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Original poster

Am I being mean to DH about housework?

45 replies

anniemouse · 19/11/2004 14:02

dh drives me nuts about housework. Ok he will help but whenever he does a job it is NEVER done properly. Eg If he empties the bins around the house - he'll always leave one, if he puts on the steriliser, he never puts the bottles together afterwards etc etc. All this means is invariably I'll have to spend time finishing them off. I wouldn't mind, but I do the majority of the housework as it is.

Am I being mean to him when I complain to him about it?

OP posts:

WigandRobe · 19/11/2004 19:44

Message deleted

Moomin · 20/11/2004 09:41

i don't think it's genetic, i think it's learned behaviour. From the age of 9 I lived with my dad and brother and housework was done to the absolute minimum. we all got very used to the lack of pristine worksurfaces and the bathroom was awful. It was only when i started bring friends home as a teenager and going to other people's houses that i realised not eveyone';s house was like ours. But i have to say, i just never noticed the dirt/mess at all. and i spose it's the same with most blokes who are brought up in houses where little is expected and our lovely mils tend to their every need. the more a bloke had to do at home, the better at housework he is. I'm still like this with housework - i truely don't notice the little details.
this theory can also be tested out with men who are/were in the armed forces and are trained to be clean and tidy - they are conditioned to notice dirt and less.

Moomin · 20/11/2004 09:42

mess not less!

Tortington · 20/11/2004 15:43

i think you should do him a star chart.

no really come on people, men arnt a different species and this shit wouldnt stand up in court if not washing the dishes was a hanging offence would " m'lud, we all know men are a different species you must excuse them - whereas women are presupposed to doing this kind of thing"

bollox. standards arn't different, they arnt diferent - the difference is your all stupid enough to do it for them

will that do lou

Tortington · 20/11/2004 15:47

learned behaviour doesnt cut it either, my dh lived in a household whre his dad did his fair share of housework - whenever i walked in at a weekend his dad was always washing and drying clothes and putting socks into balls etc. however when i got married my dh wanted the corners of his bread buttered for his sandwiches and his shirts for the week ironed and his tea on the table when he walked in - so i chucked him out for 3 months - 15 years later he was miraculously cured.

if they want a mummy - they should go home - if they want a maid they should fking well hire one. in my house no one has a disability which precludes them from houswork. therefore they do their bit.

codswallop · 20/11/2004 16:02

but our deal is that he goes to work and i work at home

lou33 · 20/11/2004 16:03

go custy!

been really hoping you would see this!

CountessDracula · 20/11/2004 16:14

Our deal is that I go to work, dh goes to work and the cleaner does the cleaning....
other than that dh does more than his fair share.

codswallop · 20/11/2004 16:15

yes I woudl do that if I worked
mind you its cheaper for the dsses to go to nursery and me to clean

joash · 20/11/2004 16:17

My god!! who the hell's custardo - I like this person and totally agree her comments.

When DH lived with his parents he never lifted a finger, used to be woken up with a drink taken to him in bed, etc. He honestly thought that he was gonna get the same treatment when we moved in together - Bollocks to that. He soon came around to the idea that it's just as much his responsibility as it is mine, or anyone else who lives in the house.

He's only ever complained once and I did absolutely nothing for two days. The kids were all under 9 at this time and had two of their friends staying (after the first hour, it looked like a bomb had been dropped on the entire house). He never complained or expected me to do everything again.

Whoever's in our house does what needs doing.
And I should admit that when we're both at home, he probably does more than I do.

CountessDracula · 20/11/2004 16:19

I once tried to iron dh's shirts and he got cross and told me that he was perfectly capable of doing it himself.....

bonym · 20/11/2004 22:10

I'd only complain if dh expected me to do stuff to a higher standard than he does. I think that just because he doesn't do things as "well' or thoroughly as I would doesn't necessarily mean that they're not done adequately - I am notoriously fussy (virgo of course )! DH never needs to be asked to do anything, and does loads in the house as well as working long hours. I iron his shirts much better than he does, but he usually does his own and is happy with them the way he does them. Ditto other stuff - if he is happy living with things the way that he does them (iykwim) who's to say that I'm right just because I like them done "better"? Ooh I'm so fair and reasonable!!!!

bonym · 20/11/2004 22:12

Or maybe just very in love...

serenequeen · 20/11/2004 22:21

oh thank god someone has finally posted something like this!

on paper dh is wonderful, he does loads but in practice...

to give him credit, he - er, how to phrase this - "has responded well to constructive criticism" - but still, as people have said, he is a grown man and i get really pee'd off when things aren't done properly.

i also can't believe how often i read here on MN that we should be grateful for any efforts from men regardless of how poorly executed. oh yeah right, like i will be cut slack in my male dominated work environment if i do a bollox job of something just because i am a woman.

but he really doesn't see mess/dirt the same way i do - literally doesn't see it until pointed out... it's not just training or whatever, he has a different mindset, vision whatever...

so the short answer is no i don't think you are being mean, and i would/do complain in the same situation.

dinosaur · 21/11/2004 15:01

I'm with tarantula on this one - in our house it's DH who's the perfectionist and is always telling me off for my sloppy ways. A list of my crimes includes:

not refilling the kettle immediately after making cups of tea/coffee
washing up but not drying up straight away
putting rubbish in the bins straight after he's emptied them (dunno where I am supposed to put it!)
putting whatever's in the dirty clothes basket into the washing machine and running it without exhaustively examining the entire house for other garments etc that could do with a wash

Could go on but won't bother (another job not completed there!).

Caligula · 21/11/2004 15:21

Why is re-filling the kettle a good thing to do? I would have thought it's best to have water fresh from the tap for the next cup of tea. I don't like the thought of water standing around in a kettle for ages before I turn it on. In fact, I empty it out if and re-fill it if it's been there for any longer than about half an hour. Am I wierd? Or is your DH wierd, Dinosaur?

serenequeen · 21/11/2004 15:42

dino, i'm afraid those are heinous crimes and imo they should throw away the key...

myermay · 21/11/2004 15:48

Message withdrawn

kelli22 · 23/11/2004 20:41

gotta add something to this thread, i am 22 my dp is 23 we have a 5 yr old dd, we bth work F/T and we both do as much as the other, i can't for the life of me understand the women who will do everything for their dp's i can understand doing things for love - ie my dp had yesterday off work but he still got up at 6am and ran me a bath, not because i wanted him to or asked him to just because he loves me (which after all is y we're together)
and in turn i will sometimes do things for him - ie cook for him, occasionally iron him a shirt. but we both do as much and y not??
why should either of us not do our fair share, we have a child neither of us need the other to act like one, i certainly will not be running around after him like i do for dd and there is one simple reason for this - i dont have to to because he is as capable as i am...
i think women all over the world should take on this attitude and make men realise we are no longer their slaves we are their equals!! ;)
this is not to say that some jobs shouldnt be done by men/women but if 1 is better/quicker at it then it should be done by that person but this doesnt mean the other should do bugga all. in our house if one of us gets up to do something the other will usually get up and do something aswel, as theres always something to be done... the other day we both de-iced and cleaned the fridge! (together) and y not! lol

munnzieb · 23/11/2004 21:12

i'm fairly lucky as DH has to be neat and tidy etc for work so he does it normally at home, we split the house in half and do half each, but normally thou as i work fri and he's off he'll give the whole house a good goin thru then and he'll cook tea. we have a deal who evas in first coks and the other washes, I did say thou when I stop work i'll do the house work as he'll be working F/T anyways, I will of course thou still get him to clean the cooker, as i don't have the patience to do it properly!

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