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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need help - player?

48 replies

pougie3 · 02/03/2022 17:24

How can you tell if a guy is a player or not?

I met a guy through a friends group a few months ago and thought we were just friends. He is off the scale attractive and loads of women chase him. He's single. He's often confided in me about his dates.

Suddenly he's all over me. Literally. He says he wants us to have sex, but there's something unconvincing about it. He's not the sort that would play me for a laugh or a dare. What else could be going on?

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2022 01:47

@BlanketsBanned @Bunty55

You honestly don't think that amazing people are single?

That maybe they haven't met someone they want to be with since they became single?

That maybe they haven't clicked with anyone enough to be in a relationship with them since they became single?

You think any of your friends who are single can't be amazing people as they are single?

What an odd way of thinking.

me4real · 03/03/2022 02:03

If he's so amazing why does he treat women like cumdumpsters.

Momijin · 03/03/2022 03:05

So you've been single but the minute you tell him you're dating , he says he wants to shag you? I don't care how good looking he is, that approach would turn me right off. Think more of yourself op, value yourself more and don't fall for that shallow man

JustKittenAround · 03/03/2022 04:34

Yes he’s a player. He is trying to get into your pants with zero effort put forth.

He tells you about dates, has he take you for one?

He’s giving me vibes that you’re being primed for the FWB role, always waiting to validate him while he puts effort into others.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 03/03/2022 04:41

He probably wants to see if he can add you to his list.
You're a challenge, and he knows you may well be persuaded.

Monty27 · 03/03/2022 05:31

How would you advise a friend OP?
Obviously he's a player. Don't expect anything more than a booty call.

Livandme · 03/03/2022 08:26

You respect him too much for a ONS?
What about respecting yourself.
He is definitely a player

Original poster

pougie3 · 03/03/2022 09:55

@me4real

If he's so amazing why does he treat women like cumdumpsters.

He has heaps loads of other great qualities.

OP posts:

Original poster

pougie3 · 03/03/2022 09:58

@Monty27

How would you advise a friend OP? Obviously he's a player. Don't expect anything more than a booty call.

I'd advise a friend to go for it to be perfectly honest. What I'd say to her is that an opportunity like that doesn't come up that often, she should enjoy herself. Thank you I've answered my own question now!

OP posts:

me4real · 03/03/2022 14:17

I think he is going to make you sad in the long run @pougie3 . But if sex is worth that to you then fair enough.

Bookworm20 · 03/03/2022 14:30

@JustKittenAround

Yes he’s a player. He is trying to get into your pants with zero effort put forth.

He tells you about dates, has he take you for one?

He’s giving me vibes that you’re being primed for the FWB role, always waiting to validate him while he puts effort into others.

This 100%.

He has mentioned wanting to have sex with you, but not dating you.

You’re being lined up as his fwb. Or possibly simply being added to a list of them. If you’re happy with that, that’s fine. But if you don’t think you can cope with being just a shag when he has nothing better lined up, please proceed with caution.

gonnascreamsoon · 03/03/2022 15:10

@pougie3

He's basically decided that he's had enough of you not dropping your knickers quickly enough or fawning all over him, and he's decided that it's now your turn on the STD roulette wheel

Nah, sorry, but if he couldn't be arsed to even ask you on one single solitary date before asking you to drop your knickers, then he's not even worth it for the 'memory' ffs !

I'd bet money on him being on sex sites too !

Baulk !!

CognitiveDissolver · 03/03/2022 15:44

What I'd say to her is that an opportunity like that doesn't come up that often

How good looking is this guy and why do women chase after such a sleaze? Mostly women tend to avoid ultra good looking guys because they're vain/a pain/too much effort and looks aren't that valued in men compared to qualities like reliability, etc..

I mean, Ewan McGregor's good looking, but you wouldn't want to go there because so many have gone before, and he's a famous star and everything. And looks fade - look at Colin Farrell, another one in that category.

Pinkbonbon · 03/03/2022 15:54

Yuck.

No great quality in the world makes up for someone being so disrespectful. Treating you like an object to be acquired, used and then discarded.

Why did him banging on about women he has dated not give you the ick?

Let me guess, because he is good looking and has a magnetic quality about him? Narcissists usually do.

That why you have to actually listen to what ppl say. And pay attention to how they act.

Talking about sex with you and being all over you without so much as a date - he is overstepping boundaries massively because he thinks he is 'all that'.

If he wasn't going looking you would see it for what it really is - a predator looking for a meal.

JustKittenAround · 03/03/2022 16:36

OP, you are allowed to have your standards. I just gently want to let you know that from the very few messages here (I don’t know anything else about you) you seem grateful for this mans attention and even consideration no matter what the role.

I urge you to take some time out and take some space from this man. You shouldn’t be grateful he is paying you mind, you deserve men to pay you mind. Also, the bar you have is very low. He isn’t your friend, he’s set to use you. You’re obviously already emotionally into him, so sex will not be just sex no matter how much you want to delude yourself.

You deserve better than to be a grateful beggar grasping at crumbs from this mans table. You deserve a wonderful man who takes you out and actually puts effort into you.

Also STDs. You really ought to consider the worth of your body and health…. Even if you are turning your back on the very real mental aspect.

LadyNell · 03/03/2022 16:39

Depends what you want , if you fancy him sleep with him....

me4real · 03/03/2022 18:55

He has heaps loads of other great qualities.

But he's not truly offering you any of those @pougie3 . At least, no more than you can get from just having him as a friend.

DatingDinosaur · 03/03/2022 20:43

OP, given that you said you don’t want a ONS -

”I'd advise a friend to go for it to be perfectly honest. What I'd say to her is that an opportunity like that doesn't come up that often, she should enjoy herself.
Thank you I've answered my own question now!”

Guard your heart. I think you’re going to learn about Players the hard way. Have some whilst you listen to the lyrics of Britney Spears - Womaniser.

Fernandina · 04/03/2022 14:03

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]**@BlanketsBanned* @Bunty55*

You honestly don't think that amazing people are single?

That maybe they haven't met someone they want to be with since they became single?

That maybe they haven't clicked with anyone enough to be in a relationship with them since they became single?

You think any of your friends who are single can't be amazing people as they are single?

What an odd way of thinking. [/quote]
So all these women are good enough for him to shag, but he doesn't think they are good enough to actually be in a relationship with?

Yeah, that is pretty amazing

almond123 · 04/03/2022 16:23

I don't understand why you're confused or unconvinced. He's told you whata going on. He "wants to have sex with you". And that means that he wants to have sex with you. Not go on a date, have a relationship, be a FBW, get married. He just wants to have sex with you 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

RantyAunty · 04/03/2022 16:54

Id rather be the one he never got than be one of the many women he relieves himself in.

Plus, guys like this are seldom decent in bed.

underum · 04/03/2022 20:54

@RantyAunty

Id rather be the one he never got than be one of the many women he relieves himself in.

Plus, guys like this are seldom decent in bed.

I agree. They are often awful in bed. They're all take, take, take. That's if they can actually get it up! A sexual narcissist, aggressive, with a continual need for affirmation that he's all that. If he's full of talk, he's probably impotent. Delete, delete, delete.

Momijin · 05/03/2022 14:30

I'm actually quite worried about you.

He is a friend atm so those qualities that you know of, you're getting them as a friend.

You know that he doesn't treat women well and you know that he doesn't want anything from you other than a shag. Which he was uninterested in whilst you were single.

So that should tell you that he has issues, that he's avoidant in some way and to steer well clear of him because it'll likely mean heartbreak.

And then when he inevitably moves onto someone else, are you still going to be able to be friends? Won't that change the dynamic? Will it not also mean that you'll struggle to move on to find someone to have a great relationship with if you're still friends with someone you have a thing for?

And why so keen on having sex with him if you don't even know he's any good?

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