Just ranting really. I’m not suicidal or wanting to hurt myself. I just hate my life.
10 years ago I had it all, lovely partner, I was just about to finish university with a good degree, and then I could of got the job of my dreams.
But then my lovely partner turned out to be not so lovely when I moved in with him, he was violent, abusive and controlling but I was pregnant and couldn’t get out.
I got out. But I hate myself and my life.
My DC is perfect, don’t get that wrong. But I hate being a single mum, never enough money for the things we really need let alone the things we want. Feeling like a failure because I can’t afford to pay for the school trip, and school saying it’s fine and to send them anyway, feeling bad because they have to wait another month for the shoes that really help their condition because it’s just too much this month.
Working a dead end retail job because my dream job is just too much when I have no childcare – school don’t have a wrap around, none of the schools locally do so the one provider locally has 2 waiting lists for places both full and it’s a similar story with the childminders.
Unable to move house to get a better school or job for DC because there’s a CAO that says I have to live within 15 minutes’ drive of ExH and I don’t have the money to go back to court to get the order varied.
Everyone said leaving him was the start of my life, but it wasn’t. I keep hoping it is but it’s been almost 5 years now and nothing changes. I try to change but I can’t.
Everything to do with DC is my responsibility, childcare, school uniforms, clothes, medications, anything to do with their conditions. All down to me. But it’s ok because he has her for 26 nights a year, and he’s a “good” dad for that.
While I barely scrape by he’s driving a brand new car and CMS can’t get a penny out of him because he earns nothing apparently. I can’t even afford to run a car.
I often sometimes regret leaving him. At least when I was with him even though I was getting hit and pushed about and controlled, at least my DC had the things they needed and I didn’t worry everytime I get a phonecall or the post arrives.
At least I knew my place in the world, and I wasn’t trapped in some halfway house where nothing can get better easily – the longer I stay in my retail job the harder it’ll be to get into my dream career – I never started it, and I so wished I had because then my DC would have a way better life.