Discovered (long ended) cheating:(

[lanawinters]

Dear all,
Long time Mumsnet user, but first time post.
I need some perspective and clarity on my total devastation.
I have been with DP for 4 years, engaged for almost a year.
We are older - I am 46, he is 62.
I have just discovered that for the first 10 months of our relationship ( the whole wooing) he was seeing/ messaging someone else.
For context, we have known each other for 8 years in a work context but got together 4 years ago after he ended a long term relationship. I was unaware but he signed up for online dating at the time and met a few women, then we got together.
I thought that was the end of the other women, but last night I discovered an archived WhatsApp trail (he didn't know how to delete) with a woman he continued to message. All sexual and nothing at all like he's been with me ... meeting family/ children from the start/ included on all events. I was the one who held back initially as I had been in abusive relationships before and didn't want to expose my daughter until I was sure. He wooed me, was gentle and caring and said he understood, but all the while this sexual messaging and a course of meetings took place. I feel totally and utterly heartbroken, even though it all ended 3 years ago and I know for sure that he has been 100% true since then. In fact, he hangs on every word I say and did from the beginning. It was me that held him at arm length. As soon as I introduced him to my daughter he had not messaged her / seen her since ...
We now live together and have for 3 years. he is utterly ashamed, but I have a feeling that is only because he's been caught out.
Thoughts please... sorry it's so long!

So sorry to hear this @lanawinters. I would probably be thinking the same in that he's only sorry/ashamed because he's been caught and would be hurt too

This man is like a dog with two dicks.

On an aside, you will really notice the age difference very very soon. For that reason alone I'd be very wary of this relationship. It benefits him far far more than you.

You can't trust him. You say that you know he's not up to anything now because he's always so nice to you. Then you immediately say he was always nice to you.

I know it would be upsetting to do but honestly I would tell him to get lost.

I think differently to the other advice you have been given.

While it’s inexcusable, you say yourself that he stopped as soon as you became serious and introduced your daughter and he has done nothing since to make you not trust him.

Are you happy with him now? If so, I would try and move on from this if you can.

@ElleGB

I think differently to the other advice you have been given.

While it’s inexcusable, you say yourself that he stopped as soon as you became serious and introduced your daughter and he has done nothing since to make you not trust him.

Are you happy with him now? If so, I would try and move on from this if you can.

I'm actually agreeing with this. The fact that he finished as soon as he met your daughter says to me that you are his priority. I know what he did was incredibly shit, but I have one friend who cheated on her now husband when they first started seeing each other, she's devastated that she did it, and is very happily married now. Also, I've heard advise from professional people saying that sometimes an affair can make a couple stronger. Of course if he were do anything again, you should no way give him the benefit of the doubt, and leave. But who knows, maybe you could make this work?

You say "we" are older but you're almost young enough to be his daughter (in fact he could have had a daughter your are gad he been a teenage early starter starter).

The poster above is right, the age gap benefits him more. No wonder he hangs on your every word, he's got himself a good deal.

The early behaviour is certainly dishonest, disingenuous etc as well. I can understand hiw otbwould feel tainted. He essentially had a fab for the first part of your relationship, while choosing tk bevercgavecan upfront convo about exclusivity with you, do you could choose whether to keep seeing him (or agree you both stopped seeing other ppl, which it sounds like you weren't anyway).

*fwb

So he was sleeping with 2 women at the same time for the first year of your relationship? Have you had an STD test?

We are older - I am 46, he is 62.

No, he is older. You are in early middle age. Don't let this man prematurely age you.

I suspect he's stopped because he knows he's onto a good thing with a much younger woman and doesn't want to jeapardise it. ie his own self interest. Its not as if he's going to get many chances at his age.

I couldn't put up with this cheater. He has been dishonest for 25% of your relationship and you're already running around trying to minimise it.

But I had this happen to me and I know what a liar/cheater the man involved was. I was, unwittingly, the other woman. I thought I was the love of his life but it was a ldr. Turned out he was engaged to be married, and as soon as his now wife moved in, he dumped me cruelly and unexpectedly. He behaved dreadfully and kept up the lie right until the end. I'm so glad I found out rather than ending up stuck with him. IMHO cheaters will always cheat again, he's messaged me since trying it on and I suspect he is sleeping with another woman I found out he cheated on me with.

Theres not much point in being with a man that much older unless they tick all the other boxes, being faithful included. Its not as if you're married to him - has he spun you a line about not wanting to get married again or something as well?

He's going to be 70 in 8 years, you'll only be 54, maybe this discovery is a fortuitous "push" for you to get out of this relationship before you get even deeper in.

Theres not much point in being with a man that much older unless they tick all the other boxes, being faithful included.

This.

There would need to be huge positives/advantages ..... he was essentially unfaithful for (a year?). He could face had the exclusivity talk and stopped (or split), he chose not to.

Have to wonder if he has form too, hence being single in his 60s (not withstanding some unfortunate explanation for that).

First of all he is way too old for you.

You could quickly end up as a carer for him, is that really the best thing for you and your kids?

He was seeing someone so he has also shown you that he can be deceitful.

He probably knows he has a good thing going with a much younger woman like you but I really wonder if you are not selling yourself short by taking on a partner with such an age difference who has a history of not being 100% honest.

I would be put off by the above, If I were you I would at least consider avoiding getting into a marriage with a man like this. You might be better off continuing to see him if that makes you happy but not making a more serious commitment.

[Deep breath]

I had a bit of an overlap when I started seeing my now bf. I had a couple of men I had had sexual relationships with which were on hiatus during lockdown, and I kept messaging them. One I blocked as soon as I had sex with my bf, though he's still in my head. The other I was still in touch with for a few months, and even met once, though I never had sex with him again.

I think the fact that you had clearly reached a point of commitment to him when he met your daughter was meaningful to him too. It's quite possible that he thought he would never be lucky enough that you would fall for him in the early months. You don't have to get past this, of course you don't, but overlaps aren't unusual and I don't think they condemn him to the 'always a cheater' file.

If you love each other and he makes your life better, see how it goes. If you're having to compromise much, maybe not.

I wanted to add that for me, it boils down to consent. If you wouldn't have consented to sexual activity if you had known that he was sleeping with another woman at the same time as you, that would be it for me.

I know I wouldn't have consented to sex with my former boyfriend had I known he was sleeping with another (two) women.

Thank you so much all.
To be clear - he wasn't seeing anyone else 'properly' when we got together.
He had this 'online chick' that I knew nothing about. He joined online dating after his previous relationship ended, but that was nothing to do with me.
We had known each other for years and he said that he was always in awe of me. I don't disbelieve this, or his commitment to our relationship. I think (as other posters have said) that he couldn't believe it was going to happen with he and I so he carried on messaging this other woman.
Sorry to drip feed, but she claimed to be abroad (I don't believe this - I think she was catfishing as he's a wealthy man) so he only actually saw her twice while we were together. He said that he didn't sleep with her physically (which their messages would confirm) although they did 'do stuff' .
I appreciate the honesty from all posters - all those who have been wronged, along with those who have carried on seeing others while seeing if their new relationship worked out. It's so helpful to have this perspective. I feel like our courtship is a total lie 😔

Oh and yes... have had a full sexual health screen this morning 😞

permanenttemporary
I thank you for your post.
I think I held him totally at arms length until I was sure.
He probably didn't know if he was coming or going back then, but this was all years ago... nothing onerous at all since then.
He is (seemingly, and I have full access to his phone / computer/ business/ v BBC and accounts) one hundred percent into us.
I count his children as my kids, as he does mine.
This is a horrific nightmare as it's totally wrong footed me and made a mockery of what I thought we had.

I would say he kept his options open until he was sure you would commit to him. It was wrong to not be clear that that was what he was doing and making you think it was an exclusive relationship.

I think whether you stay or go depends on how good the relationship is now - is it good enough to try to get past this? Are you going to be happier trying to move forward from this or is it too much for you to ever get over? It will take time to put it behind you if that's what you decide.

His kids can’t be much younger than you, surely?

I don’t think I could handle such an enormous betrayal, but only you can decide where your boundaries lie.

Bet he thinks he's lost his carer for his old age

Get rid op he's an old dick head

Hmm. It gives you an insight into his personality and moral judgement. That he could not only message but MEET other women for sex all while gently wooing you and hanging on your every word etc is actually frightening. Two completely different characters at play and you didnt have a clue. Thought it was all perfect.

How could you ever trust him, really? You say he is all good now, but you thought that back then too and you were wrong.

Coupled with his age, I'd be long gone.

Thank you to all posters. I totally appreciate your thoughts and advice.
I have had all the thoughts you describe.
I waver from telling him to get to f**k , and then thinking this is the best relationship I have ever had. Which seems really sad in the circumstances.
I was in therapy before I made this discovery so I do have help on that score.
Just want to make the correct decision without making a big fat mistake ☹️

I would look at it factually, without trying to make excuses for him. Women on the whole are too conditioned to make excuses for men's behaviour.

-he's a proven liar.
-he's much older than you and benefits far more than you from the relationship

• if you're asking these questions its a sign there is a huge problem
• that problem is not of your making

= is he really worth it? What does he bring to the table to compensate for all of this that another man couldn't do better or you couldn't do better single?

FWIW I think life with a liar is always going to be problematic.

Also have a think about he treated this other woman.