends anyway. If it's those type of topics you mean, then those 'friends' are no lose anyway!

That said you're only 30! There's a whole world of new and exciting friends out there - big adventures and possibilities.

Also struggling after the breakdown of a relationship. What strikes me is that you need a fresh purpose and to reframe the ‘you versus them’ mentality. I think you might be going into every interaction thinking there is an oddness and that’s permeating everything. Are you perhaps looking for coolness in every meeting?

You are not your mother, you can now forge your own path. Rewrite the narrative.

What do you need the most?

I found a post above interesting the one that says British people have their childhood friends. I don’t. I was bullied at school and have no childhood friends. I find a lot of people move around now and British people need friends too, if someone has a big group of friends then it puts me off getting to know them. If I was you, think about going back to Uni and doing a course and building up friendships that way?