Does being NC ever get easier?

[DottieP89]

We went NC with my PIL's when my DS was very very young. Twice (stupidly) we have offered an olive branch believing they'd take accountability for their treatment of us and listen to us and try to understand our boundaries and reasons for needing them. Both times I was spoken to like absolute , completely refuse to accept they have been wrong, turn it around on to us and say horrible things trying to upset us. We blocked their numbers after the last message so they sent DH a letter to try and hurt him even more. They have told their family lies about us and why neither of their children want anything to do with them.

I'm so emotionally drained with it all. I have been seeing a therapist for a while but I just feel like it's never going to end. I don't want my DS or any future children to have to go through this. I want them to have a healthier upbringing than what DH and his brother had.

Please tell me that things settled for you if you went NC and it didn't affect your children.

I've been no contact with my in-laws for about eight years. My husband still sees them, although rarely.

You'll find that extended family will eventually see through them (without you having to say much).

Going no contact has been amazing!

Almost five years for me now. It was a horrible rollercoaster of emotions in the first year or so but I hardly ever think about them now unless someone else mentions them.

She did show up at the door recently and acted like nothing had ever happened and was hoping everyone else would adopt this weird, collective amnesia and fall into step because she had decided it was time.

It does get easier, just hang in there.

My daughter has been an abusive Narcissist since I can remember. Her father is a Narcissist and it is genetic...
I divorced her dad after 2 years when I was 22. My parenting ( I was young and dumb) also contributed to this. I was by myself, feeling guilt about leaving her dad and over indulged ( Not with material things, but with too much praise. )
I am now 74 and she is 52. I went low contact with her 5 years ago and then Jan 8...I was done.
She wrote on FB that she never had a good role model growing up...that she had to be her own role model.
I responded by saying, " Gee I thought that as a single mother with 2 children and graduating from college while NOT receiving child support for 18 years was being a role model."
She let me have it good.. Texted me VILE..and I mean VILE words. "Never contact me again. Do you think that post was about you?
(Well since I was the only one who raised her who else? Her dad saw her once a year..and all grandparents and family lived far away)
She then said, " My world has never revolved around you... blah, blah.. freakin blah.."
So the feelings I had for her were blown out of my heart..like sniffing out a candle.
Like @buddylicious said, "Going no contact has been amazing!
"I don't want my DS or any future children to have to go through this. I want them to have a healthier upbringing than what DH and his brother had."
Then don't...
They sound like horrible people. Just ghost them. You don't have to have the last word. After my daughter said, " Don't contact me again.." I won't. Inform them that you are not going to speak to them or see them again.. ( through text or email) because of their abusive behavior and don't engage.
Your child will be so much better too.
I would advise you to watch you tube videos on the subject...such good adice about " Grey rocking and NC. " Good Luck! My life is so much better by a million.

No contact is great. Your life is free of emotional draining incidents ..stick with it.

@Bogeyes

No contact is great. Your life is free of emotional draining incidents ..stick with it.

I should have done it years ago... YEARS ago.. but the, " Mom I need and miss you and blah, blah...You were the best mom.." Bullshit kept coming and I would go back. .................... Only to be told when I did, " You ARE nothing but a LIAR... never been in my corner...that's why I have trouble with me.." And I would say... "It's OK... we've always butted heads. I l love you and so glad you are my daughter..I know you TRULY didn't mean those mean things...etc. And we would attempt to repair... but this last time something clicked with me to the point that I thought to myself..." This is absolutely crazy that I'm putting up with this from MY daughter! DONE I'm even tattooing on my ankle a little ghost with 1/8/22 the date of my NC. I will never go back to her...never, ever in a million years. DONE.

And she thinks SHE went NC...ha..
She doesn't realize it that I beat her to the punch!

Yes, it does. The first 2-3 years were a rollercoaster, as they lashed out at us in various ways to try to cause hurt. Things have settled now as we have taken steps to ensure they can’t get at us. I rarely think of them now. It does take time but it definitely gets better.

Well you haven't properly gone NC. Don't do anything that means you interact with them. If other people try to mention them have stock statements ready to shut it down. 'I won't be discussing that' 'I'd prefer to tall about something else' etc.

Keep in mind the following, it isn't a competition or a battle anymore. That the whole point on NC. You are taking yourself out of the game and therefore there is no winning or losing. Not getting one over or proving a point. You are simply no longer in the game and so no longer need to give it any thought or emotion. You need to try to see them as no more relevant your life than that office pal you had in your first job or that teacher you had for music. People who may once have had a role but now don't get any of your thoughts or emotional energy.

@SomuddledSomuddled
Best advice ever.
IF someone asks me I always say .." That's between me and my daughter." That stops the conversation quickly too.

I think the hardest concept for those suffering at the abuse of their poisonous relationships is that their abusers will continually want to have the LAST word.
" But I was good...don't you remember I bought your car? I took you to the zoo... I did this..we're family etc. et nauseum.
After you announce to them ( or ghost them) that you can't take their abuse anymore and that you are done with them.
That should be your last comment to them. They will fight, berate, cry, plead etc. Do NOT reply.
If you do reply they will continue with the same abusive behavior and/or kiss your ass until you change you mind.
Do NOT contact them again after you say you are done. PERIOD.

Thanks all. I'm glad it gets easier, we're both so fed up of the nastiness when things don't go their way. We won't be having any contact either. We blocked their numbers and we didn't reply to the letter. It was probably her way to get the last word in. Neither DH or his brother have anything to do with their parents or that side of the family. Too much has gone on for any reconciliation and we realise now that they aren't going to change.

We're looking forward to a happy life without them. I have a big family that all treat DH as their own so he will have all the family support he needs and didn't get from his own.

I think it's difficult being NC if they are your direct relative. You may grieve the relationship. I prefer low contact for my difficult family members. My MIL on the other hand is a nightmare and consumed with jealousy that has nothing to do with me and stems from DP's childhood. There's no fixing it and after she started shouting at me for no good reason I've cut her off. DP is still seeing her but it's awkward and he's becoming avoidant from her. His family side with her but she's very manipulative so that doesn't surprise me. I'm ok with it all and would rather have it out in the open than the horrible sort of festering fake niceness anyway.

@PiperPosey

And she thinks SHE went NC...ha.. She doesn't realize it that I beat her to the punch!

Jesus Piper you sound scary.

Most people go NC with a lot of sadness and regret. You're gloating!

I went no contact with my mum in nearly 15 years. I've heard nothing since, I'm pleased to say.

It does get easier. It's freeing! I no longer remember them on special occasions and Mother's Day is fine for me now.

The only negative is that I lost touch with all siblings and relatives who must have 'sided' with her. Also the judgement from some people, thinking there's something wrong with you, not to be in touch with your family, or you must be to blame - so much that I've considered lying and saying she's dead and I was an only child.

The truth is that despite their respectable facade I was abused for years by them, but it was more minor behaviour from them that prompted me to go NC in the end.

I've had no contact that should say.

fwiw OP I was very LC with bio. mother after 5 years NC until she died. and also very LC with my adoptive father.

It hurts, it carries on hurting but it is far better than the mind games and destructiveness than being in contact. My older son is sad about no contact with his grandfather but we have a dearly beloved older friend who takes the place of a grandad. He is actually interested in kids and chooses to spend time with them, and not to criticise them, drag them down and permanently make sure they know They Are In The Wrong. My father made me so nervous that when he was around I'd fuck up tasks I could do perfectly competently when he wasn't there, and made it perfectly clear he thinks I'm worthless and hopeless. I still wish I could get his approval, but my kids won't have to grow up with that sad, inachievable longing from someone who is pre-determined to think badly of them.

@Ijsbear

Most people go NC with a lot of sadness and regret. You're gloating!

OH sadness and regret filled me for the 5 years of the low contact grey rocking. Trust me. My baby girl...my child ...I miss her and then...
I snapped. You can't put a rubber band back together once it's snapped.
When I moved to Florida she said, " Well, you will just be another old lady who lives in Florida that NO one gives a shit about. " That was 11 years ago.
I'm NOT scary. I'm free from her screaming on the phone at me. Slamming doors, calling me such cruel, terrible and abusive names. It's NOT a once of. It's at least 38 years of this. ( and all of these years I was filled with nothing but sad and regret)

Two things that she cares about. Appearance and money. She continues to tell her children that they need to lose weight. I see my grandbabies cry ( Mom's on a rant again about our weight.) It breaks my heart.
Thank God they come see me in Florida at 19 and 21. I will never say and unkind word to them about their mother. I just want them to feel safe and loved.
So I am NOT gloating...I want others to know that with NC your life can be so much better.
My daughter is not a nice person. I've seen the lives she has destroyed in her wake. She did it to me and she never can hurt me again.
So many times she has told me I'm dead to her. DONE

Yes, it does get easier. It's quite similar to grief, I felt, I mourned the relationship and it was extremely painful for the first couple of years, not day to day, but around anniversaries for instance, but after that it just settled into a dull ache for what should have been. When my NC relative died, after many years of NC, it was a shock at first, but I felt my grieving had already been done. Like doing it in reverse, so it just didn't hurt as much as I'd expected. But honestly just do it, step away, it is bloody amazing to cut the crap out of your life for good. And if people don't understand (many won't, "but they're faaaaamily!!!") and you feel up to explaining why, have a couple of shocking incidents to trot out. It can be quite satisfying to see the look on people's faces when confronted with that kind of information. Or just don't discuss it, I never used to. Now I don't give a damn!

I haven't seen or spoken to my mother and brothers for 2.5 years now. Occasionally I miss them and then I remember something else and thank my lucky stars they ended our relationship (over covid....)