How to help my lovely neighbour who is being abused by her partner?

[Milomonster]

Hello
I would be grateful for any tips on how to help my neighbour who is being verbally abused by her OH. She’s the most wonderful woman - kind, gentle, but looking increasingly fragile. When I saw her outside, she always looked close to tears. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I heard the most awful shouting from an argument they were having. I could hear their child was distressed (they have two young kids). A couple of days later, I saw her and she apologized for the noise and broke down in tears. I invited her in and we had a long chat. She said he just explodes out of nowhere and calls her a fucking bitch in front in the kids. She doesn’t have access to joint finances or her own income (said she has used her savings) looks after her two young kids, or any family to turn to. She’s from E Europe and wouldn’t return to her home country. LTB doesn’t seem an option for her. She said I was the first person she has spoken to. He hasn’t physically hit her. Last night he totally lost it and called her a fucking animal.

I said that we should go for a coffee or a walk once a week, but she’s cancelled on me twice. I am really worried about the state of her mental health. Please could I have some advice on how to help her.

Would this be an ok text to send her:

Hi neighbour. I’m worried about you. I know Bastard OH is home today but if you are out, I can meet you as I’m at home. I don’t want to interfere in your life unnecessarily but you need help. I don’t want you to feel alone.

That text could put her in danger op as well intentioned as it is, I do understand your frustration though.

I haven’t sent it as I don’t know if he has access to her phone.

Please please please don't send a msg like that, especially if he's at home. You could put her in serious danger.
1st port of call is to contact the national domestic abuse helpline & get some proper advice not MN.

I would phone the police every time you hear abuse taking place. She may not want to press charges just now, but there may come a time when she will need evidence of prior abuse.

@Fayekrista Your post is quite aggressive. Why shouldn’t I post on MN?? There are countless threads in domestic abuse, and I find MN to be full of people with helpful advice. Your comment about not posting in MN could apply to anything. But yes, the helpline is a good suggestion.

Every time you hear something, call 999. That's the strongest way to help her now.

It might be worth you having a Google to see if there are any EE domestic abuse services or phone lines. She might find it easier to speak to someone from own culture/own language.

I think @Fayekrista advice was spot on and not aggressive in the slightest.

I can see you mean well but be careful.

@BobLep0nge very helpful. Thank you. I will do that. She seems very isolated and so this might be an avenue for support.

The next time you see her and the bastard oh isn't around, make it clear that you are free for a chat or just a quiet cup of coffee whenever she needs it. Also if she needs to keep anything safe (passports etc), you would be happy to help.

Just keep contacting her regularly, even if it's just to knock on her door and ask if she'd like to come to yours for a coffee.

This will mean that you keep the lines of communication open, so when/if she's ready to ask for help, you'll be there.

Find out about local aid available and contact Womens Aid for advice and contact info for any agencies who could help. This will mean that you can pass on this info if she ever asks for help.

Phone the police ever time you hear the abuse, just ask for it to be confidential as you don't want the H knowing who has contacted the police.

To add to some of the excellent suggestions above -

Read up on DV. Lundy bancroft's book is a good place to start - actually, see if it's available in her language and offer to keep it safe at your house for her. Also if you can talk to someone in WA or even see if your neighbour can that would be brilliant.

Make yourself as grey as possible where he's concerned. Abusers isolate their victims particularly when they think you can spot who they are. Be friendly with him so he doesn't suspect you know anything other than a nodding -terms neighbour even if you become close friends.

Offer to keep a 'grab bag' at your house of some basics for the kids, and important documents/copies of those if she needs to leave urgently or he locks her out at some point.

Keep any written communication with her - text or whatever carefully worded. Assume he monitors everything so text accordingly. Any support you want to offer her, do it in person, away from the house - in case he's got spyware hidden.

Understand that there may be times where she may blank you in the street, or ignore you for a while, or even deliberately fall out with you. She may be doing that for her safety or even yours. So never take it personally, assume it's under duress or that she's just not ready yet to leave and take the tack that your door will always be open to her when she needs.

It may take several attempts to leave. It's the hardest scariest thing to do and takes immense courage - the fear of what he will do if she tries to leave is a valid one. Abusers are at their most dangerous at this time. The choice can feel like stay and get beaten or leave and get killed.

Some brilliant advice already given. Another helpful point is to agree a safe word which she can use.

She can drop it innocuously into conversation or a message and it means she's not OK, call the police.

It can be as simple as calling you by a nickname or your full name instead of a nickname. It just needs to be easy to remember.

Definitely keep lines of communication open, invite her round for coffee. Always be pleasant to her oh and by careful what you say and how you say it - always assume he listens/reads messages.

Don't pressure her to do anything she's not ready to do. DV victims already struggle with feelings of shame and hopelessness, they need to feel that their options are safe ones to take and not be made to deal guilty.

loads of info of Refuge and Women's Aid about how to address this and how to support her.

Don't overload her with info. I've found giving solutions to individual problems that are stopping them from taking the next step helps. Remember she might forget what you tell her because she's in survival mode so keep an eye out for when she has to remind her (a gentle "don't forget that..")

Your role is to be reassuring, gentle and safe so that she feels safe enough to gradually take the next steps.

Emphasise that while she's not in control of him she is control of what happens next and everything can be done at her pace, it's all OK.

Make yourself as grey as possible where he's concerned.

This. Best advice to really help someone in this situation. We'd all like to say how to solve the problem but short of taking on financial responsibility for someone, you shouldn't do things that they should do for themselves.

999

when you hear raised voices, screaming, shouting etc. They have children? Maybe social services?

as well

If she’s breaking down in tears in front of you, something seriously wrong. Ring Womens Aid on how best to proceed.

If she feels ready to leave then NCDV will help sort legal support

Women's aid are good

I also agree with just being there and showing little acts of kindness. For me they were the reminders how people are supposed to treat each other. And even little pockets of sanctuary gave me an escape.

And you very much should call the /social services if you have concerns for their safety

Thank you all. Really great practical advice here and how to think about it.

Yes - I am chatting to him as normal when I see him. I’m being conscious of not coming across as distant. He absolutely must know I know what goes on as the walls have no sound insulation. Last night, it felt like the noise was from my own flat.

Once, I was having a chat with her in the communal area and he came out and went up the stairs, which was odd, but I guess he wanted to know what we were talking about.

Re blanking in the street - yes, I noticed this yesterday. I was heading towards our home and she crossed the street. I’m sure she saw me.

Because of her own personal experiences as a child, she said she doesn’t want to break her family, and her kids not have a father figure. She explained her financial situation and she really wouldn’t cope in London with two young kids.

I think he is very controlling. I offered for her to put her son to sleep in my bedroom as the building noise above their flat was so disruptive. She did once and then said her OH wouldn’t allow her do it again.

she said she doesn’t want to break her family, and her kids not have a father figure

Well if he ramps up the abuse, the kids could end up with nobody, let alone a father figure.

I still think Womens Aid the way to go for advice on this situation. It’s easy to get “caught up in things” and not necessarily make things any better for anyone.

@FurPunt I definitely will contact them. You are right.

Hi OP, understand you worry. I had it for my DS 6 years ago,as there were many cases in the area at the time and no issue.