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Original poster

DP's Comments: Would You Find This Offensive

19 replies

CognitiveDissolver · 02/03/2022 16:01

DP asked me if I "had taken his sandwich" the other day. Since I don't eat tuna, this was fairly unlikely, and I just brushed it off. Two days later he asked me "have you taken any money from my wallet?". Obviously I hadn't. I don't even know where his wallet is and I'm certainly not in the habit of taking money belonging to other people.

I'm still quite offended by this 2 weeks later. Why couldn't he have asked me I had seen his wallet, or mentioned something about losing money? FWIW today he has forgotten to take his wallet to his work and lost his house keys.

Would anyone else find the wallet comment a bit offensive? In my mind, its basically accusing me of stealing.

OP posts:

Defiantly41 · 02/03/2022 16:03

No ... thoughtlessly phrased perhaps but not offensive. Losing stuff is stressful

SparkleSpangle · 02/03/2022 16:04

It would depend on the tone I suppose but it wouldn't bother me.

Chamomileteaplease · 02/03/2022 16:06

I'm with you OP, it's in his choice of words.

It would have been completely different if he'd asked if you had seen his wallet or had any idea where the tuna sandwich had gone.

I would have to ask him about this. Hopefully he will realise his error.

SageMist · 02/03/2022 16:10

My dad said this kind of thing to my mum through their 60 year marriage. 'Where have you put my glasses/wallet/keys/etc.' and my mum would run around looking for the offending item. Drove me mad just listening to it.
I'd nip this in the bud soonish if I were you. Follow up such questions with 'are you accusing me of theft?'. Every single time he does it.

Grinling · 02/03/2022 16:12

I don't think the questions themselves would bother me, but if, as you suggest, he's continually mislaying things, I'd be a bit annoyed that his response to his own disorganisation was to immediately assume I'd taken/eaten/removed his belongings, rather than just acknowledge that he's careless.

(If DH asked me if I'd taken money from his wallet, the subtext would be 'Did you grab a twenty to give to DS for a school subscription because you didn't have any cash?' or the like, not an accusation of theft.)

strawberrystrawberry · 02/03/2022 16:17

Also think it depends on the tone, and maybe he could have worded it better but two weeks later it probably wouldn't bother me and I wouldn't bringing it up unless is becomes an ongoing 'accusing' type thing.

000oooh · 02/03/2022 16:22

I agree it sounds more accusative than anything. Does he usually say stuff like that or was it just those 2 examples?

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 02/03/2022 16:26

I hurl myself into sarcasm mode if anyone asks me where their stuff is.

People soon learn to look after their own stuff and more importantly NEVER to ask me to help.
I'd be really cross if I felt the implication was that I had eaten his bloody sandwich or had his money.

Cuddlemuffin · 02/03/2022 16:32

Yes it would bother me. But I would have a conversation with him about it so he know how it made me feel. I think if it's had been aired and you had been validated in your feelings you wouldn't still be thinking about it 2 weeks later

WhenDovesFly · 02/03/2022 16:34

His choice of wording is bad and he could have phrased it nicer.

I'm intrigued whether he found his tuna sandwich though?

Babdoc · 02/03/2022 16:37

OP, how old is DP, and is this memory loss/confusion over keys, wallets etc a new thing?
If he’s just always been scatty, it’s not worrying, apart from the rudeness of accusing you of theft. But if it’s new, and he is showing a pattern of paranoia and thinking people are hiding or stealing his stuff, he may need to see his GP. Paranoid psychosis and early onset dementia are just two possibilities that may need to be looked at.

GreyCarpet · 02/03/2022 16:37

Why couldn't he have asked me I had seen his wallet, or mentioned something about losing money?

Well I guess because he knew wher his wallet was and you generally don't lose money from your wallet. If there was less in there than he thought, he may well have been checking if you'd taken some of if he just had less than he thought.

Why the need for the dance around using euphemisms when he'd essentially have been asking the same thing?

My boyfriend has told me to help myself to anything of his. If I'd eaten his last of something, I wouldn't expect him to ask if I'd seen it or mention having lost it, I'd expect him.to ask straight out if I'd eaten it.

Original poster

CognitiveDissolver · 02/03/2022 16:42

@Babdoc

OP, how old is DP, and is this memory loss/confusion over keys, wallets etc a new thing? If he’s just always been scatty, it’s not worrying, apart from the rudeness of accusing you of theft. But if it’s new, and he is showing a pattern of paranoia and thinking people are hiding or stealing his stuff, he may need to see his GP. Paranoid psychosis and early onset dementia are just two possibilities that may need to be looked at.

I have to admit I thought of this as well. It really was said very accusatively, and out of the blue. He's 50. He's always been a bit prone to abandoning things and then blaming other people but this last couple of weeks has been particularly bad.

OTOH his whole family are rude, and I'm low contact with them because I feel so uncomfortable of being similarly accused of things by them. I'm not the only one they do this to! It honestly sounded just like his father when he made the wallet comment, and his father doesn't have dementia although his mother is showing some signs. In her late seventies though. At the moment, she believes I'm after their (PIL's) house, despite the fact I have my own house and they live over a hundred miles away, and I haven't seen them in 6 months! She told DP this in an email recently...

OP posts:

Laptopsandmouses · 02/03/2022 16:46

I’d not be fussed by this, I’d just raise an eyebrow and say no of course not. But then if I did emergency take money from my husbands wallet I would say, and if I forgot I’d say shit yeah sorry I forgot to say, I’d not consider it theft, becayse I’d only do it in an emergency. And same if he did it to me. But we are in a long term relationship and trust each other.

I think the fact you think he’s accusing you of theft, and if you did take money from his wallet, you think it would be theft, indicates there is a lack of trust in the relationship.

Original poster

CognitiveDissolver · 02/03/2022 16:47

@000oooh

I agree it sounds more accusative than anything. Does he usually say stuff like that or was it just those 2 examples?

His entire family run an ongoing narrative of other people being after their supposed wealth/houses/belongings/inheritance. They are a very ordinary family. My family are wealthier and DP has done well out of them in terms of having a much nicer house to live in than otherwise due to them giving us a substantial deposit. I also have a good professional job but according to DP's parents, I scrounge off him and "don't work". Its very odd and its a bit disconcerting to be around them, so I've pretty much given up.

OP posts:

Original poster

CognitiveDissolver · 02/03/2022 16:51

@GreyCarpet

Why couldn't he have asked me I had seen his wallet, or mentioned something about losing money?

Why the need for the dance around using euphemisms when he'd essentially have been asking the same thing?

The choice of words both times was "Have you taken...". I don't know if theres any significance.

I mean, obviously the sandwich is just a silly little thing but the wallet thing coming 2 days later seems odd.

He had in fact eaten his sandwich the previous day. No idea about the money in his wallet.

OP posts:

Martianworld · 02/03/2022 16:51

I guess it depends how you normally speak to each other. I can hear myself asking either of these things. But we can be quite blunt with each other so it wouldn't seem out of the ordinary. But if it is out of the ordinary, I can undwrstand you saying something, but yo be still fretting about it two weeks later seems a bit ott.

pointythings · 02/03/2022 17:52

I wouldn't be standing for the accusatory tone, I'd be going full sarcasm - so re the tuna sandwich I'd say 'yes, I'm reading it' or something like that, and re the wallet I'd probably go with 'I ate it'.

But I'm not a nice person.

Watchkeys · 02/03/2022 18:09

Curious as to why you're interested whether other people would be offended? You are offended. Are you trying to work out if you're right to be?

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