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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need some advice - he has refused to leave, what can I do now?

22 replies

chocyholic · 03/01/2008 20:28

I've looked for private rented and I can't find anything within travelling distance of dcs school, because I have 2 big dogs & 2 dcs. I don't want to go through the council, as I'll wait for years and the only place I can go is a really rough estate. DS has been bullied (verbally) by DH for years, and I'm worried he'll be bullied there. I can afford to keep this house until it sells, and then I can afford a nice, very small house somewhere nicer with my half of the proceeds. I have told dh to leave, he will find private rented easily, just being by himself. Things went wrong a while ago and I said I wanted to split up, but he just ignored me. He's refusing to go, saying it's his home. And he's still ignoring me, carrying on as if it's all in my head. He hasn't been physically agressive, but is very verbally agressive to me and ds on a daily basis now. Do I have any legal rights to make him go, anyone? He has agreed to sell the house and then split up, but houses here have been up for sale for 3 years and still not sold! I can't wait that long! I think he realises it will take years to sell and just thinks I'll give up.

OP posts:

sophierosie · 03/01/2008 20:32

Have you seen a solicitor? It does sound rather as if he really doesn't think you are serious, or he's being deliberately arse and is trying to make life as difficult and unpleasant for you all

Tortington · 03/01/2008 20:34

you need to see a solicitor - fromw hat you have said he has as much right to stay in the house if he contributes to the mortgage as you do. - all you can do is maintain a seperate lifestyle - seperate rooms - over time you must sort out the finances - who pays what what comes out of the seperate bank accounts - put the house on the market and instigate divorce proceedings - he should get the hint

holidaywonk · 03/01/2008 20:38

You can get free advice from the CAB - they will be able to help you to decide what to do. It sounds as though you might have to go ahead and start divorce proceedings to make him realise that you mean business.

MAMAZON · 03/01/2008 20:42

you can go to your local county court and obtain a non molestation and inhabitancy order.

it means that if the judge decides your partner will be required by law to leave the house. be warned though that there will be a second date in which you will need to go back to court and your H can then give his POV. it will be up to the judge to decide whether he shouuld leave or not.

as far as i know this costs about £70 but you may be able to get this reduced if you can show you are on a low income (it may even be free if on certain benefits)

this can all be done by yourself but if you do not feel capable you can contact your local CAB who can guide you through the process.

Original poster

chocyholic · 03/01/2008 20:51

he hasnt molested me, though, does this matter?

OP posts:

MAMAZON · 03/01/2008 22:42

no. its basicly what is commonly known as an injunction.

the non mol and the inhabitancy order are on the same form basicly thats all.

dragonstitcher · 04/01/2008 10:15

You sound as though you are in a similar situation to me. I contacted Womens Aid yesterday after advice from MNers. They are going to help me work out what my options are.

Original poster

chocyholic · 04/01/2008 16:17

what did they say,dragonstitcher?

OP posts:

Original poster

chocyholic · 04/01/2008 16:23

I've just found your July? post - your situation sounds very similar. My DH used to be a nice bloke when he was in a good mood too, but eventually even that wore off, and he's only nice when he's with other people. Which is very rarely, because he doesnt go out. I suggested that he went to stay with a friend until he sorted out somewhere else to live, but he said he doesn't have any friends. Arrgghhh!

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Blu · 04/01/2008 16:26

Another MN-er was in this position last year, and although her DH had clearly been emotionally and psycholgically abusive, she simply had to start divorce proceedings and sale of house - her H stayed put until the house was sold

Could he start messing about over house sale if it is no longer your home? or quibble over percentage of ownership since you will presumably stop paying mortgage or bills once you move out?

I thnk you can get an initial free consultation with a solicitor.

Original poster

chocyholic · 04/01/2008 16:46

Blu, the problem is , I haven't got anywhere to go, unless I get rid of the dogs, which I just can't do. I can't get private rented with pets, and I need the money from the house to buy something. If I moved out, he probably would mess me about, mostly by not selling it, I think. His way of dealing with difficult things is not doing anything, and hoping it will go away. The thought of living like this until the house is sold is more than I can bear - houses here are taking years to sell!

OP posts:

cousinsandra · 04/01/2008 19:44

have you contacted estate agents for a valuation? They can give you an idea of how the market would be for your specific property. I'm in a similar position and have the agent coming on Monday for an interrogation. They should also be able to tell you if lowering the asking price could significantly speed up the sale. The appointment with them will be free and completely obligation free. Then you'll have a more concrete idea of times and your financial position. Also, will help him see you are serious and moving it all along.

Original poster

chocyholic · 04/01/2008 20:59

that's a good idea

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cousinsandra · 04/01/2008 21:04

well, you could call them tomorrow morning (call 3 or 4!) - let the cut throat nature of estate agents work in your favour! When I booked my appointment I briefly explained the situation and that I was looking for sales advice as well as a straightforward valuation, so hopefully they won't send some poor, clueless teenager armed only with a measuring tape! Even this little step has helped me feel a bit more in control - I need facts about my situation and the smokescreen DH is blowing is not helping...

Original poster

chocyholic · 04/01/2008 21:20

Thats exactly it, cousinsandra - its the lack of control & feeling so trapped and helpless that really gets me

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sophierosie · 05/01/2008 17:02

Although you say you can't get rid of the dogs, have you thought about having them 'fostered' and then once you were in a more stable situation you could then get them back. Lots of animal charities do this I'm sure... It would then give you more options and one less thing to think/worry about.

HTH's

Blu · 07/01/2008 11:29

I really think you need to talk to a solicitor about the implictions of any course of action - get a free half hour appointment and talk about divorce and timescales and protecting your share of the house etc - also settlement. If you have the children, you should be entitled to more than 50% of the house equity, for e.g. Probably 60% or 70%.

HappyWoman · 07/01/2008 12:00

The only problem with getting an estate agent involved is that uless he really is going to sign at the time it could all be a waste of time. If the house is in joint names you will both need to sign for the release of the money - it might be best to start divorce proceedings though. I do feel a bit for your h though - i dont the situation but i have been on the recieving end of one party wanting to end the marriage and did not want to make it easy and did not want to lose my home either.
Is there really no way to salvage your relationship? It sounds as if your h is not ready to split.

frootloop · 07/01/2008 17:30

in regards to the dogs and private rentals, DH and I always found that offering to pay more on the deposit to cover any damage the animals cause usually softens landlords up a bit especially if the property is unfurnished.

partypiece · 07/01/2008 17:33

Don't move out! If he is in the house he will have zero incentive to sell and he could deliberately obstruct a sale for years and years! You will never get back in the house if you move out and you will get less money.

Original poster

chocyholic · 08/01/2008 00:15

I don't really know what to do, partypiece. My friend left and never did get any of her share of the house. Her dh remortaged the house and said there was nothing left.
Sophierosie - thanks for your idea - I don't think I ever could foster the dogs out (I live for my dogs) I could tell him that I'm thinking of it. He would know I was serious about it, then.
No, Happywoman, I dont want to salvage it. DH is bullying DC and its been getting much worse recently. He gets really agressive to him, and then I tell him that I've had enough and he has to leave, and then he's on his best behaviour for a while and pretends that its all in my head. He always does this, and he makes me doubt myself. I see him being nice and then decide that I should put up with it, but his good behaviour never lasts. It's taken me 20 years to get the courage to get this far, I can't risk giving in again now. he says that I can't manage without him, and I always believe him. At work I'm a very sensible person and people listen to my opinions. I don't know why I'm such a woose (sp) at home!

OP posts:

partypiece · 08/01/2008 00:22

Have you had legal advice? That's what you need right now.

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