Can't decide

[gigi098]

I can't decide if I should separate from my husband. Ideally it would be good to have his company as a friend but living with him is proving to be mentally and physically challenging.

We've been married 10 years, no kids by choice, finances more or less separate from the beginning. we both work at equally paying jobs and divide all expenses down the middle.

He has a co-dependent relationship with his parents (who are in their 70s) and his only sister. He calls them 2-3 times a day talking for 1-2 hours at a stretch sometimes... and about the most mundane stuff. He shares everything that we've bought or cooked and the price of things in amazing details but doesn't share any emotional stuff like - if we've had a fight, or that he has a drink everyday to drown something or that he was wrong about anything. he is usually full of advise for them and they are very dependent on him for everything. during the pandemic he spent hours on the phone with them ordering groceries every other day. his fear mongering has caused his mother to be diagnosed with severe OCD in the last year, so bad that she now calls him every time she needs to wash her hands or bathe. every conversation he has with her and the family is about her OCD.

He never says sorry to me after using abusive language. He can not admit his mistake and is very stubborn. he is the most negative person i know (apart from his parents maybe). if i tell him that someone did a nice thing for us, he will say that they were scamming us or buttering us up. he never wants to change. he never wants to go travelling, never wants to do something for enjoyment or as a hobby like playing a sport or going out to the theatre or something like that. his excuse is that he's stressed due to his family and work.

he will never spend money on me or anyone but his family of his own volition.

he is very blunt and rude with me and sometimes with friends too. he never shares anything emotional with me or his friends. his talks are mostly about an impending recession or the housing market collapse or how everyone including the govt is trying to get you.

i've suggested counselling but he's averse to all doctors or counsellors, they are a money making racket as per him.

i don't think i have it in me to make the most of this but i'm a bit scared that i will be alone if i leave him.

it's not an impossible situation but it gives me depression. should i make a move or what can i do to better. has anyone any personal experiences to share.

Some of this sounds a bit muddled. You say that if you separated "it would be good to have his company as a friend", but nothing in the rest of your email suggests he is good company or a good friend.

And I personally find it a bit odd that you seem to WANT him to tell his parents about arguments you might have with him. (Never in a million years would I want that, but that might be because I am a bit closed-up!)

On the other hand, you DO sound very fed up and you mention at the end of the message that the current situation "gives [you] depression". That is definitely not where you want to be long-term.

I wonder whether it might be worth focusing on yourself a bit at first, so that you can be very clear-headed about this relationship.

Fucking hell OP, how did you end up with this joyless miserybag?

You're with a man you clearly dislike (and he sounds almost completely unlikeable) purely because you're a bit worried you'll be on your own?

You're never going to meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with while you're wasting your life on someone unsuitable...

@1Ta1T i think when we were not living together, we had some fun going out on dates and walks but now things are v different... walks we do maybe on a weekend but there is no date night or something similar ever. its never on the cards. we don't do anything for each other in that sense, no gifts, nothing to make the other feel good. even if i suggest something, the answer is why waste money and i'm stressed due to my family/work so i can't plan anything. he's never ever planned a vacation with me in the 10 years except one when we went with his parents. i plan and pay for holidays (which he unhappily shares with me later).
he can be a friend in some ways but in other ways living like this seems to make me very anxious.

in terms of focussing on myself, i did do a course on my own recently to deal with this but its effects are wearing off quickly. maybe i need something more regular to engage myself and maybe i need some single friends my age to de-stress.

i don't want him to tell his parents about issues we are having but if he shares so much with them about their well-being and needs, why can he not share that he (we) are having problems too and get advise on what we can do. why does he always have to paint a good picture to them. that everything with us is alright when it's not. i didn't share with my folks earlier too but now i do. they know that we're having problems. lately i realised it's better to tell the truth about what you are feeling because keeping such stuff in gives people a false impression. i don't know if it's over-sharing but the opposite is bad too.

He never says sorry to me after using abusive language

If someone regularly uses abusive language towards you, you don't wait for apologies, you get out.

i'm a bit scared that i will be alone if i leave him

What are the problems you envisage in being alone? Is it financial worries, emotional worries..?

From what you’ve said about him, if/when you do pluck up the courage to leave him you’ll wish you did it years ago. Living with him sounds like a completely miserable and joyless experience. Do you really want to like this for another 20, 30, 40 years or more?

This sounds very hard and soul destroying.

Can I ask how old you are?

In your shoes I would focus on yourself. Make new friends, do a few courses, and make your move soon so as not miss out on anymore of life.

He's not for you. You'll be lonely and delete if you stay so you might as well cut and run and enjoy your life.

Give yourself some options, out of this emotionally arid relationship, @gigi098.

Rather you planning and paying for holidays with him that he's ungrateful for and only "unhappily shares" with you, never considers you enough to buy you Christmas, birthday, anniversary gifts "no gifts, nothing to make the other feel good. even if i suggest something, the answer is why waste money", uses abusive language towards you, for which he doesn't apologise give yourself some space from him.

Maybe just a few days' vacation somewhere you like for yourself and just enjoy the sensation of being more mentally unencumbered without his presence dragging you down.

Book things you like to do, by yourself or with friends: theatre, cinema, lunch and/or long scenic walks? Leave him to his long conversations with his family which, incidentally, don't sound that rewarding if his mother now has OCD perhaps because of him?

You don't seem to have much to lose by separating and divorcing someone who doesn't seem to add anything positive to your life - in fact the opposite.

Maybe do some research on what at least your finances would look like (eg what you could afford to buy once the house was sold and you got your share, look at Rightmove etc for prices of similar homes in your area, think how you can mentally stretch and relax in your own space without having to take someone this miserable into account all the time... good luck for a better future! 🌹

You only need to give your own self permission to leave him.

What happened here?. How on earth did you end up marrying someone like this man and what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. He is no husband to you nor friend.

Set yourself free from this unrelenting misery; this is a truly unhappy relationship to an abusive man who also has a codependent relationship with his parents. It was never going to work.

why would you want to keep him as a friend? It doesn't make sense from your post. Just leave him.