Splitting Up

[Ginge248]

My partner & I have been having problems for a while now and I don't want to be in the relationship anymore. I have told him this but he's just continued life like nothing has happened? The time before when I asked him to leave, he got quite mean about it all. This then made me not want to say anything again but I can't stay just because I feel I can't speak about it. So I have told him again and he said he was going to find somewhere else to live and since then it's like nothing ever happened? Things are a bit frosty but other than that you'd never know I've told him I want to split up.
We have a baby and a mortgage together so all that would need sorting when we separate but this isn't a decision I've made lightly so I have thought about everything I need to in order to be as fair as possible. The problem I have is getting him to sit down and actually talk about it so we can get it all sorted but I'm just getting nowhere with him.
It's not fair for either of us or the little one for us to just keep pretending.

Any help or advice would be appreciated, thank you.

To be frank, it doesn't sound like you are being sufficiently convincing. ("The time before when I asked him to leave, he got quite mean about it all. This then made me not want to say anything again... And "Things are a bit frosty but other than that you'd never know I've told him I want to split up." ) What are YOU doing to make it clear to him that this is the end?

What have you done to resolve the mortgage issue?

You need to show him that you are serious. Either you take it over, get the paperwork started or the house goes on the market, again, you get the paperwork started.

You can't just tell him to leave and expect him to trot off and leave you in a house that he co owns.

If you are determined to separate then start doing it.

@1Ta1T I have told him that I feel like we're just living as friends and that I don't love him as a partner anymore. I am civil with him for the sake of the little one, there's no point arguing all the time but I didn't think I could really make myself much clearer? We have no sex life anymore, I don't tell him I love him when I hang up the phone, we used to talk on the phone a few times a day and now we don't at all unless it's about the little one.
I don't really do anything that shows I still want the relationship to continue. The mundane things (dinner, washing etc) are done still but only because he still lives there, I feel like I was petty if I stopped doing stuff like that.

@SamphiretheStickerist I have looked into it a little but I didn't really want to just start doing stuff, I thought he'd be adult enough to talk it over first as there are different options. (buy out/mesher order etc)

Then that is your problem, isn't it.

You want change but are waiting for him to action it. He isn't ready to. You don't want to.

Something has to change and, as you can't change him, you will have to reconsider your next steps.

Good luck working it out.

@SamphiretheStickerist you're right, didn't think about it like that. To be honest, it's hard to know where to start and I'm trying to keep it as amicable as possible knowing there's a child involved. Contacting the mortgage company would make him feel like I've gone behind his back and he'll most likely spit his dummy out. I'm happy to buy him out, just need to agree it all!

You need to start putting your wants and feelings before his. So what if he strops? He is soon to be an ex. So why care?

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping he will be an ex but an ex that I have a child with. So I will always be connected to him and could do without it being on bad terms

Imo every one aims for that. Few achieve it. Ime it will get worse before it gets better... Better rip the plaster off.. Or everything is going to be on his terms... As usual yeah?

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping ouch, I think you hit the nail on the head there! If it weren't for the little one, I would just walk away, but I can't do that.

My mate spent so much effort keeping her ex sweet she pandered to him more than when they were together! Drove me nuts. And he knew exactly what he was doing. For example he refused to have the dc unless she gave him the food to feed them. Messaged her he was coming NOW to collect their things (dc at school) so she had to rush back. Make a fair and appropriate schedule
. Offer it to him. Be prepared to only negotiate what works for you and the dc if you are going to be the main carer.
Practice the schedule while still living together.

It is a good thing to want to protect the little one, but allowing a bad situation to continue isn't really in their interest.

Maybe a way forward is to identify a handful of issues that need to be sorted first and also a way forward on those issues if your husband continues not to engage, and then tell your husband you want to discuss with him and sort out those issues otherwise you will take the following action. One of those issues needs to be housing (is it financially and organisationally realistic for him to move out pretty well immediately?), another is finance (you need to be certain you have access to a fair share of existing bank balances and of your combined income, after mortgage payments, and you'll need your own bank account) and a third is telling your child and sorting out temporary access arrangements (assuming husband is moving out).
I think a sensible fourth might be counselling. Maybe you ebven need to start there.

Seconding the not concerning yourself with his guilt tripping. You've given him the heads up. Time to go in with your plans

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