Help with dealing with “friend”

[Whywhywhydelilahlalalalalalala]

May be longer apologies looking for advice on what to do about a friend in a friendship group, name changed for this post, and trying not to be too outing.

So friendship group of women, formed over last four years or so meet up regularly socially for meals out/ drinks. One particular member of the group “A” I have started to suspect could be behind a couple of unpleasant incidents - but I have no proof only suspicions.

Incident one took place a few years ago: a complaint was put to an organisation I serve on a committee for about my conduct: they couldn’t tell me who but the comments raised related to a private conversation held at one of these socials meaning it had to be one of the other women. It was dismissed as the complainant apparently had form for complaining (this fits A who is very particular about most things and definitely has form for complaining). A stood and chatted to me about it to my face so if it is her then clearly she’s horrendously duplicitous.

Incident two taking place now: I previously helped out at a youth organisation and went on a trip with my child as part of it. For some reason A did not send her two kids on this but did an alternate trip which made little sense. Subsequent trip pending now, I offered to help again and was declined and lo and behold both her kids are going this time.

The main problem is that A is also our neighbour and since moving in I had anticipated that our kids would play together: A actively avoids doing anything together.

As our neighbour A has also made several attempts at planting out our border and complained about a new fence siting causing us to redo at our cost (our fence on a shared boundary) and seemed to attempt a land grab at the same time which we didn’t countenance.

So I already know that A for whatever reason dislikes me and my family - it may be as simple as me not doing what she wanted ref the boundary. I already keep my distance due the frustrations over the boundary and due to various disparaging comments made about my garden landscaping.

My question is should I disengage with this group to get away from her completely. I really like and get on with the other friends. One in particular I confided in ref the boundary dispute. I should add A kisses up to the others so they all like her and haven’t seen the behaviour I have. I am wondering if she is malicious enough to have meddled in the incidents above. I’m not usually paranoid at all and I have kept my counsel all the way through and never given A any reaction which may well drive her mad in itself!

How do I extricate myself and keep the others?

I really wish we as women were more confrontational and called out this shitty behaviour.

What would happen if you spoke to A and told her you knew exactly what she was doing? If you can’t do that, maybe say that you have now been told who raised the complaint, look her square in the eyes and then walk away.

SHE is a bully, why are you trying to exactly what she wants and remove yourself from your friendship group? Call her out, be cool but civil in the group when she’s there and put all your effort into the other friendships.

Do not leave the group over this nasty bitch.

She’s an absolute bully.

God l can't abide grown women who act like this.
Depends on how confrontational you are OP as to how to deal with this but definitely don't lose other friends over it.

Thanks for the responses no I don’t like confrontation as most people don’t and part of me thinks that me being cheery towards her possibly drives her mad so I have been killing with kindness as a tactic for a while - but have reached the point where I just don’t want to entertain it all at all. I do have other friend groups if it all did implode, I am more concerned about the fact I can’t escape as a neighbour. I would like to grey rock her as a tactic and maintain my dignity as far as possible. And thank you for naming her as a bully, I am a reflector by nature and don’t tend to come to conclusions very quickly but it’s there now!

She's a horrid bully op. Grey rock most definitely. Stand up to her if you can and watch the look on her face when you do , that will tell you all you need to know.

Trust your own instincts on this one. If it smells like shit, then it probably is. The difficulty I suppose is the lack of proof but you know it feels off. For whatever reason she is messing with you, in so many ways. You might have to let the whole group go, but just back off for now and see how it goes. By the way your garden and landscaping is non of her business! Start letting go of allowing validation to any of her opinions.

Well was the fence in the wrong place or not?

@Hilda40 it was a straight line between two batons put in by the builder from the start so would pass most peoples tolerance test I would have thought. If it was out it was by mms. They claimed it was out by 10cms which would have significantly changed the boundary so as far as we were concerned was CF territory. We ended up moving it to gently dogleg out to follow the line of their house as we worked out their house was askew from the boundary line. So we lost a bit of land and have a drunken fence for the sake of neighbourly relations.

With the greatest, greatest respect OP you need to stop rolling over and letting her take this piss like this.

Please find a way to confront her, it doesn’t have to be a big argument - she is destroying your friendship group potentially, making anonymous complaints about you and you have lost a bit of your land because she complained about the fencing? Please stop letting her treat you like this.

@ElleGB to be fair the Covid situation has meant we haven’t met as a group over a long period - it’s now that things are opening back up it’s become untenable. I will take actions but I can’t change her, and sometimes life just is unfair. I have no concrete proof of her deception so may well just look bonkers if I let it all out. Living well is a punishment in of its own end I think as she is very competitive in all things and has a superiority complex to rival Putin!!

If it was me, I’d invite each of the others in the group over for a one on one coffee. Or buy they’re a tickets and invite one of them. Start doing non group things. Then suddenly you’ve got enough tickets to go to something but not one for her. You can invite who you want. Stop replying to anything with her in it and start messaging the others alone. You aim is to get the others to your house for dinner without her

Thanks all for taking the time to respond it is much appreciated 🙏

She’s a Wendy.