Edited version with no typos!!
I know I have to separate from my husband, I know the love isn’t really real or as it should be. He is very supportive when I am struggling for whatever reason or vulnerable, very kind and practical, but I’m on my own (and with kids of course sometimes) when it comes to joy and pleasure and the little moments I’m of happiness. We share none of it, no laughter or banter or chemistry anymore, it’s like we miss each-other constantly. I am so genuinely drained. I feel so sorry for my kids, we have so much fun when we’re on our own, but I’ve noticed some days I just don’t have it in me owing to our relationship failing.
The thing is I cannot bring myself to actually do it. We have agreed to separate but it’s like we’re too scared we’re making a mistake for the kids or for us. Live in a home with so much potential that friends and family love and can’t bring myself to sell it to buy two home. I’m not typically someone who stands on the sidelines, but I’ve become so worn down, lost sense of life and who I am (as marriage kind and functional only) I cannot seem to get clarity or trust myself to get on with it. I am crippled with doubt, guilt, fear of my family’s reaction, fear I’ll mess up in the future, I can’t even see the future anymore. ( my husband are it turns out worlds apart as to how we experience that world, I thought our differences would be complementary (and I’ve been living in a very strange emotional environment or version of reality for me I honestly don’t trust how I see things anymore. Throw a gaslighting mother on top of it as well. My incredible circle of friends are so supportive and saying that for my our mental health and happiness we have to give up. But I just don’t want to hurt anyone and he’s not the kind to push the button, it’s all very pathetic really. I’ve changed. It stinks of codependency. I am so confused. Two small kids.